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you know, stories from school..
(turns head into pen, ink now on cheek)
there was a lot of walking around with the white shirts covered in blue blotches after a lengthy session of ink-flicking
- someone kneels on all fours behind the victim, someone else lightly pushes the victim, hilarity ensures
- someone goes to sit down and you pull their chair away at the last minute
(Not this again)
is called 'benching'
For us not born under the umbrella of political correctness
...probably when you get above about five foot tall, all of these become proper dangerous. That day is a sad day indeed :(
it's just being a fucking dickhead
Someone put a stolen Strangeways sign over the school sign. Also a huge banner was put up saying 'Mrs Goulding Sniffs Glue.'
I was always in trouble :(
Us Cowbridge boys would never stoop so low
It was magnificent. Caretakers ripped it down before anyone really got to see it. Very disappointing.
LA DE DA
Dared another kid (who didn't know it was her name) to shout it out in class
He proceeded to bellow out "WHO THE FUCK IS ROSALIND?" Promptly got sent to the head teacher
unless the joke was on me (i had a horrible time at school tbh, didn't even have any real friends as a teenager until i went to college)
and now i think about it everything funny was needlessly cruel and actually not funny at all D: there was that time that a french teacher noone liked got hit in the head by a girl who slammed the cabinet door on her head (she was expelled)
also loads of horrible nicknames, like the buck toothed lab technician was called the lab rat (to her face ffs) the overweight canteen worker was called sweaty betty (again to her face) and stuff like that
fuck high school it was awful, if i didn't have my great family/the music and books i distracted myself with at school i would have probably killed myself or something
During the lesson, she would walk around the class, helping us etc etc. When she stopped at the table behind mine, I told my mate sat next to me to turn around and he inadvertently stuck his face in her pert skirt-clad arse. She was not amused
in the incredibly high ceiling-ed school hall. that was pretty good
i thought your school hall had a rape alarm
Running into someone's kitchen, standing on the work surfaces/a chair, lifting up the ceiling tiles and lobbing a rape alarm into the crawl space.
except with a crab instead of a rape alarm.
A whole fucking salmon.
At college some guys put a load of tiny tinned fish in the air vents on someone's dashboard. I actually felt kind of sorry for him tbh. Still, good story.
No amount of Febreze is going to get that smell out. I remember something vaguely similar happening in my brother's year with the added element of it happening to a vegetarian girl. Returned to her car one day to find the bonnet entirely covered with strips of bacon.
that must have cost them a *mint*.
Bet it looked DOPE though.
Marc leaving his window slightly-open during a really hot summer, but leaving it open enough that someone could reach inside and open the door. Released the handbrake and pushed it into the middle of the road in between two rows of parked cars, pushed down the lock, wound up the window and closed the door, blocking anyone from leaving the car park until Marc finally appeared from whatever lesson he was in.
Another time someone left their car unlocked so a group of guys pushed it right out into the middle of the football pitch :D
someone stole the power cord off the techy dept's kettle
never seen teachers go so ballistic
And we were pretending to snort it like cocaine.
Tried to get this kid called Chris (nicknamed priest for his squeaky clean image) to snort it
He was like nah it's coke and I'll be addicted
We were like nah it's sugar
So he did it
and we were like AHHHHHHHHHHH IT'S COCAINE YOU JUNKIE
he went to sick room and got himself sent home. Was off school for 2 days claiming he was going cold turkey
my friend sold someone a bag of mixed italian herbs once, pretended it was marijuana.
when we asked him about it afterwards he like 'I was so stoned, good shit man'
Gave a kid some disclosing tablets from the dentist and persuaded him that they were pills. Somehow got him to take them behind the changing rooms in school. He kept talking about 'feeling a rush' and only noticed what they were when someone pointed out his teeth were now purple.
Honestly can't believe it worked.
for selling a kid in the year below disclosing tablets saying they were ecstacy pills. Seemed a touch harsh, they were not naughty kids by any stretch of the imagination.
on the penultimate day of year 11 we were told at the end of the day that we wouldn't be coming in the next day because we had a few wankers in our year and the previous year the year 11s had done quite a bit of damage (loads of poster paint into the toilet cisterns, brought a couple of sheep in etc). so the arsehole kid decided he still wanted some #classic last day #bantz so on his way out he slashed the tires on our art teacher's bike (who lived 5 or so miles from the school) then keyed a few cars.
obvs got walked all over. we continually tried to push him to breaking point which came to a head when he turned to write on the board and we handed out sheets of A4 paper along the back row, stood up holding them so when he turned around it spelt out Y-O-U-A-R-E-G-AY-! across the back row. not a proud one that. he's a really nice bloke aswell
[name retracted] accidentally fingered a girl up the bum and she didn't tell him for 5 minutes
Mr. [name retracted] had to sit down to wee
[name retracted] did a shit so big it wouldn't flush at his girlfriend's house so he threw it out of the bathroom window
Last lesson on a Friday, as well. Group effort, that one. I think he must have been there a while and been hugely embarrassed because it was, with hindsight, a horrible thing to do but was never mentioned again.
Spent a lot of time with mates yelling euphemisms for masturbation in music lessons because the teacher was too elderly to really understand any of them.
Was too much of a non-entity at school to be all that bantsy. That came at sixth form- a smaller pond that made me a bigger fish, and a pond that was full of girls to impress with tedious male teenage banter.
Was a bit of a boffin, but also played rugby so the hard kids didn't give me too much grief.
At sixth form I became a god
no it doesn't
whilst doing a presentation in front of the class
I have no idea what the difference is
Of course, I *have* spent the better part of the last 9 years on these forums.
I know exactly what the difference is
with scissors as an end of school prank. they were expelled on the last day
someone else set a fire alarm off at some point and firemen came round. I'm not sure what happened to them. the school had been burnt down about 10 years earlier, and I don't think they found it very funny.
started messing around with the supplies, throwing them at each other, and then this quickly turned into play fighting with some friendly dead arms/legs being administered.
anyway i went to punch his arm, he ducks, and the young supple art teacher is suddenly there to cushion the blow of my punch with her breast. first boob i ever touched and it was a punch.
she understandably went batshit and i felt terrible, came back later to apologize which was brutally uncomfortable.
Then 2 minutes later it was announced that the library was closed for a lunchtime or something equally innocuous one kid stood up and burst into applause. Was a lot funnier than I'm making it sound.
remember when we were getting a really boring lecture in assembly for some reason, everyone thinking "when is this going to end"
mr wishart pauses halfway through a sentence and this lad stands up and starts clapping
just about injured myself laughing so hard
also at the end of a talk or something when everyone was clapping your mate would look at you and go "last clap" and you'd have to compete to see who could get the last clap in the round of applause
still do this tbh
Field was slightly damp, and the PE teacher was behind with teh matches. He'd run out of cones to use as bases so what would any self-respecting PE uses instead? That's right, Javelins.
So there we were playing baseball in the wet with javelins as bases. Baseball a game that involves "sliding" into bases and generally running fast and stopping quickly. Amazed no one got serious hurt DURING the matches
However, at the end we were all clearing up when one of the boys though it would be funny to jab a javelin into the ground between our legs (like that knife/table stabbing game the android in Aliens does). This of course ended badly when it went through the foot of one of the boys
PE teacher lost his rag, smacked the culprit around the head (presumably fearing for his job)
We laughed about it later, it wasn't a serious injury
one we had carried this news clipping in his pocket every day and showed it to any kids not strictly following the rules http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/1432162/Boy-dies-after-school-discus-accident.html still has it now according to friends' younger siblings
putting rocks and bricks in peoples bags at lunchtime when they weren't looking.
in maths class, which was on the second floor, throwing people's pencil cases with all their maths equipment out of the window at the start of the lesson.
the teacher saw him and made him spend the whole of the rest of the period and lunchtime searching for it in the rain. :D
it started with loads of text books put in someones bag, then loads of art supplies until it reached the momumentous day when we found a massive anvil and that went in a bag too.
some lads in the year above borrowed three sheep from a nearby farm and spray-painted them with the numbers 1, 2 and 4. They let them loose in the school corridors, and the teachers spent ages looking for number 3.
it might have been 1, 3 and 4
Sure, how many do you need?
