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Music Social More…

New thread: jokes: "I used to own a balloon factory, but it went bust"

Rose-Kitten [Edit] [Delete] 446 replies 15:05, 22 February '06

Beat that...

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  • I hope it didn't deflate your mood.

    tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 15:06 | X
    • Whooo - nice...

      Who is next?

      Rose-Kitten @tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 15:07 | X
      • this thread was started on my birthday

        i was drunk at the time though
        that is why this is my first reply!

        -Raz- @Rose-Kitten | 11 Oct '06, 16:51 | X
    • i used to own a topless bar

      but it went tits-up.

      ex_cynic @tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 15:07 | X
      • Nice!

        iShotTheDeputy @ex_cynic | 22 Feb '06, 15:08 | X
        • i used to own a plumbing business, but it went down the drain.

          but seriously, what have balloons got to do with "bust"ing?

          surely "i used to own a bra factory, but then it went bust"?

          alcxxk @iShotTheDeputy | 22 Feb '06, 15:09 | X
          • Bra's don't 'bust'. But balloons can 'bust'...

            get it?

            Rose-Kitten @alcxxk | 22 Feb '06, 15:10 | X
            • But bra's contain a bust

              so there's a subtlty element.

              80...

              iShotTheDeputy @Rose-Kitten | 22 Feb '06, 15:11 | X
              • and OI THEO

                SORT AIIIGHT YOUR APOSTROPHES, ya HIPPY CRIT

                alcxxk @iShotTheDeputy | 22 Feb '06, 15:13 | X
                • Good point

                  Typo madness! :-D

                  iShotTheDeputy @alcxxk | 22 Feb '06, 15:42 | X
                  • oh and

                    78

                    iShotTheDeputy @iShotTheDeputy | 22 Feb '06, 15:42 | X
            • balloons BURST

              bras can bust (ie just break) just as much as balloons can.

              alcxxk @Rose-Kitten | 22 Feb '06, 15:12 | X
      • that wasn't a joke

        it was an expression of solidarity with another person who knows what it is to rule a vast business empire and then have it all snatched away by the vagaries of the free market.

        ex_cynic @ex_cynic | 22 Feb '06, 15:08 | X
      • i used to own a corner shop

        but the poor economy and growing monopolisation of out of town shopping centres meant that i had to shut down and sell a kidney to clear my debts.

        commandercool @ex_cynic | 22 Feb '06, 15:09 | X
        • that reminds me of the jokes on martbowski's weblog

          www.martbowski.com i think

          ex_cynic @commandercool | 22 Feb '06, 15:10 | X
        • ooh no

          www.martbowski.co.uk

          ex_cynic @commandercool | 22 Feb '06, 15:10 | X
          • ok

            not there at all. but they were non-jokes such as 'A man walks into a bar. He is probably an alcoholic who will later go home and beat his wife.'

            ex_cynic @ex_cynic | 22 Feb '06, 15:12 | X
        • ROFL!

          I used to own an ice cream van until I ran someone over. I went to jail.

          tom_from_sparks @commandercool | 22 Feb '06, 15:10 | X
          • Skiings not as popular as it used to be

            it's going downhill fast.

            moker @tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 15:13 | X
          • I used to own a farm

            but then I bought the farm

            Parsefone @tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 15:14 | X
        • genius

          .

          optimist @commandercool | 23 Feb '06, 01:15 | X
  • I used to own a football team

    but they died.

    restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 15:15 | X
    • LMAO

      fuck yes

      ex_cynic @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 15:16 | X
    • i used to be a paedophile

      but then all the kids i fancied grew up

      too far? abandon reply?

      commandercool @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 15:16 | X
      • if you have to ask...

        ex_cynic @commandercool | 22 Feb '06, 15:18 | X
      • ^^^^HAHAHAHA

        re: commandercool

        moker @commandercool | 22 Feb '06, 15:19 | X
    • I used to be a weatherman

      but I found it very depressing

      Parsefone @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 15:17 | X
      • I used to own a resturant...

        but eberything went down the pan.

        tom_from_sparks @Parsefone | 22 Feb '06, 15:19 | X
    • I used to own a small printing business

      but I made some unwise decisions, the business collapsed, my wife left me, I lost my house, I started drinking and one day went on a killing spree in Lemington Spa High Street, killing 15 people and maining four children.

      moker @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 15:19 | X
      • actually

        I'm finding this whole thread depressing. Let's talk about sandwiches again instead.

        Parsefone @moker | 22 Feb '06, 15:20 | X
  • Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

    Because the party, as ever, was either in London or fucking far-flung Wales :-(

    Judge_B | 22 Feb '06, 15:21 | X
  • i used to own a school

    but it never made the grade.
    that was shit actually.

    team_cooper | 22 Feb '06, 15:37 | X
  • I used to own a whale

    but i lost it during a trip to london.

    if anyone has seen it please call 07770 756 408

    It answers to the name of 'Tiddles'.

    restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 15:41 | X
    • I am tempted to call that number and explain that Tiddles is now dead

      sadly.

      Rose-Kitten @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 15:42 | X
      • do it

        restlessboy @Rose-Kitten | 22 Feb '06, 15:45 | X
        • I hope it's Flirt Divert...

          :-D

          iShotTheDeputy @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 15:46 | X
          • way to give the game away

            theo.

            restlessboy @iShotTheDeputy | 22 Feb '06, 15:48 | X
            • I'm worried that you would have that to hand

              Does Sian know?

              iShotTheDeputy @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 15:49 | X
              • there's this thing

                called 'google'...

                restlessboy @iShotTheDeputy | 22 Feb '06, 15:51 | X
        • Going into meeting room now...

          to make phone call... so that if it's something crazy, my boss does nay freak out

          [the FEAR has rejoined me, restless boy}

          Rose-Kitten @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 15:47 | X
          • Russell, why don't we just have an online courtship on DiS..

            We could get married one day and I'll spend all of your money on a massive year long DiS party instead, eh?

            Rose-Kitten @RussellCrowe | 22 Feb '06, 15:52 | X
          • You are waiting, aren't you?

            For me to call...

            Rose-Kitten @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 15:49 | X
            • only

              as long as you've found my whale.

              restlessboy @Rose-Kitten | 22 Feb '06, 15:51 | X
          • I used to run a viagra business.

            but it flopped.

            err, sorry.

            homesick_alien | 22 Feb '06, 15:48 | X
            • I used to run a flying school

              but it nose dived

              THEY'RE JUST GETTING BETTER

              moker @homesick_alien | 22 Feb '06, 15:49 | X
              • I used to be a driving instructor...

                But it drove me around the bend.

                tom_from_sparks @moker | 22 Feb '06, 15:51 | X
              • I used to run a school which taught people who to make a house of cards

                but it collapsed

                Judge_B @moker | 22 Feb '06, 15:51 | X
              • I used to run a bomb factory.

                but it bombed.

                homesick_alien @moker | 22 Feb '06, 15:52 | X
                • That was shit...

                  maybe if it had been an explosives factory...

                  iShotTheDeputy @homesick_alien | 22 Feb '06, 15:55 | X
            • I like this!!!

              !

              Rose-Kitten @homesick_alien | 22 Feb '06, 15:50 | X
            • Oops- meant liked this one about viagra

              !

              Rose-Kitten @homesick_alien | 22 Feb '06, 15:50 | X
            • i use to own you

              and i still do!
              OWNED!!!!!!!!!!

              chris-budget @homesick_alien | 22 Feb '06, 15:52 | X
          • I used to own

            a vacuum cleaner company.

            but it sucked.

            restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 15:53 | X
            • I also used to be in

              a 1970s heavy rock group, but we always went down like a lead balloon.

              restlessboy @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 15:53 | X
              • I used to own an orchard

                but it wasn't a growth industry

                tom_from_sparks @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 15:54 | X
                • I used to run an irrigration programme

                  but things just dried up

                  TERRIBLE

                  moker @tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 15:56 | X
                  • I used to clean toilets

                    it was shit.

                    restlessboy @moker | 22 Feb '06, 15:57 | X
                  • I used to run a rival business to pedigree chum

                    but it went to the dogs

                    moker @moker | 22 Feb '06, 15:58 | X
                • I used to own an old train station

                  but it ran out of steam.

                  team_cooper @tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 15:56 | X
                • I used to own an empty milk carton, a rusty bike wheel from the bottom of a river, a stained

                  mattress and a chewed pen lid. It was rubbish

                  Judge_B @tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 15:57 | X
                  • I used to be a historian...

                    until someone told me to stop living in the past.

                    tom_from_sparks @Judge_B | 22 Feb '06, 15:58 | X
                    • I used to have visions in my sleep about a u-bend

                      but it was just a pipe dream

                      Judge_B @tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 16:00 | X
                  • I used to run a burns ward.

                    but everyone died from horrific burns injuries.

                    homesick_alien @Judge_B | 22 Feb '06, 15:59 | X
                    • genuine

                      lol

                      restlessboy @homesick_alien | 22 Feb '06, 16:00 | X
                • I used to own a clothes shop

                  but now i don't.

