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"I love U2" he replies and mutters "hahahahaha owned" as he falls asleep
Bono woke up at 3am & said to his wife "Move over will yer love? I'm sleeping right on the Edge here."
one night he left the massage sculpture he had been working on on the bed before turning out the lights, but his wife wasn't having any of it. As she put it "I don't want Adam Clayton in the bed with us".
that's totally ruined a piece of comedy gold.
but it took a while.
' a damn clay ton '...
Bono was explaining how to make a warm spiced drink, but the lad was pretty grumpy and started kicking off. "Will ya stop yer Lairy Mullin' Junior" Bono pleaded.
but Bono couldn't find his pyjamas. "Bono, I'm tired. Can I turn the light off now?" she asked. "Hang on love" he replied. "I still haven't found what I'm looking for."
His wife asked him if he was feeling all right, as he was leaning over the top, swaying. Bono shouts over the top "Hello! Hello!" as a Spanish man asks where he is, ironically unrelated to Bono. He turns around as says to his wife "No love, I'm at a place I'd call... Vertigo" and spews his load all over his wife's Manolo Blahnik shoes.
whilst at the same time being a massive tax-dodging helicopter flying scumbag.
Bono was excited as he had spent all his tax-dodged earnings building a rocket which would launch cattle high up into the sky. He grabbed hold of the horns and shoved the beast into the rocket, then pressed fire. The crowd roared, the rocket flue up into the atmosphere where it exploded. 'Wahey!' Bono cheered. 'Bull-hit the blue sky!'
Bono and his wife were driving down a dirt road, trying to find the house of a friend. "Do you have any idea where we are? I don't see any signs." Bono responded, "Of course I do. This is where..." he put his sunglasses on, despite it being 10pm, "...the streets have no name.
I'd tell them to clean it up sharpish. disgusting
The Brothers Followill notice how derivative much of U2's work is of their new and innovative sound. They immediately call their lawyer to file suit against U2 for copying their sound. He declines immediately, replying "I only work pro-bono"...
when he is grabbed by a screaming wooing housewife who proceeds to try and snog him, he pushes her away, shouts laughingly "Ach! Tongue! Baby!" before getting his minders to kill her.
Bono's doing karaoke in a lounge in Las Vegas, crooning "I've Got You Under My Skin" just like he did with Sinatra, he's doing his best Frank impression, sliding, shaking his hips, clicking his fingers in time with the live karaoke orchestra... in a village in Mozambique five children have died from malaria before he hits the chorus. Go on, laugh then.
And one of his daily specials is a mixed grill, which comes with an optional female lamb chop. A customer orders the mixed grill, & Bono asks "With or without ewe?"
in Birmingham, when Bono slips & falls into one of the exhibits - a giant-sized low-calorie truffle. He is struggling to get out, and The Edge laughs & says "Haha Bono ya cunt ye, you got stuck in a Moment you can't get out of."
"Nah, I already know what I'm going to have."
"And what is that?"
"WHOA-OH-OH, THE SWEETEST THING."
"This is why everyone thinks you're a cunt, Bono."
"Doctor" he says, "oi tink dere's a problem wid me cow's voicebox loike."
"What makes you think that?" ask the vet.
Bono replies "She moos in mysterious ways."
“No it’s ok.”
“Are you sure? I know that Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own.”
“I want a divorce you cunt.”
received an award from the United States of America when there was a subversive element firing babies out of a cannon at the President; he said 'Achtung baby' and then the President jumped out of the way and thanked Bono for saving his life but then Bono ruined it all by turning into MacPhisto and phoning him late at night calling him a gaylord and asking him if Ivor Dickonmyass was there and then revealing that he didn't really want to talk to the White House intern with that name and that he really was just trying to prank the President. The president was so angry that he declared War on wherever Bono's tax haven is on that cold October morn, which made Bono apologise really sincerely with a handwritten letter that he'd had proof-read by Adam Clayton and everything to make sure there were no spelling mistakes. The president accepted the apology and then had to ask How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb
and has to go on 'I'm a celebrity get me out of here' to make ends meet. On the eating horrible things challenge he is presented with a monkey's eye.
'You must eat this eye.' say Ant and Dec.
'Dis-eye? Urr-urr-urr'. He says, grimacing.
reading The Man Who Was Thursday by G. K. Chesterton; when he has finished reading, he switches the light off (in the process annoying his wife, who is herself still reading) and tries to sleep. He can't though, because he's musing upon the character of Sunday (who annoyed him) and is grumbling 'Sunday bloody Sunday'
The next morning when they wake up, Bono and Mrs. Bono are sitting at the table eating their ice cream sundaes when suddenly a madman shooting babies out of a cannon shoots one at Bono (in revenge). Mrs. Bono tries to yell 'Achtung Baby', but Bono can't hear her and the baby hits him in the nose giving him a right nosebleed all over his sundae.
Sundae! Bloody Sundae! he exclaims to inform his wife
Later that afternoon, while writing a song about poverty, he thinks to himself about these two events that have occurred within this day and realises
Hey dere! It's Sunday so it is!
Sunday... BLOODY SUNDAY
and then his wife tells him he's being a racist caricature
and a young Paul Hewson is struggling to think of a stage-name which will show a potential adoring public how wonderful he is once his new band U2 make it big.
Driving through the streets of Dublin, he glances in his rear view mirror just in time to catch the sign for the cities most famous sex-shop, O'Nob...
Copyright Sean Hughes, Never Mind the Buzzcocks, circa 1997.
The Edge you're more beast than man!
Bono's wife screams out loud: 'Hold me! Thrill me! Kiss me!' Bono takes off his Make poverty history wristband, strangles her to death, puts on his shades and picks up his dictaphone: 'Idea for a new song...'
Spots a countryside vermin burying a fish in the ground. Bono's wife yells: 'A mole!'
with the lead singer of Hole, who had recently moved to Dublin, also in the dock as an accessory. Bono pleads guilty but does not want Courtney to go down with him, so he tells the judge "I did what I did before Love came to town."
and sees a band doing a cover of "You To Me Are Everything". He's so impressed he goes to see the band after their set & says "You're even better than The Real Thing."
The tragic day comes when he has to butcher mr twirly tail the pig so Bono can have bacon in the morning (and brag to Israel how good it tastes via skype). Bono hangs the pig up, reads off his U2ExclusiveRediFone that he needs to slit the pig's throat, he's slashing away at the poor squealing pig until he manages to cut the pig's head clean off. Bono's wife comes in to see how it's going, "Bono, where's the head?". He replies "Under a BLOOD RED STYYYYYY..." and cries.