Boards
Things you're looking forward to doing when/if you have children
making pancakes together every sunday with loads of different fillings
going to museums
going for a cycle along the canal and letting ponies eat out of our hands (looked this up and apparently its kinda dangerous but my mum used to take me to do this)
that thing where two adults hold each hand and swing the kid forward (looked this up and apprently its kinda dangerous too)
n/a
So you didn't research the health and safety issues of having different pancake fillings or going to museums?
training the kid up like a pokemon
c-section scars
Not being legally allowed to leave my baby nerd alone for 12 years. Dragging my baby nerd on holiday with me everytime. My baby nerd crying and me not being able to figure out what the problem is. My investment in expensive earphones/headphones to block out the noise. Nappies and potty training. My baby nerd embarrassing me in the shops.
Don't call your kid Nerd.
Don't worry
I'll spend hours choosing the best name for socio-economic impact in their lives.
http://www.geekbabyclothes.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/nine-months-in-the-batcave.png
Think about this often.
SCIENCE MUSEUM
Taking them to their first football match
Taking them to the lake district for an adventure break including climbing, Go Ape, kayaking and quad biking.
Making them really good at sports.
Taking them to a restaurant with a make your own ice cream machine
That's gonna fill up a load of alternate saturdays
This is brilliantly mean
Look dear I know you're still bitter about me getting the summer house
but there is no need for this. Have had enough of your bullshit.
=D
forcing them to compensate for all my failings
all those things are great
but i'd rather just do them with another adult who isn't really annoying and needy
but but
"that thing where two adults hold each hand and swing the kid forward (looked this up and apprently its kinda dangerous too)"
you would need a really small adult to be able to do that!
you can do that with nephews and nieces
your arm starts to hurt way before they get tired of it.
i'd probably rather just go on the swings myself
(went on the swings and chutes in kelvingrove while drunk at 7am the other day. best morning ever)
-taking them to big parks a lot and having imaginary adventures
basically pretending theyre the hero in a knock-off studio ghibli movie or something. I reckon that'd be well fun.
-getting them really into football
-being an all-round cool dad. One of those ones where their pals are like 'your dad's cool'. Two of my friends at school had dads like that and i bet the dads were well chuffed (in hindsight one of them's really lame but still)
constantly winding them up. telling them when cats grow up they turn into dogs, or that in france people eat by shoving food up their bums, or whenever you sneeze it's the sound of a part of your brain exploding and you are now stupider than you were before. that kind of thing.
^going for parent of the year
making them look ridiculous
http://cdn.themetapicture.com/media/funny-baby-mustache-pacifier.jpg
This by a country mile
Kids are really stupid and really easy to take the piss out of. Doing this sort of stuff is fantastic fun and an important life lesson for the little tykes.
"Kids are really stupid"
Speak for yourself. Parents/adults can greatly underestimate the intelligence and awareness of kids.
nah they're thick
That is what they want you to think
filling them with insecurities and resentments
which as adults will develop into debilitating neuroses.
'lol'
Basing my entire life around them for at least 16 years.
Paying through my nose for them for at least 25 years.
Resent them for becoming office drones like me for the rest of my life.
Absolutely coin it off dss
and buy many flat-screen tvs
Giving them amazing names like Hardlife, Knowledge, Wonder and Talent.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Zimbabwe_national_football_team
having really great chats with them about things like
which group of people are worse: people who make their entire lives revolve around their children as some weird narcissistic extension of themselves or grown adults who profess that they never, ever want children and can't see any point in it
I too will be teaching them the joys of only contributing to internet forum threads to demonstrate exactly how high my horse is.
don't just teach them that. You contribute far more
like 500+ word weekend football threads on a Friday night
Football
#lovechildrenhatepancakes
giving them real books and musical instruments and stuff
and not iPads.
I'm not a monster; some of the books will be about computers.
stuff like that really is a tough one, I imagine lots of parents in the 80s thought that about tv when I was growing up, the parents probably thought 'they'll thank me for this later' but it is such a shared experience and common reference I think those kids really did miss out.
see also: my mum refusing to buy me any kind of games console ever
now i am physically incapable of playing video games and it is a source of CONSTANT HUMILIATION.
I was never allowed toy guns or nestle products, in the long run not that bothered, but at the time I was pretty cheesed off.
people should not indoctrinate their children into religion of sports, music is ok though.
*religion or sports.
though religion of sports works too.
if i had loads of kids i'd name them all really similar names and also after me
hannah jr, hannibal, hanne, hans
can't wait really. someone get me up the duff PRONTO.
superhans
also very good
lil babby superhans
you need to get with somebody called [first name] O'Hanrahan
no, wait
there are people called [first name] Hannah out there.
I mean, you don't even need to sleep with them, just marry them and steal their name for your children.
hancock
hanson, after the band
Their Mum
naming a future son after Inzamam Ul-Haq, Wasim Akram
or Muhammad Ali