Good news, aging Scottish popsters: you, The Proclaimers, are still number one on the UK singles chart. Ish, as you’ve got those comedy people with you, but nevertheless: bravo, you. Inappropriately battered snacks all round!

Beneath the bespectacled duo, at two, is Avril Lavigne, whose ‘Girlfriend’ is, unequivocally, the nadir of the girl’s career to date. Remember when the Canadian punk teen turned into a twenty-something pop-hop moron? Us neither, although we suspect marrying a goofball from Sum 41 may have something to do with it. After all, nobody out-pop-punks Sum 41. Oh no no no.

At three is Gwen Stefani, at four The Fray, and at five something we’ve never heard of called ‘Destination Calabria’… it’s probably one of those banging summer anthems, or something. The sort of thing only Dave Pearce could even get excited over. Physically. The highest new entry on the singles chart comes from Mark Ronson, whose ‘Stop Me’ stops at six. Arctic Monkeys’ ‘Brianstorm’ makes 11 on downloads only – expect it to climb and climb once the physical formats are released next week.

Dan Le Sac’s collaboration with beardy poet Scroobius Pip, ‘Thou Shalt Always Kill’, is new at 34, a place lower than Little Man Tate’s impossibly dull ‘This Must Be Love’. Linkin Park score a top 40 new entry with ‘What I’ve Done’, at 39. Arcade Fire and Bright Eyes find themselves at 56 and 57 respectively with their latest single releases. Fall Out Boy, meanwhile, are quite brilliantly at 41 and 42, with ‘THNKS FR TH MMRS’ and ‘This Ain’t A Scene…’. Just Jack’s ‘Glory Days’ props up the 75, with Bloc Party’s ‘I Still Remember’ one place higher.

Albums! Exciting news, indie kids: Kings Of Leon are straight in at one with Because Of The Times, and Maximo Park’s Our Earthy Pleasures debuts at two, despite a rather nasty piece on singer Paul Smith in NME the other week. Did anyone see that headline? Awful, NME subs, is what you are.

The Best Of The Proclaimers is new at five, and Timbaland’s Shock Value enters at ten. Modest Mouse follow up their number-one-in-the-States success by entering the UK albums chart at 47 – clearly our Stateside cousins have more time for thosevocals on We Were Dead Before The Ship Even Sank. Melanie C’s (pictured) new This Time (you’ll miss out on the top 40?) album debuts at a disappointing 57. Ouch. That’s worse, even, than All Saints’ flopped comeback LP, Studio 1.

The best of Van Halen, The Best Of Both Worlds, is at 74. Rock.

Out this week: new albums by Cowboy Junkies, WinterKids, Bright Eyes, Lucky Soul, CocoRosie and Last Days Of April. Check out this week’s releases and more by clicking here.