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a thread for phrases that need to go away
No, fuck off.
they 'ping' it instead. Makes my skin crawl.
inbox me saps
"there's no more biscuits"
that what they are asking is actually some bullcrap that means nothing. A report on something that will never get looked at. A new process that won't work. A group email that will be ignored. Fuck it, just get on with it and get paid. Better than working down a coal mine innit.
don't tell me to fucking action it
only boring posters
don't we all fucking wish
About these phrases is so many of the folk that blindly use them don't actually know what they mean. Or they don't mean anything.
Lass in my office: "It's like teaching them to suck eggs"
"Sorry, what does that mean?"
"Erm, I don't really know"
She keeps using it in different contexts so pretty sure she has no idea what it means either.
your grandma on the other hand...
That they send a weekly summary e-mail picking up key action points for the week ahead that they thought I "ought to be plugged in to"
someone once said they were going to 'squirt' an email over. Which is a strange one
"can I organise a round of drinks please?"
I don't like your implication that the credit in this process goes to your project management skills pal.
'learns' as a noun. FFS
Like "supports" as a noun.
Fuck off with your made-up gerund, what we have learnt are "lessons".
said during a meeting to discuss something after the meeting. :I
'How about we take this outside. You wanna go pal?'
I'll add that to the contact report as something to action later, yeah?
'amends'; as in 'I need to make those amends to the document'
There are some amends that need to be made. Short for amendments
'the consultants have all fucked off, nothing works, everything is broken, have you got time to do xyz'
It's meaningless and slightly annoying business language, but imagine really letting it bug you. Just get one with it, innit?
Having said that, I used to chuckle when my ex (Canadian) boss would say 'hey, can you please reach out to these guys today'. That means 'please contact them and find out what's going on.' REACH OUT, jeez.
who use "reach out" often.
One girl even ended her emails "thanks for reaching out"
I told a man it was nice talking with him on the phone earlier today web though he's a Tory
It's the worst. Doesn't even make sense.
don't think I could keep a straight face if anyone used any of the phrases in this thread. I dunno how people do it.
a lot is done by conf call or email so you can be smirking away at your desk and eyerolling like crazy.
who tries to write emails in this bizarrely formal way, and ends up inserting essentially random words and phrases until nothing makes sense. Really hard to describe exactly what it is about them, and I delete them instantly because I hate her, but next time we get one I'll c+p it into this thread so you can share my pain.
these people are the worst.
that started "In the first instance..." for literally no reason at all. They make me want to scream.
and get them all wrong.
Woman in my office does this all the time. May favourite was when she was she uttered: "They always shoot themselves in the knee"
The reason I'm calling yourself
I'll just sent an email to yourself
in person, but only in meetings. In day-to-day conversation they speak normally.
how are you getting on with the space planning piece?
and NO IDIOT, I don't mean in the traditional dad way of 'I am your dad, I raised you and your brothers', I mean to mean 'get hold of' or 'contact'.
I think he learned it from The Wire.
maybe he means razing people
and that place is ALWAYS the ground.
Why do no tribal villages ever get razed anywhere other than the ground?
build them on the river, you dullards
put it into context
Architect's not a verb, nobody in their right mind would use it as such
'What should we say instead?'
We're a *design* agency, so...
was a popular synonym for troubleshooting at my work a year or two ago. Mercifully seems to have passed.
now its a colleague journey...
who referred to every meeting as a 'catch-up' irrespective of who it was with
but one that's started recently that's really fucking me off is "value add", as in "we need to be able to demonstrate what our value add is", or, "remind me again what the value add of getting this fucking consultant in is?". YOU MEAN "ADDED VALUE", YOU CRETINOUS FUCKING HALFWITS. THERE'S LITERALLY NOTHING NEW OR CUTTING-EDGE IN THAT CONCEPT, YOU'RE JUST SAYING IT DIFFERENTLY TO SOUND LIKE IT'S SOME RADICAL INNOVATION.
Oh yeah, and the people we work with are apparently "primary actors". Go fuck a lemon.
and so we're not allowed to use the word "Christmas" in any client-facing situations. The US office don't even use the C-word in internal emails - they refer to it as "Festive", eg "We had so many bookings over Festive we hardly had any time off". Festive isn't even a noun, you CUNTS.
to the way this has gone. Christmas is a holiday taken by people of all beliefs and non-beliefs, but it's only a holiday because of the birth of a man that Christians belief was/is their saviour. it's hardly subjective, it's a fact. It bugs me when we have to call it 'the holidays' to some people. We don't call Hannukah the holidays, do we? I appreciate that things like mistletoe and all that have sod all to do with christianty (I think they're pagan ritualistic emblems possibly, but to completely eradicate the fact that for many it's also a religious festival is PC GONE MAD. #spittingimage
and our owner is afraid they'd be offended if we mentioned Christmas. I suspect they probably wouldn't give a fuck.
Management Speak Swear Jar
every time someone says some egregious management-speak phrase. so, starting with "moving forward" and getting more eye-gougingly-bad from there, they put 50p in the swear jar. at the end of each month, it goes to the charity of your choice
it either drums it out of people, or some charities get more money. win-win
*gives patronising glance*
We all know what they mean, don't we?
Big fan of 'reach out', in particular. Also, I definitely 'ping' a lot of emails.
purely in an ironic way, I always get caught out. I think you truly know you have made it in business if you can drop in a few buzzwords and people just nod along.
take cover guys oooh
was a big one in my last place. It was a general broadband helpdesk, but for business customers. So general reboot the router, some settings, line checks, log a call for an engineer was basically the whole remit. The whole company was so complex and their targets on call times meant people would get punted all over the place, have to keep ringing in and getting "passed from pillar to post" (fucking hate that phrase) a lot. Hence "ownership" became big. Customers wanted a person to "own" their problem and be a point of contact. There was an "ownership team".
That was just uttered to me. Touch base.
take legal action
took a picture of my ass and sent it around the office?
We'll just park this and revisit it at a later date
always springs to mind when I hear this
next time someone says this im gonna think it too now!
for a line I delivered about an old colleague (Jeremy) who used to say that all the time:
ME: I've got a meeting with Jeremy now
CLAIRE: You going to `touch base`?
ME: I wouldn't touch his base if you paid me.
Seemed to capture some kind of humour zeitgeist. They still talk about it now apparently. OFFICES.
I'm going to yell '40-40 IN'!
When used as a verb. When it is in fact the noun form of an already perfectly acceptable verb, lever. When also it could mostly be adequately replaced by the word "use".
is this a thing?!
Especially when they appear in emails. My biggest pet peeve is OOO in an out of office notification.
"I'm currently OOO on annual leave and will return..."
look at you on holiday!
battle of the SoMe
'reach out' and 'touch base'
Someone who pings
A catch-up is best
When you're bandwidth's stressed
You need to divest
To leverage biz-ness
I architect the process
Unless I'm OOO
Can you please provide me with the status of the following invoices:
1. #xxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxxx
2. #xxxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxx
3. #xxxxxxxxxxxxx xxxxxx
If you have any questions or need any additional assistance please feel free to reach out to me.
apart from pinging an IP address of course. But today someone did it twice!
The phrase 'weaknesses' isn't used here, it's 'overdone strengths'.
Which makes has made far too many fucktards here think that they're just too chatty/daydreamy/thick/detailed for everyone to understand them.
I cannot truly express in writing my hatred of personality profiling tools, or rather people's bullshit interpretations of them.