The Monday chart round-up: TOTP is dead, so what?

So Top Of The Pops is dead. Anyone watch the last one? I didn’t. Had better things to do. Like eat pasta and catch a train. I thought about recording it, specifically to find out what was atop the pile o’ short-play records we in the business call the ‘singles chart’, but then I remembered: the DiS round-up, this round-up, will set me straight! Not least of all ‘cause I’m the foo’ writing it…

This Monday morning – sorry, afternoon – sees the top five entirely consumed by ladies: Shakira’s wiggling her hips at one, with a little help from some fella that was once in The Fugees, while positions two and three are occupied by Christina Aguilera and Rihanna respectively. Seriously, ‘Ain't No Other Man’ is goooood. Yep. ‘Unfaithful’, though, ain’t. Naaaah.

At four is Lily Allen’s ‘Smile’ – her Alright, Still long-player is at three in the album chart – while the fifth slot is home to James Morrison’s ‘You Give Me Something’, a song so perfectly in tune with Blunt’s nauseating melancholy that it’s easy to imagine its maker headlining sizeable theatres the country over by the autumn. What? It’s a he…? Jesus, I thought men were meant to have BALLS.

McFly slip to six, presumably because their balls weighed them down to that level, while the rest of the top twenty is a mixed bag of crap and slightly smellier crap. Kasabian – surely due a reminder that their fifteen minutes were up months ago – gatecrash the top ten, at nine, with ‘Empire’, and Snow Patrol’s ‘Chasing Cars’ (review) bores its way to fifteen. Like, brilliant – middle-aged Mondeo men (or insert the middle-management dullard’s current car of choice) are buying singles now. The Pet Shop Boys’ ‘Minimal’ is a new entry at nineteen. Sadly, it’s just as rubbish as the aforementioned abominations.

In better news, Paris Hilton’s debut single ‘Stars Are Blind’ makes its mark at thirty-five – expect it to have climbed come this time next week – and… no, that’s it. The singles chart is awful right now. Sorry.

Albums: the top five, one to five, reads Razorlight, Snow Patrol, Lily Allen, The Kooks and Paulo Nutini. I don’t think that any more needs to be said, there. Pharrell Williams’ debut long-player ‘In My Mind’ is a new entry at seven – look out for a review if we can find a few more gems under its slurry of filler – while Muse’s Black Holes And Revelations is still sitting pretty at eight. The Feeling remain in the top forty, at thirty-seven, with Twelve Stops And Home (review, suggesting that not enough idiots were culled last week; Guillemots, meanwhile, are yet to receive a sales boost in the wake of their Mercury nomination, as Through The Windowpane (review) is at thirty-eight. Thom Yorke’s The Eraser (review) has also slipped – last week’s eighteen is this week’s thirty-one.

So what’s out today, eh? Well, there’s Similou’s ‘All This Love’ – reviewed here – and Midlake’s ‘Roscoe’ – reviewed here. ‘Civil Sin’, by Boy Kill Boy, hits stores today, as does the physical version of Paris Hilton’s ditty. Oh go and buy it already – it’s summer, you’re allowed to be dumb. The Horrors (and they are horrible) release ‘Death At The Chapel’, and The Raconteurs’ ‘Hands’ can also be yours to own from your local HMV as of now. Good, good…

Album-wise, that Morrison fella releases Undiscovered (we wish), and Stone Sour unleash Come What(Ever) May. Ooooh, we’re so moved by your emoting, Mr Slipknot man… now put your mask back on and make some metal. Dang…

Also available are albums by DMX, The Puppini Sisters (they’re, like, all over the Tube right now), and Kelis. We’d be excited about that last one, but we’ve not been sent it. Unless it’s in this pile of unopened post. Do excuse me, won’t you…