it was an expression of solidarity with another person who knows what it is to rule a vast business empire and then have it all snatched away by the vagaries of the free market.
but I made some unwise decisions, the business collapsed, my wife left me, I lost my house, I started drinking and one day went on a killing spree in Lemington Spa High Street, killing 15 people and maining four children.
and following that enjoyed a long commercially rewarding solo career. Then I got shot in the face and run over by a tank, which I survived. Then when I was recovering in hospital they discovered I had cancer, AIDS, and bird flu.
What finished me off was being cheese-gratered to death by a man made of salt.
with the company that we had, found that we got a lot more done if we dressed as Tunderbirds puppets. I put some glasses on and did all of the scientific stuff.
that would allow me to stay at home all day. I thought I'd get up about 2pm, maybe watch some telly. Eat some instant noodles, muck about the internet. I certainly didn't have any plans on looking for a job.
As they rightly pointed out, I'd just be wasting my time
they took a photo of me and blew it up to life size, and said that they would decide the winning candidate by punching their picture out in to a cardboard model that would stand at the front of the building.
it was a nice job for a while. i enjoyed looking after the elephants and the lions, directing the visitors to the whereabouts of the seals and sealions, seeing the happy faces of all the children as they watched, with faces full of glee, the meercats playing and the tigers prowling. i was so good at my job they promoted me, to head zookeeper of those animals closest to us. The Monkeys! powerful groillas and cheeky chimpanzees, what simian sights i would see!
but it was a disaster which would end my happy time as a zookeeper.
it drove me bannanas!!!
BOOM BOOM!
some money that had a bit of a reputation, it was always getting in fights or mugging old ladies, that sort of thing. I decided that the best way to get rid of it was put it in to a catapult.
I had some really nice money as well, though. It used to go and get shopping for old people, or help out down at the soup kitchen. I was bored of it though, so I put that in the catapult immediately after the first lot of money.
I couldn't help but feel that I was just throwing good money after bad, though
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.
Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the Measles
and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's
a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Patrick jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next
door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad
says it will take the contagious".
I hope it didn't deflate your mood.
Whooo - nice...
Who is next?
this thread was started on my birthday
i was drunk at the time though
that is why this is my first reply!
i used to own a topless bar
but it went tits-up.
Nice!
i used to own a plumbing business, but it went down the drain.
but seriously, what have balloons got to do with "bust"ing?
surely "i used to own a bra factory, but then it went bust"?
Bra's don't 'bust'. But balloons can 'bust'...
get it?
But bra's contain a bust
so there's a subtlty element.
80...
and OI THEO
SORT AIIIGHT YOUR APOSTROPHES, ya HIPPY CRIT
Good point
Typo madness! :-D
oh and
78
balloons BURST
bras can bust (ie just break) just as much as balloons can.
that wasn't a joke
it was an expression of solidarity with another person who knows what it is to rule a vast business empire and then have it all snatched away by the vagaries of the free market.
i used to own a corner shop
but the poor economy and growing monopolisation of out of town shopping centres meant that i had to shut down and sell a kidney to clear my debts.
that reminds me of the jokes on martbowski's weblog
www.martbowski.com i think
ooh no
www.martbowski.co.uk
ok
not there at all. but they were non-jokes such as 'A man walks into a bar. He is probably an alcoholic who will later go home and beat his wife.'
ROFL!
I used to own an ice cream van until I ran someone over. I went to jail.
Skiings not as popular as it used to be
it's going downhill fast.
I used to own a farm
but then I bought the farm
genius
.
I used to own a football team
but they died.
LMAO
fuck yes
i used to be a paedophile
but then all the kids i fancied grew up
too far? abandon reply?
if you have to ask...
^^^^HAHAHAHA
re: commandercool
I used to be a weatherman
but I found it very depressing
I used to own a resturant...
but eberything went down the pan.
I used to own a small printing business
but I made some unwise decisions, the business collapsed, my wife left me, I lost my house, I started drinking and one day went on a killing spree in Lemington Spa High Street, killing 15 people and maining four children.
actually
I'm finding this whole thread depressing. Let's talk about sandwiches again instead.
Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?
Because the party, as ever, was either in London or fucking far-flung Wales :-(
i used to own a school
but it never made the grade.
that was shit actually.
I used to own a whale
but i lost it during a trip to london.
if anyone has seen it please call 07770 756 408
It answers to the name of 'Tiddles'.
