Tastemakers - don't you just hate them? telling you what's good and what's not... But who are we to go against every other music publication? Quite. Ergo, here is one person's guide on how to get the most out of your Saturday at Chelmsford / Sunday at Staffordshire. We've been promised a second day's preview, so hopefully that will be up before the festival. Anyway... this is what we reckon.
ps. Sadly we're not allowed to give you exact stage times... otherwise they would come and shove marrows up our arses. But believe us, it is eminently do-able. If you don't stop to drink beer, eat food or chat to friends...
1pm-ish - Main Stage
Make sure you see: Any of a host of 'classics' that have aged far better than you have… the glorious rolling drums of 'Something For The Weekend', 'The theatrics of 'The Frog Princess', or even the loveliness of recent single 'Come Home Billy Bird'.
Get excited when: Mr Hannon, looking as dapper as ever - we hope - drops in his first wry witticism of the day; don't forget that he is much funnier than your average rock-idiot. Appreciate it.
Leave when: They play 'National Express': you will remember why you went off him in the first place.
bit before 2pm - NME Stage
Make sure you see: Them perform recent single 'Do No Wrong' a bit like Coldplay but with a massive pair of knackers.
Get excited when: They play the inevitable riff that makes you want to spin around and around and around…
Leave when: You suddenly get very confused because you were fairly sure that the big theatrical indie nonsense was headlining the main stage later tonight.
bit after 2pm - JJB Arena
Make sure you see: The band from the start; the smouldering Parisian lovelies usually start with career highlight 'Too Young', which is the sound of the summer, every summer forever.
Get excited when: That bit towards the end of 'Too Young' when the big French synth chord comes in and then just bends upwards before the last chorus. Right then, it will sound like one of the best moments in all music history. Cos it is.
Leave when: The band finish. You won't want to before anyway…
bit after 3pm- NME Stage
Make sure you see: The mighty pairing of 'Somebody Told Me' and 'Jenny'; big fat slices of power-indie mixed with Vegas-goes Duran Duran chic.
Get excited when: They hit the opening arpeggios of 'Mr Brightside' - everyone else will, so why don't you?
Leave when: You realise that it's like Shed Seven gone stateside, or when you decide that you really want to go listen to a Mansun record.
3pm-ish - Main Stage
Make sure you see: The last 15 minutes when you're done with The Killers. How many pop concerts do you go to? May as well see what's going on.
Get excited when: She plays 'Real Good Time' - you can tell you friends that Beck wrote it.
Leave when: you have a big argument with your mates over whether she is attractive or not; it's a question you will never satisfactorily conclude.
All American Rejects
4pm-ish - NME Stage
Make sure you see: That song only. The one about swinging from the chandeliers of your heart. Because you really like it.
Get excited when: Well, get mildly enthused at least.
Leave when: they close the set with 'that song'. Just don't get there too early; they're playing for 35 minutes you know…
Bit before 5pm-ish- JJB Arena
Make sure you see: Anything other than the back of people's heads when you find that the JJB Arena is really, really busy.
Get excited when: You think you catch a glimpse of her bassist.
Leave when: immediately. You're not getting into the tent anyway. And it's really, really hot in there too.
5pm-ish - NME Stage
Make sure you see: Hundreds of kohl-eyed Waco kids standing patiently at the front of the stage for their tattooed hero. And then watch them get pissed off when the crowd roar as he plays that song from Spider Man II.
Get excited when: he flexes those big manly muscles. He's like the even think-ier man's Henry Rollin's, y'know?
Leave when: You decide that it's a bit too much like going to church and that NO man with a guitar deserves that much reverence…
6pm-ish - Music Choice Stage
Make sure you see: 'When You Come Back, I Won't Be Here' from their last album 'Kill The Last Romantic'. And pretty much everything from their first two LPs. Sadly much of their latest record isn't quite as good. But who goes sees the Rolling Stones for their new tracks eh?
Get excited when: you see someone you always nod hello to when you're in the Camden Dublin Castle.
Leave when: they start doing the whole melancholic whinging bit. They really shouldn't.
7pm-ish - NME Stage
Make sure you see: Any number of songs - it will all be good, but we'd probably have to go for 'Grace Under Pressure' and 'Scattered Black and Whites'.
Get excited when: Singer Guy Garvey lets out one of those primal howls, sending a tingle down your spine.
Leave when: They threaten to play their cover of 'Independent Women pt 2'.
8pm-ish JJB Arena
Make sure you see: Her milkshake.
Get excited when: Someone points out that she's currently the queen of urban pop, and this is, like, her moment.
Leave when: She starts playing tracks from her 'difficult' second album. You know, the one you didn't even know existed.
Hope of the States
bit before 9pm-ish- Music Choice Stage
Make sure you see: Them, pretty much. As a live band, HotS have been gathering momentum for some time now, and their set at Glastonbury blew those inside the tent away.
Get excited when: They play 'Black Dollar Bills' one of their earliest and still best tunes.
Leave when: You decide to get a decent spot for one of the headliners.
mid 9pm-ish - Main Stage
Make sure you see: What their new (temporary) bassist is up to, and whether Chris is still on stage making one-handed dance moves to the crowd.
Get excited when: About halfway through 'Time Is Running Out', Matt Bellamy's falsetto reaches dog-killing levels and guitars, drum and bass kick in. Ka-boom.
Leave when: They play an iffy power ballad.
To check out the other day's guide, click here: