The Q awards have just been announced. Of course, rock n' roll being the subversive counter-culture it is (ahem), I oversaw the news in the Metro. Yes, that free paper your dad probably reads on the tube as he suits his way off to his comfy job for an insurance firm in the city.
So what can we expect then? Well, everyone's favourite, over-rated pretentio-popsters Radiohead are obviously in the running, as well as the indistinguishable four - better known to us as David Gray, Badly Drawn Boy, Travis and Coldplay.
That reminds me, Coldplay... to lend the boys a favour, I've jiggled the first verse to their hit Yellow so it's a little more, you know, apt.
"Look at Travis
Look what this did to them
It made them richer men
Even though they're rubbish
They topped the charts
May even break the US
Although we must confess
They are still rubbish"
I'm sure you can take it from there, Chris.
I dunno, maybe I've been brought up on too much cock rock and metal but what happened to the days when music offended your parents? Now with this endless queue of bands who look like the carpet of the average male student's digs, all carrying acoustics and Telecasters and singing tender, Buckley-esque (sorry Jeff, I love you really) mellow songs, it's all getting a bit ruddy boring to be frank. And yet they're getting ruddy awards for it!
Let's look at the nominations... dishwater artistes marked in bold...
Best Video - Travis, 'Coming Around'; Kelis, 'Caught Out There'; Red Hot Chili Peppers, 'Californication'; Bloodhound Gang, 'The Bad Touch'; Eminem, 'The Real Slim Shady'.
Best Single - Coldplay, 'Yellow'; David Gray, 'Babylon'; Moloko, 'The Time Is Now'; Eminem, 'The Real Slim Shady'; Limp Bizkit, 'Take A Look Around'.
Best Album - Doves, 'Lost Souls'; Primal Scream, 'Xtrmntr'; Muse, 'Showbiz'; Badly Drawn Boy, 'The Hour Of Bewilderbeast'; Coldplay - 'Parachutes'.
Best New Act - Coldplay, Badly Drawn Boy, JJ72, Muse, Doves.
Best Live Act - Primal Scream, Travis, Oasis, Chemical Brothers, Moby.
Best Act In The World - Manic Street Preachers, Stereophonics, Travis, Blur, Radiohead.
Best Producer - Dr. Dre: Eminem's 'The Marshall Mathers LP'; Chris Power & Guy Williams: Robbie Williams 'Sing When You're Winning'; Artful Dodger: Artful Dodger, for their work with such acts as Craig David, Robbie Craig and Romina Johnson; Dave Eringa & George Brakoulias: Toploader's 'Onka's Big Moka'; Ross Robinson: Slipknot 'Slipknot'
And what's the betting the sods walk away with most of the awards, too?
Actually, boring music (and that token Ross Robinson nomination, which being over a year old now shouldn't even eligible, but thats what 100,000 album sales do for you) aside, the most interesting category for me has to be the Best Act In The World. For starters, they're all British. Now, forgive my lack of geographical knowledge but isn't Britain just a teeny part of this here globe thing? Where're the American bands? The Austr- wait, sod that, we're not having Savage Garden win anything. OK, so just the American bands... REM? Smashing Pumpkins? Pavement? Sonic Youth? The list is endless.
Such pedantry aside, it still begs the question how the hell they came up with that shortlist. Travis have had two albums, one of which was Indie tosh and the other being their "OK, that didn't work, time to break out the acoustic guitars and cellos" patchwork quilt affair. Stereophonics have also had just the two albums, only one of which being any good (the first one, just so you know).
That just leaves Radiohead, the Manics and Blur - not a bad selection for best British band but if it just goes on votes, you can bet your bottom dollar Radiohead are going to get it. After all, they're the only ones with an album out right now, they've got more profile at the mo so it makes sense. It doesn't mean they deserve it though... Kid A isn't the work of an award-worthy band to my mind.
Anyway, we all know the rubbish is going to win through on the votes, but here is my ideal world list of winners, and in some cases this is under duress:
Best Video - Red Hot Chili Peppers, 'Californication'.
Best Single - Eminem, 'The Real Slim Shady'.
Best Album - Muse, 'Showbiz'.
Best New Act - JJ72.
Best Live Act - Chemical Brothers.
Best Act In The World - Manic Street Preachers.
Best Producer - Dr. Dre: Eminem's 'The Marshall Mathers LP'.