I am tempted to call that number and explain that Tiddles is now dead
sadly.
do it
I hope it's Flirt Divert...
:-D
way to give the game away
theo.
I'm worried that you would have that to hand
Does Sian know?
there's this thing
called 'google'...
Going into meeting room now...
to make phone call... so that if it's something crazy, my boss does nay freak out
[the FEAR has rejoined me, restless boy}
Russell, why don't we just have an online courtship on DiS..
We could get married one day and I'll spend all of your money on a massive year long DiS party instead, eh?
You are waiting, aren't you?
For me to call...
only
as long as you've found my whale.
I used to run a viagra business.
but it flopped.
err, sorry.
I used to run a flying school
but it nose dived
THEY'RE JUST GETTING BETTER
I used to be a driving instructor...
But it drove me around the bend.
I used to run a school which taught people who to make a house of cards
but it collapsed
I used to run a bomb factory.
but it bombed.
That was shit...
maybe if it had been an explosives factory...
I like this!!!
!
Oops- meant liked this one about viagra
!
i use to own you
and i still do!
OWNED!!!!!!!!!!
I used to own
a vacuum cleaner company.
but it sucked.
I also used to be in
a 1970s heavy rock group, but we always went down like a lead balloon.
I used to own an orchard
but it wasn't a growth industry
I used to run an irrigration programme
but things just dried up
TERRIBLE
I used to clean toilets
it was shit.
I used to run a rival business to pedigree chum
but it went to the dogs
I used to own an old train station
but it ran out of steam.
I used to own an empty milk carton, a rusty bike wheel from the bottom of a river, a stained
mattress and a chewed pen lid. It was rubbish
I used to be a historian...
until someone told me to stop living in the past.
I used to have visions in my sleep about a u-bend
but it was just a pipe dream
I used to run a burns ward.
but everyone died from horrific burns injuries.
genuine
lol
I used to own a clothes shop
but now i don't.
I sold it as a going concern.
I used to import pure uncut colombian cocaine by the ton
but then I found out it was illegal.
hahaha
I used to work as a negotiator for NAtive American bussiness
but it turned out they were all chiefs.
RELEVANT
I used to run a canoeing business.
but then it got stuck up shit creek without a paddle.
I used to make rollerskates
until the business fell flat on it's face.
i used to run an oil drilling business
but i gave it up; it was boring.
who am I to argue
I used to own a newsagents.
It folded.
I used to own a chicken farm
then I sold it. I'm glad to be out of that fowl business
I used to run a paper shop
but it blew away.
I used to own a shoe shop...
but the customers walked away from it.
I used to be a standup comedian
but now I'm in a wheelchair.
I used to have a condition
that meant that I though the only way to get to the other side of a wall was to go round it.
It was alright though, I got over it
I used to be
on the executive board for a major pharmacuetical concern.
Then a lot of people died as a result of my decision-making and I was given an undisclosed amount of money to retire early.
I used to make money
selling my bodily fluids for medical research.
but they started taking the piss.
I used to go to a prostitue to chase me about and whip me
but I stopped as she just started giving me the run around.
I used to sell camels
but I got the hump.
and I once considred being a poultry farmer
but I chickened out.
I used to be a gimp...
but it was all pain and no gain.
I used to produce Heroin
but then the stock market took a hit
didn't it shoot up again?
I used to think
that one day I would own a pasty shop in Heaven.
I realised that it was just pie in the sky
I thought I could find a magic lamp
like alladin. But that was just wishful thinking.
I used to produce pornography
But I just couldn't handle it
I used to keep everything I owned
in a bucket, and I hung it on a branch over a 500ft high cliff.
Sadly, the bottom fell out, and I lost everything
I used to be a horse breeder...
but the company went bust when I was given the reins.
I used to
badger farce custard wank house mile jumper.
But that was just crazy talk
I used to be an athlete...
but I couldn't clear the first hurdle.
I used to be a mountaineer
but it was a bit of an uphill struggle
I used to read the biggest selling national daily newspaper in Holland
but it was all Dutch to me
I used to own a company making kettle's
but then the company got in hot water.
I used to be a specialist in property law
it owned.
I used to make circles
but somebody else had cornered the market
I used to run a factory making bottled water
but it gave everyone cancer, so they shut it down.
I used to own a factory which made matches...
but all our hopes went up in flames.
I used to do crazy paving
it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.
I used to make ice sculptures
but the company went into liquidation.
I used to own a company that made coffins
it stiffed.
This never actually gets old, does it?
i used to host radio weddings
the reception was awful
I'm
more amazed at the number of jobs we've all had / companies that we've owned
I ran a glue factory
but it was just flogging a dead horse.
I used to be a dairy farmer
but I got out early cos I didn't want to milk it.
I used to own a factory which made scaffolding...
but we didn't have enough money to support it.
I used to be the drummer in genesis
and following that enjoyed a long commercially rewarding solo career. Then I got shot in the face and run over by a tank, which I survived. Then when I was recovering in hospital they discovered I had cancer, AIDS, and bird flu.
What finished me off was being cheese-gratered to death by a man made of salt.
I used to own a rope company...
But I couldn't flog any old rope.
I used to run a hat factory
but it went to my head.
I used to breed little piggies
but there was no market for them.
I used to make exit signs
but they're on the way out.
I used to do channel cruises for people with poor timekeeping
I missed the boat on that one.
I used to own a company which made lifts...
but we got shafted by the taxman.
I used to sell hot drinks receptacles
it was a mugs game.
I used to own a company which made glasses...
but we didn't have any vision.
I used to own a musical instrument shop
but I wasn't in tune with it.
I used to own a factory which made cutlery...
but we couldn't handle the pressure.
I don't even get that one
is it something to do with
'handle'?
Yep...
I should have used a better object which contained a handle...
It's now a factory which made doors.
thats MEAN
but probably true.
ladies
we have LOL
Nice one, guys
Liking it lots...!!
i used to own a milk farm
but i did't have the bottle for it
I used to make Apple Macs for
benders, birds and coloureds.
Then everyone went PC.
this is my favourite thread ever
I hope it never ends.
i used to own a music based website........
but i found it DISappointing
ho ho
I invested in a face lift surgery
but then the competition turned ugly
i
salute you
I used to work at a liposuction surgery
but I got down-sized
i used to deal cannabis for a living
but that went up in smoke
i used to juggle professionally
until it went balls-up.
i used to be a critically acclaimed novelist
but then I lost the plot :-(
i used to be having fun in this thread
but... no wait, I still am!
I used to run a company manufacturing tiny pins
But I just couldn't see the point any more.
i used to run an American biscuit factory, but it closed down
ah well, that's how the cookie crumbles.
i used to be a drill seargent
till i got my marching orders.
I used to be a struggling solo artist who would piss everyone off by shameless plugging on DiS
in the end I got band
i used to work in circumcision
till i got the sac.
^^(im SO proud of that one)^^
i used to be an octagenarian prostitute who threw up on people
till i got the old heave ho.
i used to work as a scotish dancing instructor
but it was really only a fling
i used to design and manufacture replicas of my ripcage
but my heart wasnt really in it.
i used to design alternatives to egg whisks
but we got beaten by the competition.
i used to make insutrial strength bath soap
but then the bubble burst.
i used to own a massive shop on wheels
but then the market crashed.
i used to be a suicide councellor
but i lost the will to live
i used to have a fat face and sing in a piano based indie pop group
but i wasnt too keane on the whole idea.
i used to try to be a gynaeochologist
but i felt i was always on the outside looking in.
i used to kid myself that i was in the hole digging trade
but it was really boreing
i iused to pretend i was the make up artist for the drummer from The Adverts
but it was really Gaye.
i used to pretend i was molested as a child by Eeyore
but it was really Pooh.
i used to have a job working in an office with sean and colin
but it was a DiS appointment.
alcxxk used to have a life but
his best mates uncle touched him inappropriately one xmas and took it away...er. yeah. UNFACT
i aint saying she a goldigger
but she walks around with a shovel
i used to work for ticketmaster ringing customers up to let them no of gig cancellations
it was a non event
i used to manufacture lightbulbs
it was enlightening
i used to be a greenskeeper at my local golf course
but i didnt make the cut
i used to be an over emotional milkman
but i got sacked for cryin on the job after i dropped my delivery
i was a very nervous builder
i kept on bricking it
i used to be in a band but we got dropped for being shit
we were toploader
i used to be the creator of man and made the world in 7 days
would i ever do it again?
God knows.
I applied for a job with Robertsons
but my mate got the job.
Jammy fucker.
I used to run a support group for people who liked intimacy with pets
but the people I was dealing with were fucking animals.
I once trained to be a pilot
That's when my career really took off.
I used to make swedish style clocks
in which a small wooden bird would pop out every hour on the hour and make its trademark sound.
it drove me mad.
