When I was about 17 I was in a band at school and without wanting to blow my own trumpet WE WERE THE FUCKING COOLEST MOTHERFUCKERS THIS WHOLE GODDAMN WORLD HAS EVER FUCKING SEEN.

Anyway we were selling tickets to come and see us at a local working men’s club and a younger boy probably about 13-14 had expressed an interest in buying and I told him to meet me in the year 9 social area for the hand over.
Now without wanting to seem mean, this child was not the slickest of gents. I’m sure he probably grew up to be a full on David Niven, but at the time he was a big buttery ball of awkward and ever so slightly on the podgy side.

Whilst waiting for him I happened to be chatting to some girls from a couple of years below me and was trying my hardest to come across as the kind of laidback cat that just didn’t give a hoot about what ‘society’ deemed acceptable behaviour, (In short I was being a massive prick.)

Anyway, the boy was late and in an attempt to impress I yelled out at the top of my voice “Where the fuck is that fat little shit?!”
Obviously, the answer to the question I posed was “He’s right behind you.” And there he was.
I very awkwardly sold him the tickets and left as quickly as I could, but every time I think of that moment I do a massive toe curling cringe.

Now you. (no killings please)