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I'm trying to distract myself from doing something bad and self-destructive.
How's your day been?
Might eat some cous cous later.
Need to find a plave to live cause I'm meant to be starting a new job on the 9th but I just can't be bothered.
Might just have some beers instead.
Wanna be friends?
It's some well paid but dull manual labour, I'm starting another 'proper', job in January but this was too good to turn down. But it means I've gotta get to London soonish and I just really can't be bothered!
Its going to be cold
I've had a nice day, bought some paint for my new house, looking forward to finally moving.
I need to apply for some jobs but I find applications really difficult.
Im so lazy and afraid of my own ineptness I'd rather stay doing a really dull poorly paid job that I know I can do.
I hated it, but I could do it and I'm not sure i can do anything else. But now I don't even have a shit job.
Well good luck
I'm feeling more positive today than usual, trying to hold on to that feeling :)
+ not been at work today
+ lie in
- the weather's been pretty rubbish, so not been able to go out really
+ the kitchen's now pretty spotless
- I ended up cleaning the kitchen
Might watch the Apprentice in a bit.
Powhatan constitutes a lie in for you? These days if I'm in bed at 9am I feel super decadent, how times have changed!
Yeah, usually around 9 for me, too now, unless I've been out late the night before. Although I didn't wake up til 11 this morning for some reason (I hadn't been out on the lash).
It should have been 'what even'.
I'm feeling a little bit moody today so I'm making my special recipe chilli and having a few beers.
chilli and beers is one of my things I like to do
I think I need to accept that I'm not going to be able to get any thinner, just come to terms with it.
What's some good music? I've just been listening to Aja loads the week.
everyone just thinks you're ill or a drug addict. I mean, they're right about me but whatever
idk about music, I just got back all my old tunes from my last kaputtski laptop recently.. so basically been listening to a load of 90s rap music
Finished my last job yesterday. It was a contract job which I cut short. I'd done the thing that was the main aim of the job already and was stuck doing something incredibly boring in an unheated office for a difficult and unpleasant client for not much money for the next couple of weeks, so I felt it wasn't worth the aggro. I originally took it just because it came up at a convenient time when I had nothing more on my schedule. Added some stuff to my cv and have been applying for interesting jobs. I've got enough coming in to pay next month's rent and keep me frugally for a couple of weeks, so things should be ok, and I have little odds and ends of money come in from stuff like selling zines and prints. No lavish living for me coming up though.
I threw my neck out in my sleep somehow, and haven't been able to move all day. I've had some painkillers and muscle relaxants, and have got a heatpack on it, but it's no fun not being able to turn your head. I was going to go to the British museum to see some of the exhibits (I've got free entry for the next couple of weeks) and do some drawing, but I didn't feel like it when I could barely move and feel slow brained and sluggish from the medication. Didn't feel like going to the supermarket either, but it turned out I had a sachet of beanfeast lurking in the cupboard, so now I'm making a vege bolognese with mushrooms.
I also sorted out some DIY Space for London stuff, and arranged to go to the Anarchist Bookfair on Saturday to hand out fliers and talk to people about our property hunt.
I'm enjoying the chance to be unemployed for a little bit though. I've got some unfinished illustration and sewing projects that have been lurking around.
Must be nice.
Well, I'm not sure I do any more than the average person, I just try my best not to work full time year round if I can afford it. That does mean I miss out on stuff like holidays and new clothes, but it also means I often have plenty of time to do as I want, and if I hate a job, I can just leave. I don't have any kids, mortgage or debt though, and where I currently live is a property guardianship that is really cheap, so I don't have any financial commitments really, and I don't really mind having to budget and plan carefully. I don't know if how I live would make other people happy though, I'm not pushing it as any kind of answer, probably the cheap communal living, fact I haven't been on holiday since 2007 (I just find teaching work that sends me abroad if I want to travel) and inability to treat myself to anything that doesn't come from a charity shop would probably get a lot of people down. Depends what makes you feel happy and comfortable I guess. Luckily most of the things I really like doing are cheap or free.
And be loved by everyone. Neither of those seem very cheap unfortunately. Still my next album is gonna be the one!!! It has to be; I'm old now and it's my only way out.
Love is free!
But also not something that office admin work pays out.
Can afford to wait it out for now I guess.
Does playing gigs make you happy, or are you more of a recorded man?
Gigs were super fun when I was in a band, I do love to perform. Sadly as I don't drive I can't really gig anymore so I can only put my stuff online for nobody and do the odd open mic in my town.
If it's you solo, couldn't you get the train to gigs?
I don't like being in places I don't know on my own, makes me really tense. Stupid mental health problems, it's super embarrassing really. I guess that's why something like music is appealing to me, when you are playing a song you can pretend to not be yourself or that the dumb shit you need to do to get through the day is some kinda badge of honour. Sorry I don't know what I'm talking about
Have you got local friends who like your music? Maybe you could do a house gig at your house or a friends, and then it's only full of people you like and it's relaxed, and you don't have to go far.
So it's not really feasible. It's cool though, i just need to have the little dream of making something so great that the world will come to me and fix my problems for a little longer, it's a pleasant fiction :)
To some extent anyway,and when they cause good things like your music they're necessary fictions. Keep posting songs!
Also, think I might bake a cake once my housemate is done with the oven.
breakfast is the best dinner
Things are okay with me. I went running this morning and my legs really hurt now - I'm kinda fed up with this. But other than that, it's all good.
The sight of mist over fields at dawn is one of my favourite sights.
Early mornings are great for that still loads of potential...by bout midday I get this looming fear though. Actually these days I get panic attacks in the morning so i guess I'm wrong but whatever
Night in on my chuff with not much to do now I've cleared up the gaff, except make some Murakami-esque simple food for Mrs FS and myself when she gets back from her dance lesson. It's actually rather nice, I'm not very good with time on my own as rumination is a trigger for all kinds of bad stuff for me but in small doses it helps me to uncoil from an increasingly hectic work life. Anyway, enough of that.
Probs gonna load up Bioshock Infinite once my Counting Crows love in comes to an end on the stereo/music forum. My sis very kindly bought it for me for my birthday and it's good timing cause I just finished Mass Effect 3 (loved it, could elaborate for a very long time, but ill bore the arse off you even more than this post).
Good choice on the Steely Dan (if that was the Aja you were talking about). I'm kinda obsessed with ultra slick, well-played stuff at the moment, and the added New York cool they throw in makes them pretty much irresistible to me.
How's the guitar working out? I stupidly left my trusty Epiphone SG in an awkward position and the bloody thing's warped. Might have to buy that Tele I've always wanted but it'll have to wait for a bit as life is very expensive at the mo.
Oh my cat's here.
Do you have super hexagon? Or whale trail? If I'm trying to lose time, or not think about something, I have lost an incalculable amount of time to them!!
I go though phases of a few months where I don't want to listen to them but then when I come back it's like fuuuuuuck...they make it all sound so effortless and so cool *swoon*
Infinite is a pretty great game in my opinion, sure it has problems that have been discussed at length online but it's pure fun, atmospheric and thrilling so enjoy!
I'm sure counting crows were one of those bands I never could decide if they were lame and cheesy or not so I kinda just ignored them, was I wrong?
The guitar is great! I wrote a cool song this week on it and I'm gonna record it but in a month or so when I've saved up enough for a new mic and a bass guitar.
Gotta get my deck set up and give The Nightfly another spin at some point, I always really enjoy it but it doesn't get half the attention it should from me. Especially not this year, there has actually been too much stuff I've loved for me to be able to check out all the new releases I'd like to! The last time I remember this happening was the year Sound Of Silver and Wincing The Night Away came out, I'm so happy about it. :D
Yeah, BI looks pretty out there which is good as I'm not much of a FPS dude so it should hopefully put a more creative spin on the usual run 'em gun 'em stuff.
Counting Crows may not be the band for you right now! Ultra-earnest lyrics and ultra-american sound is not for everyone, but for my money he has a voice that can pretty much tear me apart and they are an ultra-intuitive band. Maybe check out Children in Bloom from Recovering The Satellites and if it's your deal let me know and I'll hook you up with a mixtape. Lotta wallowing though so watch out!
Glad you're pleased with the guitar, I was extremely jealous when I saw it. Let me know when you've recorded it and I'll check it out. Do you have a page of yr stuff?
Also dude, if you ever want to talk about some of the stuff you go through, please feel free to PM the shit out of me. I've had some positive experience with therapy and medication and though I know everyone's experiences are different, I might be able to share something of use with you? Plus sometimes it's just nice to talk.
Also just nice of you to drop by and chat here of course!
I do have a page it's www.soundcloud.com/bamnan
I'm thinking of changing it once I figure out a decent name...guess I could use my real name but it's not really very glamorous.
I just listen to mark kozelek for earnest stuff, I basically idolise him.
Fuck me though, I bought Benji and I pretty much couldn't listen to it cause it was sending me over the edge, you should be fine with CC! To be fair I've not heard any of his other material apart from vague memories of something they used to advertise a computer game so it may not all be quite so devastating.
Maybe my favourite album ever, it's so raw and kinda tender, bitter, weary and naive at the same time <3
very nice on an evening like this. Did you record all this yrself? Sounds lovely and clean.
Also, Autumn Rain sounds like autumn rain.
I straight up love your guitar figures. Really like the atmosphere of it.
Hopefully the guitar will sound much better in future now I'm not using a cheapish one.
Shucks thanks for the strong praise :) musics all I've got at the moment so whilst it's a bit vain, hearing nice things like that really sustains me so thank you!
If that's home recorded it sounds fantastic - you should hear my awful attempts to do so! You should be proud of this stuff, I've never been able to form my ideas into 1 song, let alone so much material that's actually good. Keep it up!
I plan to keep it up...enthusiasm permitting.
Just had someone round and we watched 'The Fly'. Great film. Now just reading and drinking tea. Tough Life.
Seemed really creepy and weird but I never actually saw it.
Didn't have you down as a reader...betraying your working class roots son!
but never got to the end. proper good, give it a watch. Its just old copies of the daily sport if that makes it better?
Had an ok day, doing alright overall, drinking is not so good but keeping it in check.
Just wanted to say hi to you really. HI!
Thanks for stopping by, nice of you :)
Don't be too hard on yourself, sounds like you are in control
We were just settling down for bed when we noticed an email from out landlady (sent at 22.38) telling us she's coming over tomorrow. What's the politest way to tell her to fuck off and give us more notice text time?
do you know what the case is for your situation?
our landlady lives up the road and comes over pretty much every day. pokes around a bit and leaves. unbearable
We have a very casual deal with our landlady though and we don't want to ruin our relationship/risk being thrown out.
coz you're a big deal, bammers
'visionary' still one of the maybe 10 best songs i've heard this year
anyway i mostly hate this website so i'm probably off again. if i wasn't so lonely myself i'd steer clear but it's the time of year - empathy given is empathy returned
Challenge the bits you hate
It won't be a cure for loneliness but spring cleaning can be good for the soul
Or so I'm told.
no earth unscorched
with 'literally fuck off and die, this is so profoundly stupid. you're a stupid awful cunt. i should never have come back because i can only retain my integrity here through being nasty.'
but i can't really because who needs a messageboard full of that crap
seriously though you should listen to more music if that's the case ;)
What is it about this website that you hate? (I guess chances are you aren't going to see this post though right?)
Are you still making music?
What are you emailing them?
feels like 4 months now, the mood in camp is deteriorating, i have no idea what to do on the internet when i'm not checking cricinfo or bbc/football. keep looking at paul f tompkins tumblr but there's nothing new there.
send help soon.
good luck with all your bizniz bamnan.
i just came home drunk and used my housemates beard trimmer to do my pubes
Haven't spoken to you in ages! How's fatherhood treating you?
tired more than i've ever been, but can't really complain tbh. hope you're allright bud
Yeah I'm alright I guess, getting there.