I used to think
that man was meant to be on his feet 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I gave up when someone pointed out that I was wrong.
Their argument went against everything I stood for
I used to work for Dr Frankenstein's company
but I had to quit, my line manager was a monster.
That
was beautiful
I used to be a web designer
but a spider ate me.
^^^HAHAHAHAHA
Very good Restless...
I used to be in the escapology business
but I had to get outta there.
OH THIS IS SHIT
a similar thing happened
when I was making fly on the wall documentaries.
I once announced my intention
to make the world's biggest and most durable cake.
but I couldn't cut it.
I was once a chef
but I couldn't stand the heat so I got out of the kitchen.
:(
I used to be one of Satan's minions
but I quit as work was just hell.
In my last job my boss poked my eyes out
I swore blind I'd get revenge on him.
I was once employed at minimum wage
to type out the entire works of shakespeare.
I couldn't do it because I was of a simian nature.
Still, if you pay peanuts you get monkeys.
One time my boss kept pushing the front door because it was stuck
In the end I told him to shove it.
I used to work for auditing at Heinz
but I hated it, bloody bean counters.
I used to be a Dungeoneer
but it was a Knightmare.
Jesus... I can nay get over this thread..
Let's see how long we can keep it going... Epic thread...
I had a psychic boyfriend... but he left me before we met...
boom boom.
I used to be a postman
before that I was a preman.
I used to try
and get people to invest in my idea of a safe that doesn't have a door.
But there was no money in it
I wanted to start a tourism company
called 'Visit any part of England other than London!'
but we didn't have the capital.
I had a chair-making business
but it died on its arse.
I used to be a feminist
but then I got a shag
Wuh???
That's not a joke! That's real, innit?
I had an idea
that involved allowing people to set up stalls and sell stuff, but the stalls would be made of a soufflé that I'd made with the oven door open.
Of course, the market fell flat
I used to run an agency for midgets
but profits came up short.
I invented a car
that you didn't have to drive, you just sat there and it did everything for you. I only ever drove it once, on the world's largest oval racetrack.
Eventually, it drove me round the bend
Similarly, I had a car which automatically transported fruit
It drove me bananas.
That self same car
would also drive people into European rivers.
It drove them in Seine
I used to run a slinky spring business
but it spiralled out of control
I also had a car with an onboard toilet
it drove me potty
My friends and I,
with the company that we had, found that we got a lot more done if we dressed as Tunderbirds puppets. I put some glasses on and did all of the scientific stuff.
I was the Brains of the outfit
I used to want to be an investment banker
but then I realised it rhymed with 'fucking wanker'.
I used to council people with A.D.D
but I got bored of it.
you should have said
'but I got bored of it after about five minutes'
I used to stand in the window of clothes shops
wearing their latest products to promote them to passers by.
But that's for dummies.
I once had a job
where my salary actually dictated what I did. When I got up, where I went, who I saw etc.
I gave that up though, I didn't want to be a slave to the wage
I used to be a beekeeper
but some competitors stole my business.
I really got stung there.
I used to slice cheese
then I decided that was the thin end of the wedge
I had a job selling warm winter coats
but my suppliers kept fleecing me.
I used to sell
extra mature sweetbreads.
But it was a load of old bollocks.
I used to get paid to test out dialasis machines
but then I realised I was getting this piss taken out of me
I thought a way to succeed
would be to join an existing window cleaning company and climb the ladder.
I tried to scale the heights
by making accurate models of mountain ranges.
I used to own a clothes shop
But it didn't suit me
I once thought I could quit working
and gain all my sustenance by stealing from strangers in cafes.
But it wasn't my cup of tea.
That's funny
I thought I'd see if I could make my fotune by answering a telephone that belonged to someone else.
It just wasn't for me
it reminds me of the time
I considered opening up an opticians.
But I had no eye for that sort of thing.
I tried to set up a business for
groups of Englishmen, Irishmen and Scotsmen but it turned out to be a joke.
please stop!
adding to this....oh
I was once a knackers yard salesman
but I was flogging a dead horse
I owned a company
that made novelty gay sex toys.
But I sold it after I found my investors were playing silly buggers.
I used to post on this thread all the time...
But someone said I was the worst :-(
You've made me cry now...
aw
poor tom_from_sparks.
it was hollywood_freak. I'll give him a row when I see him...
