First on - NME Stage
Make sure you see: The hangover crunching bass-line of ID induce the chavved-up Chelmsford site to start fights all over the place.
Get excited when: The Happy Mondays' 'with musical talent' swipe of top ten hit 'LSF' cracks open.
Leave when: You say 'Leicester City are shit' and readily get smacked in the mouth by one of the band.
half one-ish - V Stage
Make sure you see: His face. His golden, squidgy good looks will make you realise that you don't need drugs or violence to have a good time.
Get excited when: The warm feeling of sophistication runs through you about being at a jazz concert.
Leave when: Goldie Lookin' Chain start
GOLDIE LOOKIN' CHAIN
2pm- NME Stage
Make sure you see: The one with the lisp.
Get excited when: The aforementioned member wasp: 'Guns don't kill people/Wappers do!'
Leave when: You realise they only have one novelty song.
half 2-ish - V Stage
Make sure you see: The stage catch fire so you can shout 'run!' at them really loudly.
Get excited when: They try and play an old song that pisses all over any of their new, sub-Coldplay dirge, and the crowd react by throwing members of their families.
Leave when: A baby hits you on the head.
BADLY DRAWN BOY
just before 4pm - Main Stage
Make sure you see: The sweat flowing from Badly's head from under the thick woolly hat and layers of denim.
Get excited when: He quits playing a song half-way through to have a fag.
Leave when: He starts having a go at the crowd for not buying his recent LP.
5pm-ish - JJB Arena
Make sure you see: Roni whip out his mouth-organ and banjo and pull off a cockney one-man-band version of 'Brown Paper Bag'.
Get excited when: The delectably gorgeous vocalist Tali emerges to bring some bounce-along beauty to Size's broken beats.
Leave when: You can hear more Bristolian accents than phat basslines.
5.30-ish - NME Stage
Make sure you see: Jake Shears wearing that kilt again, having forgetten he's not in Scotland, before 'losing' it in a carefully choreographed accident. "Ooh look what I've done, i'm just sooo like, outraaaageous!"
Get excited when: Jake does.
Leave when: You hear 'Laura' for the seven millionth time.
6pm-ish - Main Stage
Make sure you see: Kelis parachute on to the stage naked to jam with her one-time collaborators, even though she's about to start her set at the other V site hundreds of miles away.
Get excited when: Pharrell Williams reveals himself to be the blood-sucking vampire we always suspected - but one with a sensitive side who always gets laid.
Leave when: Pharrell Williams gets killed under a 6-ton falling meteor, attracted from space by the all-powerful tractor-beam of Virgin mobile phones. No one ever really dies, huh?
just before 8pm - Main Stage
Make sure you see: Every song, every note, every howl, every bead of sweat pouring off Frank Black's bald ogre's head.
Get excited when: You hear the "oooh-oooh" of 'Where Is My Mind'.
Leave when: Kim Deal tells you: 'you're the best crowd we've played to' (on our massive come-back tour, playing so many different venues and audiences that it would be impossible to judge) Anyway, heard it all before.
Last on -JJB Tent
Make sure you see: The band playing their new material, preferably with Bobby Gillespie drowning in a bottle of whiskey.
Get excited when: You realise you're the significance of seeing The Scream in their natural habitat, an enclosed, infested, sweaty, smoky tent - and not an outdoor stage, upon which Bobby last played with his eyes closed for the whole set having forgotten his sun glasses.
Leave when: It's over because you're not going to get out before - and why would you want to?
To check out the other day's guide, click here: