Your are viewing a read-only archive of the old DiS boards. Please hit the Community button above to engage with the DiS !
HIT ME WITH IT
Two oranges walk into a pub, one turns to the other and says 'yr round'
I don't wake up until 9!!
a lion walks into a bar and says to the barman 'i'll ha
and they're walking around the world, but their heads are high above the clouds and one giant says to the other 'where are we' so the other giant reaches down with his hand and says ' we're in chicago' and the other giant says' how did you know that' so the giant replies ' because i could feel two spikes on the top of the tallest building which means its sears tower'
so they're wandering around a bit more and the giant says again ' where are we' so again the other giant reaches down and says' ah were in paris' and the other giant says 'how did you know that?' so the giant replies well i can feel the eiffel tower'
Later on they're still walking and the giant says again ' where are we?' so the iant reaches down and says' were in liverpool'
'but there isnt any monuments that are so famous in liverpool that could make you tell....how did you know'
so the giant replies ' someone stole my watch'
You mend-a these trousers!
but now it's just water under the fridge
'cos he's only got little legs.
Because she drank tea before it was cool.
Because propertea is theft.
and the barman says 'why the big paws?'
bit of a dick. Of course I would only ever say that to his face
it really depends on the individual.
he walks into a bar. the barman goes 'fucking hell, what happened?' and he replies 'what do you mean?'
'what happened to your head?'
'oh, yeah. this again. what it was right, i was helping my sister-in-law move house a fortnight ago, she had some heavy furniture in her basement she wanted to keep hold of so of course mug here gets roped into it doesn't he. anyway, i came across this dusty old lamp. thought i'd give it a rub as you do, and fucking hell. before my very eyes stood a genie, not making this up. grants me three wishes. for my first wish i ask for a hundred million pounds. a puff of smoke later and there it is, briefcases upon briefcases packed to bursting with 50 pound notes. i couldn't believe it! what should i ask for for my second wish? something money can't buy. i asked him to give me the combined talent of all the greatest artists that have ever lived. boosh! an easel appears before me and before i know it i'm painting the most jaw-droppingly beautiful painting you'd ever wish to lay eyes on. i'm not making this up. my brush swooped across the canvas like it had a mind of it's own. in my creative haze the genie reminds me, i still have one more wish left. i put my brush down and think long and hard about it before telling him that i wish for half my head to be a big fuck-off orange.
That is the best joke
A time-traveler walks into a bar.
walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep.
He says "This is the pig I have to fuck when you've got a headache."
Wife says "Thats a sheep."
Husband says "Yes, I was talking to the sheep."
a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a Dane, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Slovak, an Australian, an Egyptian, a New Zealander, a Japanese, a Spaniard, a Russian, an Uzbek, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Israeli, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Liechtensteiner, a Moldovan, a Syrian, an Aruban, a Mongolian, a Portuguese, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Cook Islander, a Norfolk Islander, a Haitian, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Tajikistani, an Armenian, an Albanian, a Samoan, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Belarusian, a Qatari, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Cuban, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgarian, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two Africans walk into a fine restaurant.
"I'm sorry," says the maitre d', "but you can't come in here without a Thai."
also a guy from Chad. But I don't want to spoil the flow of the joke.
(TheWza has the punchline)
A man gets on a train and sits down opposite a little old lady. As soon as they leave the station, she takes a bible out of her handbag and starts to read it intently. When they arrive at the next station, she marks her place and tucks the book away, but remains seated. The train pulls away, and again she takes the bible out of her handbag, finds her place, and continues reading, only to put it away when the train pulls into the next station. The train pulls away, and again she takes the bible out of her handbag, finds her place, and continues reading, only to put it away when the train pulls into the next station.
By this point the man is very curious, and he can’t help but ask. “Excuse me,” he says to the old lady, “Why do you read your Bible only when the train is moving, and put it back in your handbag when we stop?”
The old lady marks her place with her finger, looks up and replies, “Why don’t you just fuck off?”
entered a blindfolded masturbation contest. God knows where i came.
Doctor: Look. You've got to stop masturbating.
Doctor: So I can examine you.
what do you call a drummer without a girlfriend?
What does the stripper do with her asshole before she goes on stage?
Drops him off at band practice
Rene Descartes is sat at a bar
Bartender: How about another one before you leave
Rene: I think not
he promptly dissapears
A man discovers that he has no soap left and cannot wash. Tired of stinking like shit, he goes to the local chemist. "I'd like a bar of soap please." he says. The woman at the counter takes a whiff of him and is repelled. "Would you like it scented?" she asks.
"Nah, no need, I'll just take it with me just now."
Is that too dear?
rather than just clever/well crafted