John Lennon, Jimmy Hendrix, Keith Moon, Sid Vicious….They don’t make rock stars like they used too. You won’t see Fran from Travis biting a dove’s head off. I mean it could hurt the poor wee thing couldn’t it? And the only dangerous thing about that grin of his is the sunlight reflecting off those pearl white teeth. So kids, one thing we already know about the noughties is that everything has been done before. Everything. Ok? So there’s no problem to be had with dusting off your dad’s 1970’s Tommy Nutter Mod suit. You don’t need to cut your hair if you’re still wearing it like Noel and Liam Gallagher because, y’know, Mods invented that first (they invented the scooter too…and parkas…and the Union Jack). Now all you need is to get hold of some Paul Weller CDs, ‘cos he’s the bee knees and all retro. And he looks better than Alice Cooper (but then Alice does look very young for 103 years of age).
Right, now then, you’ve got to spread the word that the music oldies make is better than all that slow, turgid, wishy washy crap that’s being pumped out now. Polluting the atmosphere. (And punk rock doesn’t count. Cos that’s still young people’s music and your parents wouldn’t like it ‘cos it scares vicars and is exciting…and there’s all that money you’ve gotta spend on hair die and eyeliner). Nope, 10 minute long guitar solos is where it’s at. All you need to do is to find some like-minded chums who can twiddle a guitar, with one of you hitting some drums! Now you can start touring the pubs and soon without any doubt an A&R person will sign you up to EMI based on your “unique” sound.
Now if you’re over 40 and reading this then you’re probably lost. Or you're John Peel.
So, oldies. Trust me these whippersnappers have got this music malarkey all sorted out. Did you know that they don’t use instruments anymore? Nope, those ukuleles don’t often turn up on Top Of The Pops. Neither do the spoons either (they’re used to eat things with these days). So if you don’t look your best even in candlelight, and you remember two-tone Lambretta scooters this is what you need to do to be cool (“groovy” is soooo 1999) First of all I bet your hair is thinning a bit on top. Don’t worry, the shaven look is very now and zen and all that. And at your time of life you really should be able to grow a beard (unless you’re female…in which case I suggest you leave off the East European hormone treatment). What you end up with is an upside-down head which is worn by…er…anybody important in music…..and anybody unimportant in music (let’s keep all of this simple shall we?). Whilst those slacks of yours are indeed comfortable, big shorts with even bigger pockets will let some air circulate to your pins as well as giving you more space to store your pipe. Unfortunately these look rather un-dapper with a checked cardie. We at DiS recommend a big T-shirt.
Now if you really want to impress the young folk start listening to some nu-metal (I know it makes you feel queasy at first but persevere). Your children will talk to you again and you’ll be hip. Like you were back in 1968 when you were in the Mange Tout Band and had a girlfriend for every day of the week. Well these good times could come around again. Reform the Mange Tout Band, just rename it with something a little more contemporary. Such as Qworn on the Gob. Tour the pubs and soon without any doubt an A&R person will sign you up to EMI based on your “unique” sound.