Yeah, I’m fresh from one of those weekends of faecal incarceration and not washing any part of you with anything more substantial than water. Oh my, I love to do it. Having experienced certain things and seen others that you should probably never be exposed to, I have compiled a slender guide to how life in the middle lane can often be lived if you aim high…
1) Wake up (pm) and know the futility in your hope that a hangover will not emerge. Appear, quite rightly, not to be bothered about missing any bands.
2) Glance at your timetable and award one solitary band your viewing pleasure for that day. You don’t want to over-exert yourself, now. And it's not about the music!
3) Pick up a breakfast beer - preferably one which is now warm and flat from the afternoon sunshine. It is important to replace lost fluids and remain in the right frame of mind.
4) Trudge toward the arena and really care what time any of the bands are on. It’s not like you paid to get in, is it! Admire your shiny wristband.
5) Realise that your appointed band is onstage and try to enjoy them thoroughly. Actually try to listen to them because it may seem fulfilling. You might actually know a song as well.
6) Think your work is now done and proceed to any available bar. You will feel satisfied. Now, though, the aim is to get drunk.
7) Find someone suitably boring to make light conversation with in lieu of watching any bands. You’ll have heard all of the bands anyway. Probably.
8) Waste the day in such a manner and also make a point of telling everyone you’re just popping backstage. You won’t be, but that’s not the point.
9) Meet all of 2 “industry types” and shake their hand / air kiss them appropriately. Do not, even for a moment, expect them to actually remember your name. They won't.
10) ‘Watch’ the main act of the day. You’re unreservedly drunk by now - don’t worry about it. You're cool enough to pull it off.
11) Leave the arena exceptionally drunk and once you have found your tent, or at least atent, proceed to either...
12 a) Drink too much and pass out. You will be fully clothed, including your pointless sunglasses. You will be in your tent, but only just. The door will be open, your legs hanging out. People will shake their head as they walk past.
12 b) Stay awake all night singing well-known theme tunes for equally well-known confectionary items. Gain a following.
Is this really a very accurate portrayal of a day in the life of a self-important fool on a messy weekend? Is this me? Was this me? Can it be you? What do you think?