With Reading Festival next weekend those of you going may be thinking about how you’re going to feed yourself without either falling ill or getting ripped off. But worry no more for I, Andy (quirk), king of festival food will now show you how to survive for less than the price of an undercooked burger and chips (that’s 3 quid) all weekend. Follow my advice and you should hopefully avoid the double evil of not only having the runs but having them on an overflowing portaloo...
Go To Tesco
Tesco is best for three reasons:
1. It isn’t a horrible brown colour like Sainsbury.
2. It isn’t owned by “would you like a hand gun with your sprouts” US giant Wallmart (see: Asda).
3. Tesco Value
Buy The Following
1 carton of 4 Tesco Value packet soups (minnestroni) £0.28
1 carton of Tesco Value instant mash potatoe £0.56
3 packets of Hao Hao flavoured noodles £0.33
1 pot of beef&tomatoe flavour Tesco Value pot noodle £0.39
6 pack of Tesco crisps (various flavours) £0.74
12 Wagon Wheels (packs of 6, buy 1 get 1 free) £0.68
Total Cost = £2.98
oh, borrow a camping stove or hexi burner, it’s important.
You’ll want to eat something before drinking copious amounts of alcohol (it’s traditional) so make your Tesco Value pot noodle and eat it with a couple of Wagon Wheels. Wash out the pot and keep it.
The morning is a bad time to play with camp stoves and fire in general so it’s a packet of crisps (avoid cheese and onion before midday) and a Wagon Wheel for your breakfast. Lunch is a wonderful packet of Hao Hao noodles (beef or chicken, avoid prawn) complemented by a Wagon Wheel. Eat noodles from Tesco Value pot noodle pot from last night for proper festival effect. Otherwise eat from pan. Dinner is where it gets really exciting, make up one of your instant soups in your value pot noodle pot but don’t fill to the brim. Now add spoons of instant mash to the soup until you get the desired mash consistency. Hurrah, minnestoni mash potatoe! Eat with packet of crisps and guess what...a Wagon Wheel!
Saturday & Sunday
As Friday, although if you feel daring try swapping the lunch and dinner around.
Before you leave you’ve just got time to munch up the last packet of soup (potatoe optional) and 2 Wagon Wheels. You will officially be fed up of all the products mentioned by now but on the plus side you should be relatively healthy and have spent approximately 1/20th of what you would have getting diorrhea from the festival food vendors!
I would suggest Tesco lager (not Tesco Value lager you understand!), with 3% cans coming in at £1.75 for 4 and 5%ers for £2.99 it’s hard to beat and tastes pretty good. But alas Reading has no Tesco so it is to brown coloured Sainsbury you must go, or to the trucks selling crates of 24 for ridiculous sums of money. Just try to avoid cider, this isn’t Glastonbury you know...