How To Be A Rock Star
Sex, drugs and rock n' roll - the slogan of a generation of degenerates who shagged, snorted and sometimes rocked their way around the globe to the clanging of electric guitars. Headlines would be devoted to their debauchery and rehab was almost the foulest cuss you could utter in their presence. But where are they now?
It's something that's been puzzling me. Today's generation of supposed rock stars drink mineral water whilst extolling the virtues of Camus and Nietzsche. They fly planes, play golf, collect gadgets. They have monogamous relationships. They're sensitive, have 'issues' and understand what you're going through, man. They're as dull as you or I, but more so. It's time they were given a push in the right direction.
To that end, here's our guide to being a proper rock star... ROCK ON!
If I were to say KISS, what would you think of? And GWAR? And WASP? That's right. Massive prosthetic costumes, face paint and, in the case of WASP's Blackie Lawless, exploding codpieces (I kid you not). Leather, chains, permed hair, studded arm bands, Hallowe'en make-up - if it looks outrageously stupid, it gets the green light. Especially if your name's Rob Halford.
High Alcohol Tolerance:
Guns N' Roses, in my opinion one of the best bands to come out of the perm-obsessed 80s, were notorious for downing Jack Daniels and vodka by the gallon before a performance. Without blinking. In fact, such was the extent of their alcohol problems that bassist Duff suffered a burst pancreas. Rock n' roll! I can guarantee you that 90% of proper rock musicians drink Jack Daniels, neat, in large quantities... and can still play to some degree. Try it!
Obligatory Drug Habit:
See those scarves on Steve 'Aerosmith' Tyler's mike stand? They have pouches containing cocaine. At least they did before he got old. He and guitarist Joe probably had the most expensive habits known to man - more expensive than Imelda Marcos' shoe habit, if such a thing is possible. David Lee Roth of Van Halen fame also had a Hoover for a nose... apparently his parties resembled the Alps in terms of snow content. In fact, given their arrogance and propensity for making stupid statements, it's probably a given that they were all sniffing bank notes, if you catch my drift.
Extremely Over-the-Top Instruments:
Whether it be a 500-piece drum kit for those virtuoso solos or the 5-in-one guitar (as modelled by Cheap Trick's Rick Nielsen), your chosen Tool of Rock should at least equal your outfit in the absurdity stakes. Being able to play it lightning fast is also a must. Time to get practicing. Oh, and before you even think about a cheap and tacky custom paint job, make sure it involves cobras, naked women, alcohol or, if you're ultra narcissistic, yourself.
Several Model Girlfriends:
Sure, one is fine, but the more models you surround yourself with, the more people will be convinced of your virility. The fine ladies in question don't need Law degrees or such like, they just need large boobs, an uncanny ability to smile at all times and legs up to their armpits. Blonde or brunette, who cares? You can even combine them with your drugs habit - snorting cocaine off of said chest is definite Rock Hall of Fame material.
Nail varnish red, 0-60 at the speed of diahorrea passing from a sick man's bowels and all the extras and trimmings you could ever need. The ultimate in penis enlargement. While today's rock types favour Bentleys, a real rock star drove the sleekest sports cars record company advances could buy. Just don't do a Vince Neil. The Motley Crue man took his friend Nick Dingley of Hanoi Rocks for a drive whilst completely smashed... and ended up creating a job opening in said band.
Peppering every statement with numerous uses of the F word, while pathetic in theory, actually adds to your rock credentials. Whether it be song lyrics, interviews or giving thanks at an awards ceremony, use it liberally. Not forgetting the all-important visual gesture of sticking your middle finger up at cameras.
With all this in mind, it's impossible to see just what happened to true rockers. They seemed like such charming fellas. I could be wrong...