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Hey Turmeric, if I wanted yellow utensils, I'd fucking buy yellow utensils. Sort it out!
Will I ever use you again? No I don't think so.
Why did I buy you? I'm not exactly sure.
I'm so sorry.
Post it to me.
Can you grow your own coriander? I might google that.
Wither and die. Wither and die.
will all grow in pots outside with minimal looking after (obviously, watering frequently in this sort of weather.
Outside growing isn't something I can do. Any herb garden at my place is going to be a window-sill operation.
several neighbours have a bush out the front. Bay leaves also. I have mint growing in my back garden, it is almost weed-like, it has sprung up all over the place.
so it dies back quickly in autumn.
Main thing is to kill the flowers as soon as you see them or else it goes to seed and the plant dies. This is true of basil too, which will also grow. Find somewhere with a good amount of sun and keep them watered.
has a more aniseedy tang, but very mild. Good on roast potatoes.
I'm wearing a black t-shirt this time, let's do this.
Peel yourself in future, twat.
Pain in the arse.
"guess how many layers you'll need to peel off of me. GUESS?!"
your seeds are cunts, cheers.
is always disappointing. Food programmes show lovely red nuggets of joy sprinkled over desserts. I end up paying over a quid for a load of crunchy sour seeds in a nest of even crunchier white pithy stuff. And yes I have tried hitting the back with a spoon etc.
Thats just a load of lying bollocks to make people feel less guilty cos the cows dont get an outdoor life. (check it out if you dont believe me)
you were really good actually and i wish i'd bought more of you when you were on offer at asda. would make a decent lunch to take into work, with your microwavability
Can someone have an argument with an egg please
How do you get so filthy INSIDE?
Hateful pretend onions.
Delicious, dirty obese spring onions.
Just when I think I've run out of food to eat, I rediscover you again.
I love you so much, I want you everyday
Thanks for revealing to me the true extent of the bluntness of my knives.
How much prep time must I dedicate to you? Peeling you, de-seeding you and then chopping you. I'm sick of it you dense motherfucker. Sick of it!
that you could be grated (to be made into fritters)
You're a magnificent bastard, keep up the good work.
The world has changed. I don't have to plan a week in advance whenever I want to make guacamole any more. Friendly reminder that unless you sort it out, you'll be left out in the cold.
A. Mexican Chef
I know we've had our ups and downs and deep down we'll always have a special relationship. Things change, it's not you, it's me. You'll forever have a place in my heart. It's just....I like sausages more.
Thanks for being there for me, when I needed you most.
You think *I'M* a hassle to peel? Has nobody ever told you to slightly crush me with the flat edge of a knife? I'm sure they have but can only assume you've got a highly selective memory. Yet again its garlic that gets it in the neck while worse offenders like artichokes get off without a word. Check your privilege.
Less appealing, more self-peeling.
rather than complain about me being 'difficult'
take me on an exciting ride and I'll undress myself for you
I'm not sure why I don't eat more of you. You're delicious and easy to cook. What's stopping me?
It's fine for a light meal; just scramble up some eggs with whatever's in the fridge (cheese, bacon, mushrooms etc.) but for a big meal it's not that easy unless you want a fry-up.
lose the fucking bones please.
bit stingy, but the prep is a dream!
(I've never used the fish counter at a supermarket or been to a fish monger)
never change x
why is the idea and appearance of you so much better than the actual experience?
P.S. your seeds are little dickheads.
We've had this out before, but I've not seen any change so I'm bringing it up again: a raisin sandwich is not a dessert. You're a fucking sham and it's about time everyone knew it.
please yourselves more aware of your variety before I've bitten in to you, cheers.
I can't tell when you are ripe, and even when I think you are, I slice you open and you are rock hard. Room temperature for 3 weeks and still fucking rock hard? Come on dickhead.
Look, it's been great. And you've done absolutely nothing wrong. In fact, you're delicious. But I just don't want all of my sugar for the day in one go. I want options. It's not you it's me. I'm not saying never, you know. I just hope we can still be friends. x
or if it is the glucose / fructose syrup they now put in, but I don't remember it being as bad as this when I was a kid. I can almost feel it taking the enamel off my teeth, it makes my teeth squeak after drinking it.
I've tried to talk to you, be friends with you. But I can't do it, you're like an evil snail. Why are you the way you are?
Further to bootyfearsatan's correspondence of 4th August 2014, it should be noted that the gill thing you've got going on is seriously creepy.
I know this isn't your fault but I have a favour to ask. We both know that once I've cut you up and handled you a bit I'm going to rub my eyes and/or touch colossalhorse jr before washing my hands. It's inevitable. Couldn't you just slice yourself or something?
Please be reasonable. We both know that that Friday was a one-off, there's really no need to tell meths.
Welcome to Dumpsville.
stop being so ridiculously hard to peel and eat.
I love you
I think you're great, but... are you shrinking? You need to see a food doctor - Curly Wurly Disorder is a serious problem. Just ask Monster Munch.
you know what I'm going to say.
stop being so tasty you lip and arsehole filled bastards
How about you and me go away together somewhere quiet for the weekend?
anyone that eats you, a disgusting fungus, is an animal.
mango: you are overrated, get the fuck out my face
all seafood: I don't eat insects that live on land, and yet you expect me to eat you, insects that live in the sea? how about fuck off
crisps and general snacks like popcorn: please die
Go to hell!
m**k, y****t, c***m, other white and/or gloopy foodstuffs: thanks for making it almost impossible for me to be in the same room as someone who's eating breakfast without gagging / throwing up. thanks for making it so I had to eat dinner at school hiding behind a tree or on the roof or in an empty music room because some freaks thought y****t made for an acceptable part of a packed lunch. thanks for making it pretty much impossible for me to use communal fridges / cooking equipment. you are the most disgusting looking / smelling / sounding / tasting thing in existence. and I have literally thrown up in my mouth over the course of writing this so I'm going to stop.
PS: I'm vegan now. Fuck you.
"milk, yoghurt, cuuum"
i know it's hard, children are stupid and mean, but you'll get through this and one day you'll get to enjoy the company of mature adults who appreciate you for who you are. hang in there.
Further to Tiramisu's correspondence of 4th August 2014, it should be noted that you are exceptionally delicious when fried in butter and served on toast. Know that you're loved.
before you came into my life i missed you so bad.
parsnips, you're a dishonest roast potato and I hate you.
marmite, stop pretending your so divisive no one is that bothered.
please don't be the thing screwing me over at the moment
I want to eat you, a lot, in pastries
sorry, I have tried. I used to only like mild cheddar as a kid and I have worked my way up to trying and liking every other kind of cheese. But I just can't get on board. You smell like a tramp's shoes. Like death, like bin juice. You taste better than you smell but it still isn't enough to put up with. You are mouldy, deep blue veins of the stuff that I normally bin an entire loaf of bread for having specks of on it.
Congratulations for being the only foodstuff (that I know of) that I don't actually like eating.
From Morrissey's forthcoming My Old Man's A Dustman EP
i am no poet or writer so i'll leave it to david mitchell
Burger King chips, you've always been a disappointment to me but whoever told you 'less fat more flavour' was deeply, deeply mistaken. I've had better oven chips, it's all about onion rings from now on.
where's the best country to live, standard of life wise?
a simple 'open this end' would have helped
why can't you get along with anyone I put you next to? you always have to make a fuss
You're not a viable alternative to potato, so stop trying to sell yourself as such. You roast badly and taste funny.
good point. sweet potato is fighting in the completely wrong division. stick him up against butternut squash and he'd be champion in no time.
never gonna get anywhere against the tattie
I'm pretty sure you've just solved the world's sweet potato and butternut squash problems. Good work!
Got anything on Gaza?
I'm only good for one solution per day. maybe tomorrow?
I ENJOY sweet potato chips, jacket sweet potato beats a regular one I reckon. Not as good for roasties though.
I'm not sure why I have four half used jars of you in the fridge.
Can you be less forgettable?
I love everything you chose to be.
you aren't very nice sorry. You try, but we are best off not trying to replace meat with you and just eat vegetables instead.
Get a fucking job.