DiS Does Pop: Xmas Bumper Edition 2012
Festive greetings fellow pop-lovers! 'Tis the season to celebrate the end of the X Factor, consume absurd amounts of mulled wine and proudly proclaim that Andrew Ridgley was Wham!'s best member by far. In DiS Does Pop's world, this can only mean one thing: an Xmas Bumper Edition of your favourite Top 40-related column. Go on, fill your boots with Christmas goodness...
DiS Does Pop Awards 2012
Pop single of the year: 'Climax' - Usher
A better break-up song than 'We Are Never Getting Back Together', twice as anthemic as 'We Are Young' and even more catchy than 'Call Me Maybe'; 'Climax' is our pop single of the year. Usher's best effort in yonks sounded like nothing else in 2012 and offered further proof that Diplo is something of a god amongst Guetta-like fiends. A depressingly sexy triumph.
Pop album of the year: Devotion - Jessie Ware
Devotion belongs to that rare club of pop albums which actually get better with age. Of course, there's the holy trinity of '110%', 'Running' and 'Wildest Moments' to break in beginners but an embarrassment of riches awaits for those who delve further. From 'Taking In Water' to 'Swan Song', these are irresistibly confident songs which reward the considerable faith invested in Jessie by producer Dave Okumu. In short: it's bloody brilliant.
Adele of the year: Emeli Sandé
Emeli Sandé scoops this honour on three counts. Firstly, her full name is Adele Emeli Sandé. Secondly, her Tottenham-born rival didn't release an album this year. Finally, despite not bagging the Bond theme tune 'Daddy' Adele has ruthlessly taken advantage of every promotional opportunity which 'Skyfall' Adele will have turned down. The result was that Our Version Of Events became the year's biggest-selling album. It's like Duffy never happened...
Pop philosopher of the year: Tulisa a.k.a. The Female Boss
Cheeky chappy of the year: Robbie Williams
The winner of this award is a bloke who can sing "ring a ring a roses" without inciting an unspeakably violent rage. He is a fella who can pull off a pink suit without looking like a right plonker. He is resoundingly not Olly Murs. Robbie, it's been great to have you back.
Girls Aloud song of the year: 'On The Metro'
Any year where new Girls Aloud material sees the light of day is alright by us. Although our third favourite girl band of all-time probably were hoping for more than a Number 2 single and Number 9 album from their big comeback, 'On The Metro' remains utterly brilliant. A Nicola Roberts-penned track produced by DJ Fresh, the ginger genius' second solo album cannot come quickly enough.
Best tabloid love affair: Harry Styles & Taylor Swift
As well as both having brand new albums out in time for this year's holiday season, One Direction's Harry Styles and Taylor Swift also began a romantic odyssey together. This match made in tabloid heaven has seen semi-reputable publications the world over compete to see who can print the most spurious stories about the pair. Here's our Top 5...
- Harry Styles 'expected to join in' Christmas hunting spree with Taylor Swift
- Ed Sheeran confirms Harry Styles and Taylor Swift are dating... by smiling
- The inevitable Harry Styles buys a ring story
- Local councillor from Taylor Swift's hometown gives her verdict on Haylor
- The inevitable Taylor Swift/Yoko Ono comparison story
Laziest Calvin Harris song: 'We'll Be Coming Back feat. Example'
To be honest with you readers, we're not impartial to an odd spot of Calvin Harris every once in a while. This year however, the Scottish DJ's songs having been clogging up the airwaves like a swarm of apocalyptic locusts. In this respect, Example proved the perfect foil to Calvin's identikit rave-pop by providing a vocal take which precisely mirrored the creative toil put into writing 'We'll Be Coming Back'. That is none whatsoever...
Most severe clothes allergy: Nicki Minaj
Scantilycladitus is a serious and pervasive condition amongst female popstars. Whenever an affected starlet is confronted by a camera lens, they're seemingly compelled (by their management) to dress up in an impossibly skimpy outfit. In 2012, Rihanna and Madonna have struggled to contain their long-running battles with the illness but it's Nicki Minaj who has proved most allergic to any sort of knitwear. Faced with even the slightest opportunity to give the world an eyeful of her ample cleavage, she has willingly obliged time and time again. In fact, Nicki's boobs are such a regular feature on YouTube that VEVO is reportedly setting up a channel for their impending solo careers.
Best 'Call Me Maybe' cover: The Roots & Jimmy Fallon
DiS Does Pop 2012: A Spotify playlist
Christmas Gift Guide
Tulisa TFB Animal Print Neon Bodycon
A typical example of Tulisa's TFB clothing line, this bodycon dress subtly blends its two shades of leopard print and neon green. In the photo above, The Female Boss herself seems a bit dazed at her own creative genius and has understandably taken a bit of a lie down. Alternatively, she could have just seen the price tag for this £55 atrocity.
