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The internet can be an unexpectedly weird place sometimes with some of the shit it throws up, though we mostly have Facebook to thank for some of the best 'surprises'. Before Facebook, though, what was there? Yep, there was LiveJournal, that was good for a while. It still exists, apparently, 'cos that's where we found the subject of this week's Friday Feeling all of about 20 minutes ago. (OK, I admit, a friend sent it to me, honest!).
It's pretty simple. This person, Jeph Jacques - basically lists a whole load of bands and summed them up in 'relationship' form. OK, the definition of relationship there may be loose, but you get the picture. We read it. Probably would have been more apt in the run-up to Valentine's but jeez, it's simply too good not to share.
Here we go then, there's a heap, including CHILDREN OF BODOM. Oh, and Deathmøle, seem to basically be the band Gorillaz should have been. P.S I had absolutely no idea how to illustrate this story pictorally, so just chose that pretty one randomly instead. We've not listed all of them below, head here to read every last one.
Isis would be that girl who was amazing in bed until she started insisting on listening to nothing but Tool while you banged
Explosions in the Sky would be that girl who's great in bed, sure, but it's EXACTLY THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER FOREVER
Future of the Left would just donkeypunch you and then post video of it on the internet
Deathmøle would be a promising but ultimately derivative handjob in the parking lot of a Wendy's
Converge would be the really hot girl you hook up with at a party only to realize she is the town crotch and every other dude has banged her
Dream Theater would be the homely chick from theater tech who dorks only date 'cause they know she puts out
Dream Theater's mom is Rush, who is actually hotter than her daughter in a weird cougary way
Black Sabbath is the awesome old lady down the street who you KNOW partied super hard when she was young and sometimes she'll sell you weed
Coheed & Cambria would be a guy who you initally wanna fuck but he keeps you up all night talking about HIS FEELINGS instead
Dragonforce is the guy/girl in theater who thinks they're hot shit and all the nerds fawn over them while normal people can't stand them
Mastodon would be the kinda redneck guy who is great in bed and you actually really like but you're embarassed to be seen with him in public
Dir En Grey is the really hot chick you hit it off with but later that night when the pants come off SURPRISE DICKGIRL
Metallica is Lars Ulrich jerking off onto an original Van Gogh forever
Muse gave you a mediocre handjob and then shat the bed
Porcupine Tree started out promising but the minute he mentioned how much he "admired Ayn Rand" the date was basically over
Disturbed is a dog giving itself a blowjob
Opeth is the guy you're really happy with but late at night you worry about whether he's gay
AC/DC is a schoolbus driver
Judas Priest is your uncle who everyone is so much more comfortable with ever since he came out of the closet
The Decemberists are that group of drama kids who never talk to anyone outside their clique and have tons of inside jokes you don't get
Children of Bodom is a guy in skin tight leather pants with an obviously tiny dick.
LED ZEPPELIN IS YOUR IMMORTAL STONER GRANDPA
Animal Collective is that guy you know who acts ashamed every time you catch him reading Hipsterrunoff
Belle and Sebastian is the guy who writes you a poem on the first date and you cringe in anticipation but it's actually a really good poem
Don Caballero are that girl who is utterly intolerable to be around but holy shit the sex is mindblowingly amazing
Xiu Xiu is the guy who breaks up with you because he knows otherwise he will ruin your life
Death Cab For Cutie is the guy you had a HUGE crush on in high school but now it's your 10 year reunion and he is a bank manager
Broken Social Scene is that awesome threesome you had in college
You went on one amazing date with Trail of Dead and then he treated you like shit from then on with no explanation.
Sigur Ros is that exchange student you thought might have had a crush on you but would just blush and run away if you tried to talk to her.
Iron & Wine is that guy who was just a little TOO into cuddling.
Nickelback is the guy who tried to pass off his genital warts as a "body modification, it's all the rage in, like, europe right now"
Fuck Buttons may not be the smartest girl you've ever met, but jesus christ she's funny and the sex is great
Wilco is your dad
Slayer is your dad's biker brother
Vampire Weekend is a rich kid in a polo shirt OH WAIT
The Flaming Lips are your dad on viagra and antidepressants
Morrissey is your dad after he's "finally gotten in touch with his true self"
Justice is the guy you fuck while fantasizing about Daft Punk
DAFT PUNK IS THE ORGASM THAT KILLS YOU
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Add your own below, should you wish. I'm quite certain that all that needs to be said has in fact been said above. No? Total credit to Jeph on this one. High five.
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