                  I sold it as a going concern.

                  bones_howe @tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 15:58 | X
                  • I used to import pure uncut colombian cocaine by the ton

                    but then I found out it was illegal.

                    restlessboy @bones_howe | 22 Feb '06, 16:01 | X
                    • hahaha

                      moker @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 16:02 | X
                      • I used to work as a negotiator for NAtive American bussiness

                        but it turned out they were all chiefs.

                        RELEVANT

                        moker @moker | 22 Feb '06, 16:03 | X
                    • I used to run a canoeing business.

                      but then it got stuck up shit creek without a paddle.

                      homesick_alien @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 16:03 | X
                      • I used to make rollerskates

                        until the business fell flat on it's face.

                        tom_from_sparks @homesick_alien | 22 Feb '06, 16:04 | X
                        • i used to run an oil drilling business

                          but i gave it up; it was boring.

                          bones_howe @tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 16:09 | X
                          • who am I to argue

                            I used to own a newsagents.

                            It folded.

                            Parsefone @bones_howe | 22 Feb '06, 16:12 | X
                          • I used to own a chicken farm

                            then I sold it. I'm glad to be out of that fowl business

                            yo_soy_welshmun @bones_howe | 22 Feb '06, 16:13 | X
                            • I used to run a paper shop

                              but it blew away.

                              homesick_alien @yo_soy_welshmun | 22 Feb '06, 16:14 | X
                              • I used to own a shoe shop...

                                but the customers walked away from it.

                                tom_from_sparks @homesick_alien | 22 Feb '06, 16:15 | X
                                • I used to be a standup comedian

                                  but now I'm in a wheelchair.

                                  restlessboy @tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 16:16 | X
                                • I used to have a condition

                                  that meant that I though the only way to get to the other side of a wall was to go round it.

                                  It was alright though, I got over it

                                  Judge_B @tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 16:16 | X
                                  • I used to be

                                    on the executive board for a major pharmacuetical concern.

                                    Then a lot of people died as a result of my decision-making and I was given an undisclosed amount of money to retire early.

                                    Parsefone @Judge_B | 22 Feb '06, 16:20 | X
              • I used to make money

                selling my bodily fluids for medical research.

                but they started taking the piss.

                restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 16:21 | X
                • I used to go to a prostitue to chase me about and whip me

                  but I stopped as she just started giving me the run around.

                  moker @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 16:23 | X
                  • I used to sell camels

                    but I got the hump.

                    restlessboy @moker | 22 Feb '06, 16:24 | X
                    • and I once considred being a poultry farmer

                      but I chickened out.

                      restlessboy @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 16:24 | X
                  • I used to be a gimp...

                    but it was all pain and no gain.

                    tom_from_sparks @moker | 22 Feb '06, 16:24 | X
                • I used to produce Heroin

                  but then the stock market took a hit

                  Parsefone @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 16:24 | X
                  • didn't it shoot up again?

                    homesick_alien @Parsefone | 22 Feb '06, 16:25 | X
                  • I used to think

                    that one day I would own a pasty shop in Heaven.

                    I realised that it was just pie in the sky

                    Judge_B @Parsefone | 22 Feb '06, 16:25 | X
                    • I thought I could find a magic lamp

                      like alladin. But that was just wishful thinking.

                      restlessboy @Judge_B | 22 Feb '06, 16:26 | X
                    • I used to produce pornography

                      But I just couldn't handle it

                      Parsefone @Judge_B | 22 Feb '06, 16:27 | X
                      • I used to keep everything I owned

                        in a bucket, and I hung it on a branch over a 500ft high cliff.

                        Sadly, the bottom fell out, and I lost everything

                        Judge_B @Parsefone | 22 Feb '06, 16:29 | X
                    • I used to be a horse breeder...

                      but the company went bust when I was given the reins.

                      tom_from_sparks @Judge_B | 22 Feb '06, 16:27 | X
                      • I used to

                        badger farce custard wank house mile jumper.

                        But that was just crazy talk

                        Judge_B @tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 16:30 | X
                        • I used to be an athlete...

                          but I couldn't clear the first hurdle.

                          tom_from_sparks @Judge_B | 22 Feb '06, 16:31 | X
                          • I used to be a mountaineer

                            but it was a bit of an uphill struggle

                            Parsefone @tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 16:33 | X
                            • I used to read the biggest selling national daily newspaper in Holland

                              but it was all Dutch to me

                              Judge_B @Parsefone | 22 Feb '06, 16:36 | X
                              • I used to own a company making kettle's

                                but then the company got in hot water.

                                tom_from_sparks @Judge_B | 22 Feb '06, 16:38 | X
                            • I used to be a specialist in property law

                              it owned.

                              restlessboy @Parsefone | 22 Feb '06, 16:37 | X
                              • I used to make circles

                                but somebody else had cornered the market

                                Parsefone @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 16:39 | X
                                • I used to run a factory making bottled water

                                  but it gave everyone cancer, so they shut it down.

                                  homesick_alien @Parsefone | 22 Feb '06, 16:40 | X
                                  • I used to own a factory which made matches...

                                    but all our hopes went up in flames.

                                    tom_from_sparks @homesick_alien | 22 Feb '06, 16:42 | X
                                    • I used to do crazy paving

                                      it wasn't all it was cracked up to be.

                                      restlessboy @tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 16:47 | X
                                • I used to make ice sculptures

                                  but the company went into liquidation.

                                  restlessboy @Parsefone | 22 Feb '06, 16:40 | X
                                  • I used to own a company that made coffins

                                    it stiffed.

                                    This never actually gets old, does it?

                                    Parsefone @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 16:47 | X
                                    • i used to host radio weddings

                                      the reception was awful

                                      Slicky @Parsefone | 22 Feb '06, 16:50 | X
                                    • I'm

                                      more amazed at the number of jobs we've all had / companies that we've owned

                                      Judge_B @Parsefone | 22 Feb '06, 16:50 | X
                                      • I ran a glue factory

                                        but it was just flogging a dead horse.

                                        restlessboy @Judge_B | 22 Feb '06, 16:51 | X
                                    • I used to be a dairy farmer

                                      but I got out early cos I didn't want to milk it.

                                      restlessboy @Parsefone | 22 Feb '06, 16:50 | X
                                      • I used to own a factory which made scaffolding...

                                        but we didn't have enough money to support it.

                                        tom_from_sparks @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 16:52 | X
                                • I used to be the drummer in genesis

                                  and following that enjoyed a long commercially rewarding solo career. Then I got shot in the face and run over by a tank, which I survived. Then when I was recovering in hospital they discovered I had cancer, AIDS, and bird flu.

                                  What finished me off was being cheese-gratered to death by a man made of salt.

                                  restlessboy @Ai3bot | 22 Feb '06, 16:54 | X
                                  • I used to own a rope company...

                                    But I couldn't flog any old rope.

                                    tom_from_sparks @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 16:57 | X
                                • I used to run a hat factory

                                  but it went to my head.

                                  restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 16:57 | X
                                  • I used to breed little piggies

                                    but there was no market for them.

                                    restlessboy @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 16:59 | X
                                  • I used to make exit signs

                                    but they're on the way out.

                                    moker @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 16:59 | X
                                    • I used to do channel cruises for people with poor timekeeping

                                      I missed the boat on that one.

                                      restlessboy @moker | 22 Feb '06, 17:01 | X
                                    • I used to own a company which made lifts...

                                      but we got shafted by the taxman.

                                      tom_from_sparks @moker | 22 Feb '06, 17:01 | X
                                      • I used to sell hot drinks receptacles

                                        it was a mugs game.

                                        restlessboy @tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 17:06 | X
                                        • I used to own a company which made glasses...

                                          but we didn't have any vision.

                                          tom_from_sparks @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 17:08 | X
                                          • I used to own a musical instrument shop

                                            but I wasn't in tune with it.

                                            restlessboy @tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 17:13 | X
                                            • I used to own a factory which made cutlery...

                                              but we couldn't handle the pressure.

                                              tom_from_sparks @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 17:19 | X
                                              • I don't even get that one

                                                restlessboy @tom_from_sparks | 22 Feb '06, 17:20 | X
                                                • is it something to do with

                                                  'handle'?

                                                  restlessboy @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 17:21 | X
                                                  • Yep...

                                                    I should have used a better object which contained a handle...

                                                    It's now a factory which made doors.

                                                    tom_from_sparks @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 17:22 | X
                                                    • thats MEAN

                                                      but probably true.

                                                      alcxxk @hollywood_freak | 23 Feb '06, 02:29 | X
                                                    • ladies

                                                      we have LOL

                                                      ex_cynic @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 19:06 | X
                                                    • Nice one, guys

                                                      Liking it lots...!!

                                                      Rose-Kitten | 22 Feb '06, 17:38 | X
                                                      • i used to own a milk farm

                                                        but i did't have the bottle for it

                                                        chris-budget @Rose-Kitten | 22 Feb '06, 17:42 | X
                                                        • I used to make Apple Macs for

                                                          benders, birds and coloureds.

                                                          Then everyone went PC.

                                                          bobbygeorge @chris-budget | 22 Feb '06, 18:56 | X
                                                          • this is my favourite thread ever

                                                            I hope it never ends.

                                                            restlessboy @bobbygeorge | 22 Feb '06, 20:12 | X
                                                            • i used to own a music based website........

                                                              but i found it DISappointing
                                                              ho ho

                                                              chris-budget @restlessboy | 22 Feb '06, 20:29 | X
                                                              • I invested in a face lift surgery

                                                                but then the competition turned ugly

                                                                Parsefone @chris-budget | 22 Feb '06, 20:34 | X
                                                          • i

                                                            salute you

                                                            ex_cynic @bobbygeorge | 22 Feb '06, 20:41 | X
                                                            • I used to work at a liposuction surgery

                                                              but I got down-sized

                                                              Parsefone @PinkHerring99 | 22 Feb '06, 21:22 | X
                                                              • i used to deal cannabis for a living

                                                                but that went up in smoke

                                                                ex_cynic @Parsefone | 22 Feb '06, 22:03 | X
                                                                • i used to juggle professionally

                                                                  until it went balls-up.

                                                                  thommo @ex_cynic | 22 Feb '06, 22:08 | X
                                                                  • i used to be a critically acclaimed novelist

                                                                    but then I lost the plot :-(

                                                                    ex_cynic @thommo | 22 Feb '06, 22:10 | X
                                                                    • i used to be having fun in this thread

                                                                      but... no wait, I still am!

                                                                      ex_cynic @ex_cynic | 22 Feb '06, 22:11 | X
                                                                      • I used to run a company manufacturing tiny pins

                                                                        But I just couldn't see the point any more.

                                                                        colonol_k @ex_cynic | 22 Feb '06, 22:20 | X
                                                                        • i used to run an American biscuit factory, but it closed down

                                                                          ah well, that's how the cookie crumbles.

                                                                          thommo @colonol_k | 23 Feb '06, 01:26 | X
                                                                          • i used to be a drill seargent

                                                                            till i got my marching orders.

                                                                            alcxxk @thommo | 23 Feb '06, 02:13 | X
                                                                            • I used to be a struggling solo artist who would piss everyone off by shameless plugging on DiS

                                                                              in the end I got band

                                                                              ex_cynic @hollywood_freak | 23 Feb '06, 02:21 | X
                                                                              • i used to work in circumcision

                                                                                till i got the sac.

                                                                                alcxxk @hollywood_freak | 23 Feb '06, 02:31 | X
                                                                                • ^^(im SO proud of that one)^^

                                                                                  alcxxk @alcxxk | 23 Feb '06, 02:31 | X
                                                                                  • i used to be an octagenarian prostitute who threw up on people

                                                                                    till i got the old heave ho.

                                                                                    alcxxk @alcxxk | 23 Feb '06, 02:33 | X
                                                                                    • i used to work as a scotish dancing instructor

                                                                                      but it was really only a fling

                                                                                      alcxxk @alcxxk | 23 Feb '06, 02:35 | X
                                                                                      • i used to design and manufacture replicas of my ripcage

                                                                                        but my heart wasnt really in it.

                                                                                        alcxxk @alcxxk | 23 Feb '06, 02:35 | X
                                                                                        • i used to design alternatives to egg whisks

                                                                                          but we got beaten by the competition.

                                                                                          alcxxk @alcxxk | 23 Feb '06, 02:39 | X
                                                                                          • i used to make insutrial strength bath soap

                                                                                            but then the bubble burst.

                                                                                            alcxxk @alcxxk | 23 Feb '06, 02:41 | X
                                                                                        • i used to own a massive shop on wheels

                                                                                          but then the market crashed.

                                                                                          alcxxk @hollywood_freak | 23 Feb '06, 02:45 | X
                                                                                          • i used to be a suicide councellor

                                                                                            but i lost the will to live

                                                                                            HeartbrokenStar @hollywood_freak | 23 Feb '06, 02:58 | X
                                                                                          • i used to have a fat face and sing in a piano based indie pop group

                                                                                            but i wasnt too keane on the whole idea.

                                                                                            alcxxk @hollywood_freak | 23 Feb '06, 02:59 | X
                                                                                            • i used to try to be a gynaeochologist

                                                                                              but i felt i was always on the outside looking in.

                                                                                              alcxxk @alcxxk | 23 Feb '06, 03:02 | X
                                                                                              • i used to kid myself that i was in the hole digging trade

                                                                                                but it was really boreing

                                                                                                alcxxk @alcxxk | 23 Feb '06, 03:04 | X
                                                                                                • i iused to pretend i was the make up artist for the drummer from The Adverts

                                                                                                  but it was really Gaye.

                                                                                                  alcxxk @alcxxk | 23 Feb '06, 03:05 | X
                                                                                                  • i used to pretend i was molested as a child by Eeyore

                                                                                                    but it was really Pooh.

                                                                                                    alcxxk @alcxxk | 23 Feb '06, 03:06 | X
                                                                                                    • i used to have a job working in an office with sean and colin

                                                                                                      but it was a DiS appointment.

                                                                                                      alcxxk @alcxxk | 23 Feb '06, 03:10 | X
                                                                                                      • alcxxk used to have a life but

                                                                                                        his best mates uncle touched him inappropriately one xmas and took it away...er. yeah. UNFACT

                                                                                                        HeartbrokenStar @alcxxk | 23 Feb '06, 03:18 | X
                                                                                          • i aint saying she a goldigger

                                                                                            but she walks around with a shovel

                                                                                            HeartbrokenStar @hollywood_freak | 23 Feb '06, 03:21 | X
                                                                                            • i used to work for ticketmaster ringing customers up to let them no of gig cancellations

                                                                                              it was a non event

                                                                                              HeartbrokenStar @hollywood_freak | 23 Feb '06, 03:34 | X
                                                                                              • i used to manufacture lightbulbs

                                                                                                it was enlightening

                                                                                                HeartbrokenStar @HeartbrokenStar | 23 Feb '06, 03:36 | X
                                                                                                • i used to be a greenskeeper at my local golf course

                                                                                                  but i didnt make the cut

                                                                                                  HeartbrokenStar @HeartbrokenStar | 23 Feb '06, 03:36 | X
                                                                                                  • i used to be an over emotional milkman

                                                                                                    but i got sacked for cryin on the job after i dropped my delivery

                                                                                                    HeartbrokenStar @HeartbrokenStar | 23 Feb '06, 03:39 | X
                                                                                                    • i was a very nervous builder

                                                                                                      i kept on bricking it

                                                                                                      HeartbrokenStar @HeartbrokenStar | 23 Feb '06, 03:41 | X
                                                                                                      • i used to be in a band but we got dropped for being shit

                                                                                                        we were toploader

                                                                                                        HeartbrokenStar @HeartbrokenStar | 23 Feb '06, 03:42 | X
                                                                                                        • i used to be the creator of man and made the world in 7 days

                                                                                                          would i ever do it again?

                                                                                                          God knows.

                                                                                                          HeartbrokenStar @hollywood_freak | 23 Feb '06, 03:52 | X
                                                                                                        • I applied for a job with Robertsons

                                                                                                          but my mate got the job.

                                                                                                          Jammy fucker.

                                                                                                          restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 09:40 | X
                                                                                                          • I used to run a support group for people who liked intimacy with pets

                                                                                                            but the people I was dealing with were fucking animals.

                                                                                                            bobbygeorge @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 09:48 | X
                                                                                                            • I once trained to be a pilot

                                                                                                              That's when my career really took off.

                                                                                                              colonol_k @bobbygeorge | 23 Feb '06, 09:53 | X
                                                                                                              • I used to make swedish style clocks

                                                                                                                in which a small wooden bird would pop out every hour on the hour and make its trademark sound.

                                                                                                                it drove me mad.

                                                                                                                restlessboy @colonol_k | 23 Feb '06, 09:57 | X
                                                                                                                • I used to think

                                                                                                                  that man was meant to be on his feet 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I gave up when someone pointed out that I was wrong.

                                                                                                                  Their argument went against everything I stood for

                                                                                                                  Judge_B @bobbygeorge | 23 Feb '06, 09:55 | X
                                                                                                                  • I used to work for Dr Frankenstein's company

                                                                                                                    but I had to quit, my line manager was a monster.

                                                                                                                    colonol_k @Judge_B | 23 Feb '06, 10:03 | X
                                                                                                                • That

                                                                                                                  was beautiful

                                                                                                                  Teepee_uk @bobbygeorge | 23 Feb '06, 10:00 | X
                                                                                                                  • I used to be a web designer

                                                                                                                    but a spider ate me.

                                                                                                                    restlessboy @Teepee_uk | 23 Feb '06, 10:04 | X
                                                                                                                    • ^^^HAHAHAHAHA

                                                                                                                      Very good Restless...

                                                                                                                      moker @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 10:15 | X
                                                                                                                      • I used to be in the escapology business

                                                                                                                        but I had to get outta there.

                                                                                                                        OH THIS IS SHIT

                                                                                                                        moker @moker | 23 Feb '06, 10:16 | X
                                                                                                                      • a similar thing happened

                                                                                                                        when I was making fly on the wall documentaries.

                                                                                                                        restlessboy @moker | 23 Feb '06, 10:17 | X
                                                                                                                        • I once announced my intention

                                                                                                                          to make the world's biggest and most durable cake.

                                                                                                                          but I couldn't cut it.

                                                                                                                          restlessboy @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 10:21 | X
                                                                                                                          • I was once a chef

                                                                                                                            but I couldn't stand the heat so I got out of the kitchen.

                                                                                                                            :(

                                                                                                                            moker @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 10:22 | X
                                                                                                                            • I used to be one of Satan's minions

                                                                                                                              but I quit as work was just hell.

                                                                                                                              moker @moker | 23 Feb '06, 10:23 | X
                                                                                                                              • In my last job my boss poked my eyes out

                                                                                                                                I swore blind I'd get revenge on him.

                                                                                                                                colonol_k @moker | 23 Feb '06, 10:40 | X
                                                                                                                              • I was once employed at minimum wage

                                                                                                                                to type out the entire works of shakespeare.

                                                                                                                                I couldn't do it because I was of a simian nature.

                                                                                                                                Still, if you pay peanuts you get monkeys.

                                                                                                                                restlessboy @moker | 23 Feb '06, 10:40 | X
                                                                                                                                • One time my boss kept pushing the front door because it was stuck

                                                                                                                                  In the end I told him to shove it.

                                                                                                                                  colonol_k @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 10:44 | X
                                                                                                                                  • I used to work for auditing at Heinz

                                                                                                                                    but I hated it, bloody bean counters.

                                                                                                                                    restlessboy @colonol_k | 23 Feb '06, 10:45 | X
                                                                                                                                    • I used to be a Dungeoneer

                                                                                                                                      but it was a Knightmare.

                                                                                                                                      restlessboy @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 11:43 | X
                                                                                                                                      • Jesus... I can nay get over this thread..

                                                                                                                                        Let's see how long we can keep it going... Epic thread...

                                                                                                                                        Rose-Kitten @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 12:12 | X
                                                                                                                • I had a psychic boyfriend... but he left me before we met...

                                                                                                                  boom boom.

                                                                                                                  Rose-Kitten | 23 Feb '06, 12:14 | X
                                                                                                                  • I used to be a postman

                                                                                                                    before that I was a preman.

                                                                                                                    restlessboy @Rose-Kitten | 23 Feb '06, 12:28 | X
                                                                                                                    • I used to try

                                                                                                                      and get people to invest in my idea of a safe that doesn't have a door.

                                                                                                                      But there was no money in it

                                                                                                                      Judge_B @Ai3bot | 23 Feb '06, 13:02 | X
                                                                                                                      • I wanted to start a tourism company

                                                                                                                        called 'Visit any part of England other than London!'

                                                                                                                        but we didn't have the capital.

                                                                                                                        restlessboy @Judge_B | 23 Feb '06, 13:08 | X
                                                                                                                        • I had a chair-making business

                                                                                                                          but it died on its arse.

                                                                                                                          colonol_k @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 13:10 | X
                                                                                                                          • I used to be a feminist

                                                                                                                            but then I got a shag

                                                                                                                            ex_cynic @colonol_k | 23 Feb '06, 13:13 | X
                                                                                                                            • Wuh???

                                                                                                                              That's not a joke! That's real, innit?

                                                                                                                              Rose-Kitten @ex_cynic | 23 Feb '06, 13:15 | X
                                                                                                                          • I had an idea

                                                                                                                            that involved allowing people to set up stalls and sell stuff, but the stalls would be made of a soufflé that I'd made with the oven door open.

                                                                                                                            Of course, the market fell flat

                                                                                                                            Judge_B @colonol_k | 23 Feb '06, 13:15 | X
                                                                                                                            • I used to run an agency for midgets

                                                                                                                              but profits came up short.

                                                                                                                              colonol_k @Judge_B | 23 Feb '06, 13:21 | X
                                                                                                                              • I invented a car

                                                                                                                                that you didn't have to drive, you just sat there and it did everything for you. I only ever drove it once, on the world's largest oval racetrack.

                                                                                                                                Eventually, it drove me round the bend

                                                                                                                                Judge_B @colonol_k | 23 Feb '06, 13:24 | X
                                                                                                                                • Similarly, I had a car which automatically transported fruit

                                                                                                                                  It drove me bananas.

                                                                                                                                  colonol_k @Judge_B | 23 Feb '06, 13:26 | X
                                                                                                                                  • That self same car

                                                                                                                                    would also drive people into European rivers.

                                                                                                                                    It drove them in Seine

                                                                                                                                    Judge_B @colonol_k | 23 Feb '06, 13:29 | X
                                                                                                                                  • I used to run a slinky spring business

                                                                                                                                    but it spiralled out of control

                                                                                                                                    Miserabli @colonol_k | 23 Feb '06, 13:29 | X
                                                                                                                                    • I also had a car with an onboard toilet

                                                                                                                                      it drove me potty

                                                                                                                                      Miserabli @Miserabli | 23 Feb '06, 13:32 | X
                                                                                                                                    • My friends and I,

                                                                                                                                      with the company that we had, found that we got a lot more done if we dressed as Tunderbirds puppets. I put some glasses on and did all of the scientific stuff.

                                                                                                                                      I was the Brains of the outfit

                                                                                                                                      Judge_B @Miserabli | 23 Feb '06, 13:32 | X
                                                                                                                                      • I used to want to be an investment banker

                                                                                                                                        but then I realised it rhymed with 'fucking wanker'.

                                                                                                                                        restlessboy @Judge_B | 23 Feb '06, 13:55 | X
                                                                                                                                        • I used to council people with A.D.D

                                                                                                                                          but I got bored of it.

                                                                                                                                          moker @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 13:58 | X
                                                                                                                                          • you should have said

                                                                                                                                            'but I got bored of it after about five minutes'

                                                                                                                                            restlessboy @moker | 23 Feb '06, 13:59 | X
                                                                                                                                        • I used to stand in the window of clothes shops

                                                                                                                                          wearing their latest products to promote them to passers by.

                                                                                                                                          But that's for dummies.

                                                                                                                                          restlessboy @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 13:58 | X
                                                                                                                                          • I once had a job

                                                                                                                                            where my salary actually dictated what I did. When I got up, where I went, who I saw etc.

                                                                                                                                            I gave that up though, I didn't want to be a slave to the wage

                                                                                                                                            Judge_B @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 14:01 | X
                                                                                                                    • I used to be a beekeeper

                                                                                                                      but some competitors stole my business.

                                                                                                                      I really got stung there.

                                                                                                                      restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 14:05 | X
                                                                                                                      • I used to slice cheese

                                                                                                                        then I decided that was the thin end of the wedge

                                                                                                                        Slicky @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 14:08 | X
                                                                                                                        • I had a job selling warm winter coats

                                                                                                                          but my suppliers kept fleecing me.

                                                                                                                          colonol_k @Slicky | 23 Feb '06, 14:14 | X
                                                                                                                          • I used to sell

                                                                                                                            extra mature sweetbreads.

                                                                                                                            But it was a load of old bollocks.

                                                                                                                            restlessboy @colonol_k | 23 Feb '06, 14:40 | X
                                                                                                                            • I used to get paid to test out dialasis machines

                                                                                                                              but then I realised I was getting this piss taken out of me

                                                                                                                              moker @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 14:44 | X
                                                                                                                              • I thought a way to succeed

                                                                                                                                would be to join an existing window cleaning company and climb the ladder.

                                                                                                                                restlessboy @moker | 23 Feb '06, 14:48 | X
                                                                                                                                • I tried to scale the heights

                                                                                                                                  by making accurate models of mountain ranges.

                                                                                                                                  colonol_k @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 14:50 | X
                                                                                                                                  • I used to own a clothes shop

                                                                                                                                    But it didn't suit me

                                                                                                                                    Parsefone @colonol_k | 23 Feb '06, 14:54 | X
                                                                                                                                    • I once thought I could quit working

                                                                                                                                      and gain all my sustenance by stealing from strangers in cafes.

                                                                                                                                      But it wasn't my cup of tea.

                                                                                                                                      restlessboy @Parsefone | 23 Feb '06, 14:56 | X
                                                                                                                                      • That's funny

                                                                                                                                        I thought I'd see if I could make my fotune by answering a telephone that belonged to someone else.

                                                                                                                                        It just wasn't for me

                                                                                                                                        Judge_B @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 14:57 | X
                                                                                                                                        • it reminds me of the time

                                                                                                                                          I considered opening up an opticians.

                                                                                                                                          But I had no eye for that sort of thing.

                                                                                                                                          Parsefone @Judge_B | 23 Feb '06, 15:00 | X
                                                                                                                                          • I tried to set up a business for

                                                                                                                                            groups of Englishmen, Irishmen and Scotsmen but it turned out to be a joke.

                                                                                                                                            moker @Parsefone | 23 Feb '06, 15:03 | X
                                                                                                                                            • please stop!

                                                                                                                                              adding to this....oh

                                                                                                                                              meths @moker | 23 Feb '06, 15:04 | X
                                                                                                                                            • I was once a knackers yard salesman

                                                                                                                                              but I was flogging a dead horse

                                                                                                                                              Miserabli @moker | 23 Feb '06, 15:05 | X
                                                                                                                                              • I owned a company

                                                                                                                                                that made novelty gay sex toys.

                                                                                                                                                But I sold it after I found my investors were playing silly buggers.

                                                                                                                                                Parsefone @Miserabli | 23 Feb '06, 15:07 | X
                                                                                                                                                • I used to post on this thread all the time...

                                                                                                                                                  But someone said I was the worst :-(

                                                                                                                                                  You've made me cry now...

                                                                                                                                                  tom_from_sparks @Parsefone | 23 Feb '06, 15:09 | X
                                                                                                                                                  • aw

                                                                                                                                                    poor tom_from_sparks.

                                                                                                                                                    it was hollywood_freak. I'll give him a row when I see him...

                                                                                                                                                    restlessboy @tom_from_sparks | 23 Feb '06, 15:11 | X
                                                                                                                                              • I tried to get a Government sponsorship

                                                                                                                                                that would allow me to stay at home all day. I thought I'd get up about 2pm, maybe watch some telly. Eat some instant noodles, muck about the internet. I certainly didn't have any plans on looking for a job.

                                                                                                                                                As they rightly pointed out, I'd just be wasting my time

                                                                                                                                                Judge_B @Miserabli | 23 Feb '06, 15:08 | X
                                                                                                                                                • The company I work for

                                                                                                                                                  is based in a hole in the ground.

                                                                                                                                                  I just fell into it really.

                                                                                                                                                  colonol_k @Judge_B | 23 Feb '06, 15:09 | X
                                                                                                                                                  • I started a chimney company

                                                                                                                                                    the profits went through the roof.

                                                                                                                                                    restlessboy @colonol_k | 23 Feb '06, 15:12 | X
                                                                                                                                                  • I came up with a product,

                                                                                                                                                    sold it for millions, and moved to Monaco for tax relief reasons, all in the space of 8 seconds.

                                                                                                                                                    I was an instant success

                                                                                                                                                    Judge_B @colonol_k | 23 Feb '06, 15:13 | X
                                                                                                                                                  • A mate and I started a studio to make pictures of different sized drinking aids.

                                                                                                                                                    Turns out I drew the short straw.

                                                                                                                                                    bobbygeorge @colonol_k | 23 Feb '06, 15:14 | X
                                                                                                                                                    • At a recent job interview

                                                                                                                                                      they took a photo of me and blew it up to life size, and said that they would decide the winning candidate by punching their picture out in to a cardboard model that would stand at the front of the building.

                                                                                                                                                      I didn't get it, though.

                                                                                                                                                      I wasn't cut out for it

                                                                                                                                                      Judge_B @bobbygeorge | 23 Feb '06, 15:18 | X
                                                                                                                                                      • I used to have unprotected sex with multiple strangers

                                                                                                                                                        but then I got syphilis.

                                                                                                                                                        ex_cynic @Judge_B | 23 Feb '06, 15:21 | X
                                                                                                                                                  • i used to work in a zoo,

                                                                                                                                                    it was a nice job for a while. i enjoyed looking after the elephants and the lions, directing the visitors to the whereabouts of the seals and sealions, seeing the happy faces of all the children as they watched, with faces full of glee, the meercats playing and the tigers prowling. i was so good at my job they promoted me, to head zookeeper of those animals closest to us. The Monkeys! powerful groillas and cheeky chimpanzees, what simian sights i would see!
                                                                                                                                                    but it was a disaster which would end my happy time as a zookeeper.
                                                                                                                                                    it drove me bannanas!!!
                                                                                                                                                    BOOM BOOM!

                                                                                                                                                    chris-budget @colonol_k | 23 Feb '06, 15:22 | X
                                                                                                                                                    • I used to put pictures up in a gallery

                                                                                                                                                      but I couldn't get the hang of it

                                                                                                                                                      Miserabli @hollywood_freak | 23 Feb '06, 15:29 | X
                                                                                                                                                    • I used to own a sieve making factory...

                                                                                                                                                      But my business plan had too many holes in it.

                                                                                                                                                      tom_from_sparks @hollywood_freak | 23 Feb '06, 15:30 | X
                                                                                                                                                      • i used to test beds for a living

                                                                                                                                                        work was pretty easy... i could do it in my sleep

                                                                                                                                                        chris-budget @tom_from_sparks | 23 Feb '06, 15:31 | X
                                                                                                                                                      • I invented a

                                                                                                                                                        device that would automatically rescue you if you got stuck up a tree.

                                                                                                                                                        It really got me down

                                                                                                                                                        Judge_B @tom_from_sparks | 23 Feb '06, 15:32 | X
                                                                                                                                                        • I used to own a company that made bath products

                                                                                                                                                          but the bubble burst

                                                                                                                                                          Parsefone @Judge_B | 23 Feb '06, 15:34 | X
                                                                                                                                                          • me and another hirsute mate used to test these new velcro style mattresses

                                                                                                                                                            but we found it difficult to get out of bed in the morning.

                                                                                                                                                            bobbygeorge @Parsefone | 23 Feb '06, 15:36 | X
                                                                                                                                                          • I used to own a company whcih made slides

                                                                                                                                                            But it was a slippery slope into debt.

                                                                                                                                                            tom_from_sparks @Parsefone | 23 Feb '06, 15:37 | X
                                                                                                                                                        • I once got the sack from

                                                                                                                                                          a trampoline factory.

                                                                                                                                                          I soon bounced back.

                                                                                                                                                          restlessboy @Judge_B | 23 Feb '06, 15:36 | X
                                                                                                                                                        • I had

                                                                                                                                                          some money that had a bit of a reputation, it was always getting in fights or mugging old ladies, that sort of thing. I decided that the best way to get rid of it was put it in to a catapult.

                                                                                                                                                          I had some really nice money as well, though. It used to go and get shopping for old people, or help out down at the soup kitchen. I was bored of it though, so I put that in the catapult immediately after the first lot of money.

                                                                                                                                                          I couldn't help but feel that I was just throwing good money after bad, though

                                                                                                                                                          Judge_B @Judge_B | 23 Feb '06, 15:37 | X
                                                                                                                                                          • I hung a sign on my office door that said 'do not disturb'

                                                                                                                                                            I also put on a pair of headphones and ignored anyone who spoke to me.

                                                                                                                                                            By the end, I just couldn't be bothered.

                                                                                                                                                            colonol_k @Judge_B | 23 Feb '06, 15:39 | X
                                                                                                                                                            • I went to see a medium once

                                                                                                                                                              but my life story really upset him.

                                                                                                                                                              It was a crying shaman.

                                                                                                                                                              Miserabli @colonol_k | 23 Feb '06, 15:44 | X
                                                                                                                                                              • I used to own a company selling primates.

                                                                                                                                                                But someone told me it was just monkey business.

                                                                                                                                                                tom_from_sparks @Miserabli | 23 Feb '06, 15:47 | X
                                                                                                                                                                • I used to run a gynaecology clinic

                                                                                                                                                                  but I got fed up of working with c..... abandon reply!

                                                                                                                                                                  bobbygeorge @tom_from_sparks | 23 Feb '06, 15:51 | X
                                                                                                                                                    • I used to be a TV repairman

                                                                                                                                                      who wasn't very forthcoming about details.

                                                                                                                                                      you get the picture.

                                                                                                                                                      restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 16:12 | X
                                                                                                                                                      • I was once employed

                                                                                                                                                        to test the external strength of houses using just my cranium.

                                                                                                                                                        At times, it was like banging my head against a brick wall

                                                                                                                                                        Judge_B @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 16:15 | X
                                                                                                                                                        • At one job i had I was sent out

                                                                                                                                                          to buy big shoes, trousers that you could pour custard into, a car where all the doors fell off, a big honky horn, lots of makeup and balloon animals.

                                                                                                                                                          It was a fool's errand.

                                                                                                                                                          restlessboy @Judge_B | 23 Feb '06, 16:18 | X
                                                                                                                                                          • I once worked for Ordnance Survey

                                                                                                                                                            but I didn't know where I was going with it

                                                                                                                                                            Parsefone @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 16:19 | X
                                                                                                                                                            • I briefly worked as a cosmetic dentist

                                                                                                                                                              but I wasn't particularly enamelled of it.

                                                                                                                                                              restlessboy @Parsefone | 23 Feb '06, 16:23 | X
                                                                                                                                                              • I used to carry around advertising boards for a company

                                                                                                                                                                but I quit last month.

                                                                                                                                                                It was a weight off my shoulders.

                                                                                                                                                                moker @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 16:31 | X
                                                                                                                                                                • I used to work so hard as an acrobat in the circus

                                                                                                                                                                  they had me jumping through hoops.

                                                                                                                                                                  moker @moker | 23 Feb '06, 16:33 | X
                                                                                                                                                                  • I worked as a designer for a variation of Monopoly

                                                                                                                                                                    for household crockery.

                                                                                                                                                                    It was a mug's game

                                                                                                                                                                    moker @moker | 23 Feb '06, 16:36 | X
                                                                                                                                                                    • I used to design spinning toys for children

                                                                                                                                                                      it was top.

                                                                                                                                                                      restlessboy @moker | 23 Feb '06, 16:37 | X
                                                                                                                                                                    • I used to own a factory which made boats.

                                                                                                                                                                      But it was impossible to stay afloat.

                                                                                                                                                                      tom_from_sparks @moker | 23 Feb '06, 16:38 | X
                                                                                                                                                                      • I worked for a thesaurus concentrating on the word emense

                                                                                                                                                                        it was great.

                                                                                                                                                                        moker @tom_from_sparks | 23 Feb '06, 16:42 | X
                                                                                                                                                                        • I worked for a company

                                                                                                                                                                          that made extremely powerful lights.

                                                                                                                                                                          it was brilliant.

                                                                                                                                                                          restlessboy @moker | 23 Feb '06, 16:45 | X
                                                                                                                                                                          • I used to get paid to test optical drops

                                                                                                                                                                            it really opened by eyes.

                                                                                                                                                                            moker @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 16:48 | X
                                                                                                                                                                            • I used to help pirates

                                                                                                                                                                              illegally importing alcohol.

                                                                                                                                                                              I got a rum deal.

                                                                                                                                                                              restlessboy @moker | 23 Feb '06, 16:56 | X
                                                                                                                                                                              • I used to help Donkey Kong throw things at Italian plumbers.

                                                                                                                                                                                It was a barrel of laughs.

                                                                                                                                                                                tom_from_sparks @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 16:58 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                • ARF!

                                                                                                                                                                                  thommo @tom_from_sparks | 24 Feb '06, 02:58 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                  • maybe you should have

                                                                                                                                                                                    invested in dictionaries too.

                                                                                                                                                                                    Parsefone @moker | 23 Feb '06, 16:58 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                    • this to moker

                                                                                                                                                                                      Parsefone @Parsefone | 23 Feb '06, 16:58 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                      • That reminds me

                                                                                                                                                                                        of when I ran a course helping people express themselves better.

                                                                                                                                                                                        It was a bit... 'you know'. Kind of... erm... whatdyercallit.

                                                                                                                                                                                        restlessboy @Parsefone | 23 Feb '06, 17:06 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                        • Or the time i worked for MI5

                                                                                                                                                                                          that was really ####### ### # ### ## #### ### ###, #### #### ## Colin Roberts ##### ### ## #### ###### ##### conspiracy to ###### #### ######## John Brainlove ##### ### #### # ####### pigeon.

                                                                                                                                                                                          restlessboy @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 17:18 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                          • at one time I wanted to be a shepherd

                                                                                                                                                                                            but I couldn't get the staff.

                                                                                                                                                                                            Miserabli @restlessboy | 23 Feb '06, 17:42 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                            • I was an undertaker for a while

                                                                                                                                                                                              now that's a dead end job.

                                                                                                                                                                                              restlessboy @Miserabli | 23 Feb '06, 20:00 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                              • i used to be Edward Scissorhand's personal assistant

                                                                                                                                                                                                but i left when he cut my wages.

                                                                                                                                                                                                thommo @hollywood_freak | 24 Feb '06, 00:44 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                • there is only 1 president who didn't blame the former administration for the countries problems

                                                                                                                                                                                                  george washington

                                                                                                                                                                                                  retro_punkman @thommo | 24 Feb '06, 05:38 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                  • I used to have an open mind but my brain kept falling out

                                                                                                                                                                                                    Rose-Kitten @retro_punkman | 24 Feb '06, 12:01 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                    • I worked for a surreal deisgn company

                                                                                                                                                                                                      but I gave up becuase 44 envelop face.

                                                                                                                                                                                                      moker @Rose-Kitten | 24 Feb '06, 12:03 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                      • I tried sniffing Coke once but the ice cubes got stuck to my nose

                                                                                                                                                                                                        Rose-Kitten @moker | 24 Feb '06, 12:05 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                        • I used to imagine

                                                                                                                                                                                                          that when I was at work I was dressed as a giant Edam.

                                                                                                                                                                                                          I used to think I was the big cheese

                                                                                                                                                                                                          Judge_B @Rose-Kitten | 24 Feb '06, 12:07 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                        • I own a lightbulb factory

                                                                                                                                                                                                          I'm such a bright spark

                                                                                                                                                                                                          tom_from_sparks @Rose-Kitten | 24 Feb '06, 12:08 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                          • you'll burn out eventually

                                                                                                                                                                                                            Parsefone @tom_from_sparks | 24 Feb '06, 12:13 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                          • I poured SPOT remover on my dog.

                                                                                                                                                                                                            Now he's gone.

                                                                                                                                                                                                            /Arf!

                                                                                                                                                                                                            Rose-Kitten | 24 Feb '06, 12:25 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                            • As they say at the Family Planning Clinics

                                                                                                                                                                                                              Better late than never....

                                                                                                                                                                                                              Rose-Kitten @22_grand_job | 24 Feb '06, 12:28 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                              • Excuses are like bottoms... everyone has one and they all stink

                                                                                                                                                                                                                Rose-Kitten @Rose-Kitten | 24 Feb '06, 12:31 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                • I used to work as an international translator but

                                                                                                                                                                                                                  esta broma no tiene ningún punchline así que no incomoda el traducir de él

                                                                                                                                                                                                                  moker @Rose-Kitten | 24 Feb '06, 12:35 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    boom boom

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Rose-Kitten @moker | 24 Feb '06, 12:39 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • I used to want to be a really fat actor

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      it was a stage I was going through.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      restlessboy @Rose-Kitten | 26 Feb '06, 19:30 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      • I had a job once

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        that was a really long way away and they insisted I had to punch the road every ten paces.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        It was a bit too far off the beaten track.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        restlessboy @restlessboy | 27 Feb '06, 09:48 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                        • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder

                                                                                                                                                                                                                          (boom boom)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Rose-Kitten @restlessboy | 27 Feb '06, 13:04 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                          • 300 posts

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            oh dear.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            moker @Rose-Kitten | 27 Feb '06, 13:21 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                            • I used to try and get my boss to like me

                                                                                                                                                                                                              by making him Chicken Tikka Massalas, Dansaks, and Vindaloos.

                                                                                                                                                                                                              I was just trying to curry favour.

                                                                                                                                                                                                              restlessboy | 27 Feb '06, 13:25 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                              • Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                Rose-Kitten @restlessboy | 27 Feb '06, 13:30 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                • Sting once offered to employ me

                                                                                                                                                                                                                  to wave my hands around him to cool him down. But I declined.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I'm not a fan.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                  restlessboy @Rose-Kitten | 27 Feb '06, 13:54 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • I used to work in an egg factory

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    But I just couldn't crack it

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Slicky @restlessboy | 27 Feb '06, 14:16 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • I used to work in a seafood factory

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    taking cash from the customers and putting it into my bosses account.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I gave it up because it was all a bit fishy.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    FUCKING AWFUL

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    moker @restlessboy | 27 Feb '06, 14:17 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • I've applied for a job as a pilot

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      I've no experience. I'll just have to wing it.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      restlessboy @moker | 27 Feb '06, 14:19 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      • How do you tell when you have run out of invisible ink?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Rose-Kitten @restlessboy | 27 Feb '06, 14:22 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                        • I quit my job as a transvestite

                                                                                                                                                                                                                          it was a drag.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                          restlessboy @Rose-Kitten | 27 Feb '06, 14:23 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                          • I quit my job in a coffeeshop

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            I was tired of the same old grind

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Slicky @restlessboy | 27 Feb '06, 14:24 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            • I quit my job as an exorcist

                                                                                                                                                                                                                              it was soul destroying.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                              restlessboy @Slicky | 27 Feb '06, 14:31 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                              • I had a job as a profession snakes and ladders player

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                but one day my career fell apart when I landed on a really big snake.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Back to square one eh?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                moker @restlessboy | 27 Feb '06, 14:33 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                • I was going to try and find my fortune

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  in crisp manufacturing.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I thought I'd make a packet.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  restlessboy @moker | 27 Feb '06, 14:54 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • My last job

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    involved eating undercooked chicken and staying awake all night.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I soon grew sick and tired of that

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Judge_B @restlessboy | 27 Feb '06, 14:56 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • Once I was a joiner

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      but then I quit.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      restlessboy @Judge_B | 27 Feb '06, 16:32 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      • 'What do you call a woman with 3 pints of Beer on her head and a snooker cue

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Beertrix Potter

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Rose-Kitten @restlessboy | 27 Feb '06, 16:42 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        • Used to own a paper shop but it blew away

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          (sorry)...

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Rose-Kitten @Rose-Kitten | 28 Feb '06, 10:01 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          • Don't apologise

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            I used to do that all the time. I had to stop I was in such a sorry state.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Slicky @Rose-Kitten | 28 Feb '06, 10:57 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            • I used to write plots for ITV

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              but then

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Parsefone @Slicky | 28 Feb '06, 10:58 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              • That's a bit like me

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I have no staying power in any job. I have a real problem with the word commtitmnet.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                restlessboy @Parsefone | 28 Feb '06, 11:06 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                            • I spent some time

                                                                                                                                                                                                              volunteering as a tree doctor.

                                                                                                                                                                                                              call me a sap.

                                                                                                                                                                                                              restlessboy | 28 Feb '06, 11:12 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                              • Sap

                                                                                                                                                                                                                Rose-Kitten @restlessboy | 28 Feb '06, 11:16 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                • then there was those

                                                                                                                                                                                                                  who said that I was bark-ing.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                  restlessboy @Rose-Kitten | 28 Feb '06, 11:27 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • Barking Mad. Woof Woof.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Rose-Kitten @restlessboy | 28 Feb '06, 11:30 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • Longish joke

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      An English Lesson

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the Measles
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      and my Mum said it was contagious."

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      "Well done, Roland" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      a bug going round, and it's contagious."

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Little Irish Patrick jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice, "Our next
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      door neighbour is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      says it will take the contagious".

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Rose-Kitten @Rose-Kitten | 28 Feb '06, 11:37 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • My turf business went tits up

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Sod's Law I suppose

                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Miserabli @Rose-Kitten | 28 Feb '06, 11:38 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      • I used to be a right layabout and bum

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        but then I got my act together. Now I'm a student.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                        ex_cynic @Miserabli | 28 Feb '06, 11:47 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                        • I used to have an informal deal with the London Paladium

                                                                                                                                                                                                                          playing Pinocio for £50 a hour. No strings attached.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                          moker @ex_cynic | 28 Feb '06, 12:11 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                          • I also used to own a balloon factory

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            It didn't really get off the ground

                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Parsefone @moker | 28 Feb '06, 12:14 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            • I used to be an executioner

                                                                                                                                                                                                                              I couldn't get the hang of it.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                              restlessboy @Parsefone | 28 Feb '06, 12:24 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                              • It went bust

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Rose-Kitten @Parsefone | 28 Feb '06, 12:27 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                • sadly,

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  yes :P

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  thommo @hollywood_freak | 28 Feb '06, 14:15 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • I once had a job

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    removing the bottom of shoes.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    It was a sole-less task.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    restlessboy @thommo | 28 Feb '06, 14:18 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • i was once the CEO of a water company

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      but we went in to liquidation

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      HeartbrokenStar @restlessboy | 28 Feb '06, 14:20 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      • I was once a traffic warden

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        I had a fine time.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        restlessboy @HeartbrokenStar | 28 Feb '06, 16:26 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        • i used to have a job making sure the sperm receptacle thingy

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          didn't fall off the bull's penis when trying to get sperm for artificial insemination purposes.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          But I quit because my boss was a wanker.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          ex_cynic @restlessboy | 28 Feb '06, 17:34 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          • I once worked in a manure factory

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            where we were given product not money for our work.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            so yes the pay was shit.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            restlessboy @ex_cynic | 1 Mar '06, 11:31 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            • I had a list of jobs that I've always wanted to do

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              and right at the bottom of the list was 'bird flu vaccine tester'.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Then I got a letter telling me that I was to become a test patient for the bird flu vaccine.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              It was the last thing I wanted to do

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Judge_B @restlessboy | 1 Mar '06, 11:34 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              • I used to have a job designing playgrounds

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                then I moved onto these parks.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                It was all swings and roundabouts really

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Slicky @Judge_B | 1 Mar '06, 11:37 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                • *theme parks

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Slicky @Slicky | 1 Mar '06, 11:38 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • I had a job

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    removing yeast residue from wooden receptacles involved in the brewing of beer.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Actually these jokes are really scraping the bottom of the barrel now aren't they?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    ^^^^postmodern

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    restlessboy @Slicky | 1 Mar '06, 11:41 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • I had a job

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      polishing the same jokes over and over again.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      The jokes really started wearing thin

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Judge_B @restlessboy | 1 Mar '06, 11:43 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • I used to have a job as a male escort

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      but I quit because I was tired of fucking ugly women.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      ex_cynic @restlessboy | 1 Mar '06, 11:43 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      • I used to do traffic light maintenance

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        testing the bulbs inside the green man.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        But it kept making me cross.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        restlessboy @ex_cynic | 1 Mar '06, 14:54 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        • [Oh bless you keeping this thread moving]

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          not a joke.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Rose-Kitten @restlessboy | 1 Mar '06, 14:57 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          • I used to work in a clock factory

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            but then one of the main production lines developed a malfunction and we had to throw thousands of models away.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            It was such a waste of time

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Parsefone @Rose-Kitten | 1 Mar '06, 15:01 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            • I used to work in a factory

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              that made various different geometric shapes.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              But then one of them went out of control and attacked some of my co-workers.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              It was a vicious circle.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              restlessboy @Parsefone | 1 Mar '06, 15:04 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              • I used to work in a mill

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Making ornamental woven rugs from human veins, sinew, hair and muscle.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                We called it the rich tapestry of life

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Slicky @restlessboy | 1 Mar '06, 15:13 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                • I was once a policeman

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  but I decided to have arrest.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  restlessboy @Slicky | 1 Mar '06, 15:16 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                • I used to be a dog walker

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  but it wasn't leading anywhere.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  restlessboy | 3 Mar '06, 15:37 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • Blows you a kiss which will reach you tomorrow

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    ... nice.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Rose-Kitten @restlessboy | 3 Mar '06, 15:38 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • That reminds me of when

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      I used to own a motel. But loads of kids wearing black used to come and stay there and they'd just go their rooms and cry.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      So we rebranded as an emotel.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      restlessboy @Rose-Kitten | 3 Mar '06, 15:40 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • I used to be the designer for cul-de-sacs

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    but it was a dead end job.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    moker @restlessboy | 3 Mar '06, 15:40 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • I used to design planetariums

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      but got too starry eyed

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Slicky @moker | 11 Oct '06, 16:45 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      • I used to design a ridiculously hot potato

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        but I couldn't handle it.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        bobbygeorge @Slicky | 11 Oct '06, 16:48 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        • I used to have a sieve-like bag to carry people around in

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          but I dropped out.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          bobbygeorge @zxcvbnm | 11 Oct '06, 16:53 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          • I used to eat 100 lemons a day

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            but it just made me bitter

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Slicky @bobbygeorge | 11 Oct '06, 16:56 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            • I used to build houses for people who misplace their possessions

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              but I lost the plot.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              bobbygeorge @Slicky | 11 Oct '06, 16:57 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              • I used to test out tripwire

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                but I fell flat on my face.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                bobbygeorge @zxcvbnm | 11 Oct '06, 17:37 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                • I used to kill super tall vampires

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  but the stakes got too high

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Slicky @bobbygeorge | 22 Aug '11, 15:47 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              • 'What do you call a man with 3 planks of wood on his head...

