Christmas songs are all rubbish, right? Wrong. Everett True has managed to find a whopping 30, and presents his findings as a handy double CD sized extravaganza right after this dotted line...
Wild Billy Childish & The Musicians Of The British Empire 'Rockin' Around The Christmas Tree' (2007)
Sparkling wit from the Chatham poet (and a killer riff): "My father walked in pissed through the door/And chucked the telly across the floor/Then he fell drunk to his bed/And these were the last words that he ever said/'MERRY FUCKING CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL'" (YouTube)
The Long Blondes 'Christmas Is Cancelled' (2004)
This is the song that caused me to fall for The Long Blondes – literate, bitter, smart, laden with festive sneer (ho, ho) and fuming one-liners. "You know what you did wrong last Christmas/Christmas is cancelled this year"
Carlene Davis & Trinity 'Santa Claus (Do You Ever Come To The Ghetto)' (1981)
An aching plea for the symbol of prosperous Yuletide to be a little more equalitarian with his giving.
The Roots 'Millie Pulled A Pistol On Santa' (1996)
Just another day in the ghetto.
Rocket 455 'Santa Ain't Coming For Christmas' (2002)
Bunch of screaming children team up with prime Detroit punk-blues band to voice their distaste at the man in red and white.
Bantam Rooster 'Let's Just Fuck For Christmas' (1996)
The Rooster get straight down to business.
Tom Lehrer 'A Christmas Carol' (1953)
America's funniest Harvard lecturer turns his withering glance upon the shopping season. (YouTube)
Snoop Doggy Dogg 'Santa Claus Goes Straight To The Ghetto' (1996)
Rap does Christmas better than most other genres – something about juxtaposition, I suspect.
The Beakers 'Christmas Letter From Home' (1980)
Nice slice of demented Seattle no wave back from whenever.
James Brown 'Santa Claus, Santa Claus' (1964)
The Godfather Of Soul testifies. We should be thankful that every kid don't holler like this. (YouTube)
Beat Happening 'Christmas' (1985)
Calvin [Johnson, Beat Happening singer/guitarist] shakes his tush in disgust.
Otis Redding 'White Christmas' (1967)
Wait... how did this one sneak in here? Unutterably gorgeous.
The Bobby McGee's 'Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart And The Very Next Day You Sold It On Ebay' (2007)
Actually, this is absolutely appalling – but it has considerable irritation value.
Manic Street Preachers 'Last Christmas' (TFI Friday 1996)
The original is way better, but this is way funnier. I'm not sure that’s the intention.
The Fall 'No Christmas For John Quays' (1979)
Inspirational polemic from the Salford poet, detailing youthful disdain for "john-quays".
Jinx Lennon 'Don't Lose A Stone For Christmas' (2003)
A heartfelt anti-weight watching diatribe from the Irish antifolk icon.
Sonic Youth 'Santa Doesn't Cop Out On Dope' (1996)
It's like Thurston revisiting all those seminal Beatles Christmas fan club singles – um, in his own inimitable way.
Misty's Big Adventure 'Have Yourself A Psychedelic Christmas' (2005)
The great forgotten Birmingham band – following the lineage of Julian Cope and The Specials.
The Research 'For Christmas I Got Pityriasis Rosea' (2006)
It's always nice to be surprised.
Sportique 'A Little Splash Of Lime' (2002)
Well, Christmas is all about how paralytic you can get in the shortest space of time, right? From London's finest post-Wire outfit.
Hotpants Romance 'All I Want From Christmas Is You' (2008)
The Carla Thomas version has a little more elegance – perhaps – but this raw-assed all-girl reading has more oomph.
The Blue Minkies 'Christmas Means Nothing Without Presents' (2004)
Just as raw as the Hotpants, Brighton's own Blue Minkies sing it like it is.
Low 'Blue Christmas' (1999)
Absolutely my favourite Low moment: absolutely. It's got a tune!
Elvis Presley 'Blue Christmas' (1957)
Yeah, it's Elvis - so sue me. (YouTube)
Tom Waits 'Christmas Card From A Hooker In Minneapolis' (1957)
Um, Christmas ain't Christmas without Tom Waits. (YouTube)
Dexys Midnight Runners 'Merry Christmas Everybody' (1983)
Go Kevin, go!
Joey Ramone 'Merry Christmas (I Don't Want To Fight Tonight) (Revised)' (2001)
This originally came out on a promotional two track CD (backing 'What A Wonderful World') from Joey's very final album – so poignant. (YouTube - original Ramones version)
Joseph Spence 'Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town' (1980)
Bahamian guitarist who makes Tom Waits sound like that dickhead from Coldplay. (YouTube)
Jack White 'Christmas Time Will Soon Be Over' (2003)
From the film Cold Mountain, a zillion times better than that piece of crap in the new Bond.
Wild Billy Childish & The Musicians Of The British Empire 'Ho Ho' (2007)
Leave it to Billy to round proceedings off with a dollop of rocking cheer.