I tried to get a Government sponsorship
that would allow me to stay at home all day. I thought I'd get up about 2pm, maybe watch some telly. Eat some instant noodles, muck about the internet. I certainly didn't have any plans on looking for a job.
As they rightly pointed out, I'd just be wasting my time
The company I work for
is based in a hole in the ground.
I just fell into it really.
I started a chimney company
the profits went through the roof.
I came up with a product,
sold it for millions, and moved to Monaco for tax relief reasons, all in the space of 8 seconds.
I was an instant success
A mate and I started a studio to make pictures of different sized drinking aids.
Turns out I drew the short straw.
At a recent job interview
they took a photo of me and blew it up to life size, and said that they would decide the winning candidate by punching their picture out in to a cardboard model that would stand at the front of the building.
I didn't get it, though.
I wasn't cut out for it
I used to have unprotected sex with multiple strangers
but then I got syphilis.
i used to work in a zoo,
it was a nice job for a while. i enjoyed looking after the elephants and the lions, directing the visitors to the whereabouts of the seals and sealions, seeing the happy faces of all the children as they watched, with faces full of glee, the meercats playing and the tigers prowling. i was so good at my job they promoted me, to head zookeeper of those animals closest to us. The Monkeys! powerful groillas and cheeky chimpanzees, what simian sights i would see!
but it was a disaster which would end my happy time as a zookeeper.
it drove me bannanas!!!
BOOM BOOM!
I used to put pictures up in a gallery
but I couldn't get the hang of it
I used to own a sieve making factory...
But my business plan had too many holes in it.
i used to test beds for a living
work was pretty easy... i could do it in my sleep
I invented a
device that would automatically rescue you if you got stuck up a tree.
It really got me down
I used to own a company that made bath products
but the bubble burst
me and another hirsute mate used to test these new velcro style mattresses
but we found it difficult to get out of bed in the morning.
I used to own a company whcih made slides
But it was a slippery slope into debt.
I once got the sack from
a trampoline factory.
I soon bounced back.
I had
some money that had a bit of a reputation, it was always getting in fights or mugging old ladies, that sort of thing. I decided that the best way to get rid of it was put it in to a catapult.
I had some really nice money as well, though. It used to go and get shopping for old people, or help out down at the soup kitchen. I was bored of it though, so I put that in the catapult immediately after the first lot of money.
I couldn't help but feel that I was just throwing good money after bad, though
I hung a sign on my office door that said 'do not disturb'
I also put on a pair of headphones and ignored anyone who spoke to me.
By the end, I just couldn't be bothered.
I went to see a medium once
but my life story really upset him.
It was a crying shaman.
I used to own a company selling primates.
But someone told me it was just monkey business.
I used to run a gynaecology clinic
but I got fed up of working with c..... abandon reply!
I used to be a TV repairman
who wasn't very forthcoming about details.
you get the picture.
I was once employed
to test the external strength of houses using just my cranium.
At times, it was like banging my head against a brick wall
At one job i had I was sent out
to buy big shoes, trousers that you could pour custard into, a car where all the doors fell off, a big honky horn, lots of makeup and balloon animals.
It was a fool's errand.
I once worked for Ordnance Survey
but I didn't know where I was going with it
I briefly worked as a cosmetic dentist
but I wasn't particularly enamelled of it.
I used to carry around advertising boards for a company
but I quit last month.
It was a weight off my shoulders.
I used to work so hard as an acrobat in the circus
they had me jumping through hoops.
I worked as a designer for a variation of Monopoly
for household crockery.
It was a mug's game
I used to design spinning toys for children
it was top.
I used to own a factory which made boats.
But it was impossible to stay afloat.
I worked for a thesaurus concentrating on the word emense
it was great.
I worked for a company
that made extremely powerful lights.
it was brilliant.
I used to get paid to test optical drops
it really opened by eyes.
I used to help pirates
illegally importing alcohol.
I got a rum deal.
I used to help Donkey Kong throw things at Italian plumbers.
It was a barrel of laughs.
ARF!
maybe you should have
invested in dictionaries too.
this to moker
That reminds me
of when I ran a course helping people express themselves better.
It was a bit... 'you know'. Kind of... erm... whatdyercallit.
Or the time i worked for MI5
that was really ####### ### # ### ## #### ### ###, #### #### ## Colin Roberts ##### ### ## #### ###### ##### conspiracy to ###### #### ######## John Brainlove ##### ### #### # ####### pigeon.
at one time I wanted to be a shepherd
but I couldn't get the staff.