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Ed Wood Wood Wood

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Rose-Kitten | 3 Mar '06, 15:40 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                • none of yours

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  are job-related.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  restlessboy @Rose-Kitten | 3 Mar '06, 15:43 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • I used to play guitar for Oasis

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    it was shit

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    chiaroscuro @restlessboy | 3 Mar '06, 15:47 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • I started the thread, I can do whatever I want

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Rose-Kitten @restlessboy | 3 Mar '06, 15:48 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • I used to work for London Dungeon and

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    dress up as an evil dictator and act all menacing to the public who didn't listen to the guides

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    But I gave it up as I didn't want to be a petty Hitler.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    moker @restlessboy | 3 Mar '06, 15:49 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • I created a company selling pitches that allowed you to pan for gold in west Berkshire.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      If I'm honest, it didn't have any prospects

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Judge_B @moker | 3 Mar '06, 15:53 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              • I used to work in a mattress warehouse

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                But so well-made were they, I couldn't stop lying on them and dozing off before my shift was over.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                So I took early retirement

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Parsefone | 3 Mar '06, 16:36 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                • I used to be an ice cream man

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  but I melted.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  restlessboy @Parsefone | 3 Mar '06, 16:37 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • I thought about writing a book

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    detailing how there would be nothing more to come after now, right this very second. Nothing more would happen, everything would seize like an old rusty engine. 'There will be no more after right now', it would have said.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I decided there was no future in it

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Judge_B @restlessboy | 3 Mar '06, 16:41 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • I used to use my charm to pull random girls and live off them

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    but then I became a vegetarian.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    ex_cynic @restlessboy | 3 Mar '06, 16:42 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              • After my previous successes

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I went into chocolate manufacturing in the tallest factory in the world.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                i set the bar quite high.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                restlessboy | 6 Mar '06, 13:32 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                • I used to work

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  for a French butchers, but I couldn't really get into it.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Horses for courses I suppose.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Parsefone @restlessboy | 6 Mar '06, 13:45 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Rose-Kitten @Parsefone | 22 Mar '06, 12:55 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              • I once went to Venice

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I didn't like it because it's always flooded.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Johnny_Cashew | 22 Mar '06, 13:44 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              • this

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                was a classic.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Heliotrope | 11 Oct '06, 16:50 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                • it's the kind of thread that made me start posting

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  IndieAndy_Jones @Heliotrope | 11 Oct '06, 16:54 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • i used to have a job where kids would dress me up and put paint on my face

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    but they made a clown of me.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    team_cooper @IndieAndy_Jones | 11 Oct '06, 17:35 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                • i used to be the pope

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  but it was just a load of bull

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  ex_cynic @Heliotrope | 11 Oct '06, 16:57 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                • holy shit i was funny

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  alcxxk @Heliotrope | 11 Oct '06, 17:44 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • you were

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    but restlessboy was arguably the king of this thread.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    ex_cynic @alcxxk | 11 Oct '06, 18:15 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • I used

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      to work with a pervy librarian,

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      he got sacked for fiddling the books.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      I_Have_An_Idea @ex_cynic | 11 Oct '06, 18:56 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      • nice adaptation of the 'i used to be' framework

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        hang on, it was you, wasn't it? WASN'T IT?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        ex_cynic @I_Have_An_Idea | 11 Oct '06, 19:24 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        • *shamed*

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          I_Have_An_Idea @ex_cynic | 11 Oct '06, 19:35 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          • i used to be an electronic espionage agent

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            but i couldn't hack it

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            ex_cynic @I_Have_An_Idea | 11 Oct '06, 19:37 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            • I used to make jokes

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              thewarn @ex_cynic | 11 Oct '06, 19:39 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              • Then

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I lost my tongue in a horrific knitting accident...it was wooly wooly painful.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I_Have_An_Idea @thewarn | 11 Oct '06, 20:26 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                • i used to be a kid

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  but then i found that all my peers were morons who hadn't mayured past their 6th year, so i tried using human growth hormone to escape the bonds of hcildhod and ended up going to the hospitle ona vegitative state and have remained that way for soem time. too far?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  retro_punkman @I_Have_An_Idea | 11 Oct '06, 21:26 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • sorry

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    correcting spelling mistakes:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    matured
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    childhood
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    in a
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    some

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    retro_punkman @retro_punkman | 11 Oct '06, 21:27 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              • I used to sell fake breasts and blonde wigs to men

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                it was a bit of a drag

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Parsefone @parttimegoddess | 12 Oct '06, 02:54 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                • i used to tune pianos for a living

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  but one day one of the wires snapped and severed my hand

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  retro_punkman @Parsefone | 12 Oct '06, 02:59 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • .

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    I used to own a company which gave out nautical transport to deserving individuals: steamers, yachts, you name it, we gifted them out to all sorts.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Not surprisingly, it went into receiv-er-ship

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Parsefone @retro_punkman | 12 Oct '06, 03:08 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • i used to have a job on a fisting website

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      but then i got the elbow.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      MyOtherCarsAJag @hollywood_freak | 12 Oct '06, 12:09 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      • i used to work as a coffin-bearer

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        but eventually i got carried away

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        MyOtherCarsAJag @MyOtherCarsAJag | 12 Oct '06, 12:21 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        • i used to work for a fraudulent double-glazing company

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          but i saw through them.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          MyOtherCarsAJag @MyOtherCarsAJag | 12 Oct '06, 12:22 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          • i used to sell two-legged tripods

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            but i couldn't stand it.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            MyOtherCarsAJag @MyOtherCarsAJag | 12 Oct '06, 12:26 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            • i used to work in a fish & chip shop

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              but i couldn't stand the plaice.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              MyOtherCarsAJag @MyOtherCarsAJag | 12 Oct '06, 12:28 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              • i used to be a naked jewish impersonator

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                but i'm a complete cock.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                MyOtherCarsAJag @MyOtherCarsAJag | 12 Oct '06, 12:30 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • I used to work for the conservative party

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      I once disastrously encouraged them to use the laughter of parrots to keep people's attention during their speeches.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      It was Polly Tickle Suicide.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      restlessboy | 6 Nov '06, 23:38 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • Bring back Judge_B!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Royter-Hatfood | 4 Apr '08, 13:56 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      • Oh god, I was googling for this thread only

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        YESTERDAY and couldn't find it.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Spooky.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        I know - I miss Judge B.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Rose-Kitten @Royter-Hatfood | 4 Apr '08, 14:01 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        • I used to be a female senior executive in a company which made lifts for modern skyscrapers

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          but I hit the glass ceiling

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          ex_cynic @Rose-Kitten | 4 Apr '08, 19:51 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          • i used to have a job

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            stockpiling bodyparts cyrogenically for a futuristic black-market limb-harvesting organisation, until i got the cold shoulder

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Jordan_229_2 @ex_cynic | 2 Jun '08, 15:11 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        • ^^

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          same again.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Rose-Kitten @Rose-Kitten | 2 Jun '08, 16:40 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • i still don't like the originl joke

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      balloons don't go bust, they burst. fucking aussies.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      klaire @jacktastic | 1 Oct '08, 17:12 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      • I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        eschaton @klaire | 1 Oct '08, 17:18 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        • This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          It was a turtle disaster.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:18 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          • I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:19 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            • I went in to a pet shop.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:20 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              • I bought some Armageddon cheese today

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                it said on the packet. 'Best before End'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:20 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                • I went to buy a watch

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:21 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • I went into a shop

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:21 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • My mate is in love with two schoolbags.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      He's bi-satchel.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:21 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      • I went to the doctor.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:21 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        • I met the bloke who invented crosswords today.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:22 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          • I was reading this book today, The History of Glue.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            I couldn't put it down.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:22 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            • I phoned the local ramblers club today

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:22 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              • The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:23 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                • I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:23 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:23 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:24 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      • I phoned the local builders today

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:24 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        • This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          and he says 'Audi!'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:24 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          • I fancied a game of darts with my mate.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:25 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            • I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:25 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              • I visited the offices of the RSPCA today.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:25 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                • I was stealing things in the supermarket today

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:26 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  • I bought a train ticket to France

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:26 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    • I phoned the local gym

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:26 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      • I went to the local video shop

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:27 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        • A waiter asks a man, 'May I take your order, sir?'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          'Yes,' the man replies. 'I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?' 'Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die.'

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:27 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          • p.s. thanks dad

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            eschaton @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:28 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        • ha ha ha ha - that had me lolling..

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          was that in Austentatious? Do you even know what I am talking about??

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Rose-Kitten @eschaton | 1 Oct '08, 17:19 | X
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          • not a clue

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            sorry

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            eschaton @Rose-Kitten | 1 Oct '08, 17:28 | X
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