I shaved my beard off today to discover I have developed a double chin. I can't make this work. I am not a double chin person. I cannot wear hilariously loud t-shirts and be the life of the party. I can only get chicks by pretending to be awkward. Nobody wants to bone an awkward fat man. This is not where I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be a skinny jean indie Camus-reading waif, not a fucking blonde David Mitchell.

What exercise can I do which specifically targets jaw flab? How do you deal with moving away from the time when you could put away 10 Staropramens in a week and still look partially starved? Don't tell me you're not fat. I can tell. I can feel your flabby digits splatting on your keyboard, your computer barely able to differentiate between when you hit "e" and when you hit "r".