At the end of the year, I shall be doing a compilation of the creme de la creme of responses to my utterly ludicrous competition questions.
However, this just arrived in my inbox, as an entry to the Animal Collective competition.
Josh Harnett (great granddaughter of the inventor of the Hair Net), had very few friends, and between the years of 1996-1997, was rumoured to live in a cave. According to a book (seriously, a fucking book, therefore this MUST be true), heâ€™d become so detached from humanity that heâ€™d begun eating his own faeces, and using a combination of his toe-nail clippings and hairs from his arse to create a primitive form of â€œham radioâ€?.
As all botanists know, Ham Radio, is not only the most attractive possession in a male to any female of the species, but it also secretes a form of aphrodisiac if used to sing Smiths songs on certain frequencies. It wasnâ€™t long before Josh Harnett hadnâ€™t just moved out of the cave, begun a regular diet, and rejoined the human race in as close a form as he could resemble. This constant lust was imbalancing him, causing his hair to begin to fall out and his eyes to progressively shrink into his own head. It was on July 9th 2006 at 16:32 outside a â€œWendysâ€? in Prague, that Josh Harnett tragically died after being hit by the Delorian, which allegedly was being driven by Noah himself at the time.
Noah just thought the guy was a cunt, and generally was a lot nastier than people thought he was. Fucking Noah.