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Stirlitz was walking through the forest when he saw two eyes staring at him in the darkness. "An owl," thought Stirlitz. "You're an owl yourself!" thought Müller.
—Are you carrying any weapons or drugs?
—What are drugs?
—They make you get high.
—But salo is not a drug.
—When I eat salo, I get high!
A lass in a miniskirt jumps onto a bus. The bus starts abruptly, and she falls onto the lap of a seated priest. Surprised, she looks down and says, "Wow!" "It's not a 'wow!', my daughter," says the priest, "it is the key to the Cathedral of Christ the Saviour!" (Priest, later, coming to the cathedral) "Holy shit! I've left the keys at home!"
A missile silo officer falls asleep during his watch, with his face on the control board and "red button"/ As the colonel comes in, the officer snaps up and proudly reports: "Nothing to report during my watch, comrade Colonel"/ "Nothing to report, you say? Nothing to report?! Then where the hell is Belgium?!!"
An alcoholic and his small son are walking on the street. The child is nagging: "Daddy, buy me some fries. I want some fries". In the end the father stops and says to him: "Son, I also want some fries, but we only have enough money for vodka"
The Soviet Union has launched the first man into space. A Ukrainian shepherd, standing on top of a hill, shouts over to another Ukrainian on another hill to tell the news. "Mykola!" / "Yes!" / "The moskali have flown to the Moon!" / "All of them?" / "No, just one." / "So why are you bothering me?"
The Bear, the Wolf, the Hare and the Fox are playing cards. The Bear warns, shuffling: "No cheating! If anyone is cheating, her smug red-furred face is gonna hurt!"
A Russian and an American are sentenced to Hell. The Devil summons them and says: "Guys, you have 2 options: an American or Russian hell. In the American one you can do what you want, but you'll have to eat a bucket of shit every morning. The Russian one is the same, but it's 2 buckets." The Yankee quickly makes up his mind and goes to American Hell, while the Russian eventually chooses the Russian one. In a week or so they meet. The Russian asks: "So, what's it like out there?"/ "Exactly what the devil said, the Hell itself is OK, but eating a bucket of shit is killing me. And you?" / "Ah, it feels like home - either the shit was not delivered or there aren't enough buckets for everyone!"
A grandson asks his grandfather: "Grandpa, is it true that in 1986 there was an accident at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant?" "Yes, there was." - answered the Grandpa and patted the grandson's head. "Grandpa, is it true that it had absolutely no consequences?" "Yes, absolutely" - answered the Grandpa and patted the grandson's second head.
A new Russian and an old man lay injured side-by-side in an emergency room:
— How did you get here, old fella?
— I had an old Zaporozhets car, and I set the war-trophy Messerschmitt jet engine on it. While driving on a highway, I saw a Ferrari ahead and tried to overtake it. The speed was too high and I crashed myself into a tree. And how did you get here?
— I was driving my Ferrari when I saw a Zaporozhets overtaking me. I concluded, that my car might be broken and that it was actually standing still. So I opened the door and walked out...
hello Vladmir, come on in!