Tulisa's TFB collection is available to purchase exclusively at Bank
Louis Tomlinson - One Direction doll
As the least popular member of One Direction, you'd perhaps wonder why anyone would want to buy a Louis Tomlinson doll. Here to answer that question is a customer review of the product from Amazon, "Disappointed with the likeness, not like Louis at all. But good value at the price I bought it, will be good stocking filler."
Dolls of all the One Direction members available for £19.99
Victoria Beckham Special Edition Range Rover Evoque
We know what you're thinking. 'I am tempted by the idea by the idea of this Special Edition Victoria Beckham Range Rover Evoque but I've only got a budget of $90,000 to spend.' Well luckily enough, that's the exact price of this specially designed vehicle which according to the 'A Mind Of Its Own' hitmaker is meant to represent a "bag on wheels".
The Victoria Beckham Range Rover can be reserved here from Land Rover
Little Mix: Signed Car Canvas
Here's a photo of Little Mix looking intensely uncomfortable after being crammed into a tiny car. Luckily Leigh-Anne will be able to pay for her future spine curvature treatment thanks to this signed canvas' £79.99 asking price. On the balance of things, she'd be better off not risking the weeks of intense physiotherapy in the first place.
A raft of Little Mix tat, including the signed canvas, is available from Little Mix's webstore
Olly Murs: Christmas Gift Set
At £14.99, this Olly Murs-embossed Christmas Gift Set actually verges on good value. For your money you'll get a tacky Christmas baubel, a tacky Santas' hat, a tacky Christmas stocking and a tacky Christmas sack. Ideas were probably running low when they got round to designing the sack.
A genuinely nice hat and scarf combo is also available from the Mr Murs' webstore. Pity it has his name plastered all over it
Rihanna: Diamonds Executive Platinum Box
There's no arguing that music has been devalued in the internet age. While we'd argue £1.74 is not a suitable price for Rihanna's latest album, we also wouldn't pay £154 for Unapologetic. Even if this Executive Platinum Box does come with seven laptop stickers included.
The ultra-expensive rip-off box is available from Rihanna's webstore. We're unsure if postage is included or not
Taylor Swift: Green Bow Headband
Look! It's a piece of stretch fabric with a glittery green bow stuck on and it could be yours for 16 English pounds. Why on earth would you want to buy it? Because Taylor Swift endorses it and she's nice, so it probably wasn't made in a Taiwanese sweatshop.
The impeccably priced headband is available from Miss Swift's webstore
Robbie Williams Travel Candle Trio
Nothing lauds your status as King of Pop over every lesser contender than a range of scented candles. Wake up and smell the rosemary and bergamot-infused tranquillity Michael Buble, you've been had!
Get this fantastic array of scents from Robbie Williams' webstore right now fools
Top 40 Watch: The Christmas Number 1 contenders
Impossible - James Arthur
In a calculated move to avoid any anti-X Factor outcry, the profits from 'Impossible' have been pledged to children's charity Together for Short Lives. This strategy seems to have worked as, against all odds, James Arthur is ahead in the Christmas Number 1 midweek charts having already scored the fastest-selling single of 2012 on Sunday. Although 'Impossible' was earmarked for Cher Lloyd in 2010, it's still a kitchen sink affair lacking any of the authentic/credible/real music credos Arthur and his knuckle-tattoos are supposed to represent. Since it's the season of goodwill, you can always buy 'Impossible' anyway.
He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother - The Justice Collective
The leading challenger for this year's Christmas Number 1, this is a straight-laced and soppy cover of The Hollies' 'He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother'. Sporting a cast of Robbie Williams, Paul McCartney, Paloma Faith and Alan Hansen, the aim of the game is raise money for the Hillsborough families' future legal fees. It's not going to rival Band Aid in the best Christmas charity song stakes but that's not really the point, is it?
Beautiful 'Cause You Love Me - Girls Aloud
Hooray! A song we don't have to be nice about. Bah humbug! It's a mediocre Girls Aloud single which we're going to have to put the boot into. To be fair, 'Beautiful 'Cause You Love Me' is more of a ballad-by-numbers rather than a truly rubbish track. That said, 'Whole Lot Of History', 'Call The Shots' and 'The Loving Kind' are all miles better.
The Power Of Love - Gabrielle Alpin
So we've already established this isn't a vintage year for festive singles. Thankfully, Gabrielle Aplin is here to save the day with her mournful Frankie Goes To Hollywood cover which was recorded for the Christmas John Lewis advert... Only joking, it's properly shit.
One Pound Fish - £1 Fish Man
Come back Mr Blobby! All is forgiven.