I was an undertaker for a while
now that's a dead end job.
i used to be Edward Scissorhand's personal assistant
but i left when he cut my wages.
there is only 1 president who didn't blame the former administration for the countries problems
george washington
I used to have an open mind but my brain kept falling out
I worked for a surreal deisgn company
but I gave up becuase 44 envelop face.
I tried sniffing Coke once but the ice cubes got stuck to my nose
I used to imagine
that when I was at work I was dressed as a giant Edam.
I used to think I was the big cheese
I own a lightbulb factory
I'm such a bright spark
you'll burn out eventually
I poured SPOT remover on my dog.
Now he's gone.
/Arf!
As they say at the Family Planning Clinics
Better late than never....
Excuses are like bottoms... everyone has one and they all stink
I used to work as an international translator but
esta broma no tiene ningún punchline asà que no incomoda el traducir de él
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
boom boom
I used to want to be a really fat actor
it was a stage I was going through.
I had a job once
that was a really long way away and they insisted I had to punch the road every ten paces.
It was a bit too far off the beaten track.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
(boom boom)
300 posts
oh dear.
I used to try and get my boss to like me
by making him Chicken Tikka Massalas, Dansaks, and Vindaloos.
I was just trying to curry favour.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
Sting once offered to employ me
to wave my hands around him to cool him down. But I declined.
I'm not a fan.
I used to work in an egg factory
But I just couldn't crack it
I used to work in a seafood factory
taking cash from the customers and putting it into my bosses account.
I gave it up because it was all a bit fishy.
FUCKING AWFUL
I've applied for a job as a pilot
I've no experience. I'll just have to wing it.
How do you tell when you have run out of invisible ink?
I quit my job as a transvestite
it was a drag.
I quit my job in a coffeeshop
I was tired of the same old grind
I quit my job as an exorcist
it was soul destroying.
I had a job as a profession snakes and ladders player
but one day my career fell apart when I landed on a really big snake.
Back to square one eh?
I was going to try and find my fortune
in crisp manufacturing.
I thought I'd make a packet.
My last job
involved eating undercooked chicken and staying awake all night.
I soon grew sick and tired of that
Once I was a joiner
but then I quit.
'What do you call a woman with 3 pints of Beer on her head and a snooker cue
Beertrix Potter
Used to own a paper shop but it blew away
(sorry)...
Don't apologise
I used to do that all the time. I had to stop I was in such a sorry state.
I used to write plots for ITV
but then
That's a bit like me
I have no staying power in any job. I have a real problem with the word commtitmnet.
I spent some time
volunteering as a tree doctor.
call me a sap.
Sap
then there was those
who said that I was bark-ing.
Barking Mad. Woof Woof.
Longish joke
An English Lesson
A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.
Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the Measles
and my Mum said it was contagious."
"Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's
a bug going round, and it's contagious."
"Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Patrick jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next
door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad
says it will take the contagious".
My turf business went tits up
Sod's Law I suppose
I used to be a right layabout and bum
but then I got my act together. Now I'm a student.
I used to have an informal deal with the London Paladium
playing Pinocio for £50 a hour. No strings attached.
I also used to own a balloon factory
It didn't really get off the ground
I used to be an executioner
I couldn't get the hang of it.
It went bust
sadly,
yes :P
I once had a job
removing the bottom of shoes.
It was a sole-less task.
i was once the CEO of a water company
but we went in to liquidation
I was once a traffic warden
I had a fine time.
i used to have a job making sure the sperm receptacle thingy
didn't fall off the bull's penis when trying to get sperm for artificial insemination purposes.
But I quit because my boss was a wanker.
I once worked in a manure factory
where we were given product not money for our work.
so yes the pay was shit.
I had a list of jobs that I've always wanted to do
and right at the bottom of the list was 'bird flu vaccine tester'.
Then I got a letter telling me that I was to become a test patient for the bird flu vaccine.
It was the last thing I wanted to do
I used to have a job designing playgrounds
then I moved onto these parks.
It was all swings and roundabouts really
*theme parks
I had a job
removing yeast residue from wooden receptacles involved in the brewing of beer.
Actually these jokes are really scraping the bottom of the barrel now aren't they?
^^^^postmodern
I had a job
polishing the same jokes over and over again.
The jokes really started wearing thin
I used to have a job as a male escort
but I quit because I was tired of fucking ugly women.
I used to do traffic light maintenance