Just three please!
Ah, the old missing animal trick, used to be pigs in my day.
This tale went round my school too. Never believed it.
One kid set his own bag on fire at lunch time once. Didn't do much damage, but the room stank. When the form tutor came back he took one sniff and looked set to explode.
"What's been burning?"
*kid raises hand*
"Umm...I set my bag on fire..."
*longest pause ever*
He wasn't even annoyed, just really confused.
a guy in the primary above me ate mud.
on topic, a high school i was sat next to one of the neddy girls at the back of the class. she had to go to the dance class after sixth period, so during a test she got me to keep the edgy and changed into her dance gear. she must've assumed i was gay.
once, in a fit of boredom, climbed out of the window during a physics class. the teacher had left and i was bored, so i opened the window and hopped out. as i was walking back round to get back in, the teacher walked right past me. i waited a bit of time, and edged back into the class, him only part noticing me.
once a guy brought a bag of rotting oranges to school, so we started throwing them at each other. one guy ran way from my errant throw, slide down the small grassy hill, and burst his shoe right open, his whole foot and leg going right through the hole in the shoe, up to past his knee, and as he fell over his trousers burst open at the arse. it easily was the funniest thing i've ever seen.
Who had a row of desks either side of where he'd stand at his whiteboard. We'd have half the class slowly moving their desks so the gap he stood in got smaller and smaller as the class went on until he'd turn back from writing on the board and walk into the corner of a desk.
It must have been horrible for him to know that the only thing that'd make a dozen or so 15 year olds work together quietly was trying to wind him up.
in music , there was a group of GEEKS who were all in the school orchestra or some shit, they were the only ones who could play anything approaching a tune.
every week, each music gang would play their finished compositions to the class, and the class would critique and mark their efforts, a kind of peer review.
every week we would always give the competent music playing geeks as core of 0/10 which would be overruled by the teacher.
they we would put all the instruments away and i'd set off all the demos on the keyboards
Locked a maths teacher who was quite a large chap out of a classroom, he tried to come in via a smaller door from a different corridor and got stuck. Once eventually let in he sat and started writing detentions out for the whole class until someone cracked and dobbed someone in, no-one cracked so he gave up.
One of those rooms where the tables were in the middle and the computers round the edge. Put some homosexual porn on a mates screen and turned the screen off. Everyone is sat at the tables, he goes back to his computer prompting everyone to turn and look, flips on the monitor and there it is in all its glory.
Vaguely remember throwing someones art project into a nearby canal, that probably falls more under outright bullying than bants though.
Science lessons pretty much didn't pass without something being set on fire, an animal organ being smeared somewhere or some sort of water fight etc. although a favourite is when one of the school's three or so (they were expensive apparently) burettes got broken in an attempt to shove it up someones arse.
We used to have a game where we'd throw an orange at eachother with increasing force until it exploded on someone, not really sure why that was a thing.
I'm going to stop now before I waste any more time.
but we had a large glass fronted fumigation cupboard in one of the labs. We put a fat kid called Dave Dixon (I'm pretty sure that he wanted to go in) inside it, and threw loads of torn up paper in it too. When we turned it on, everyone shouted CRYSTAL MAZE and he tried to grab all the paper as it swirled around him. The teacher came in and he got proper bollocked. No-one else though. Like he'd set it all up himself, then turned it on from the outside.
The better stuff included:
- Kid in my sixth form shagged the French trainee teacher and told literally everyone about it all the time, making her life a complete misery.
- Me and two other lads got caught in our hotel room on a school trip with a girl who had promised to show us her boobs, but when she got there she wouldn't show us unless someone got their cock out (14 year old boys? don't think that's happening). Jon was asleep the whole time but when the teachers came in he woke up and Jason pretended to be asleep, so Jon got in the shit with me and Sarah and Jason got away with it.
- On a different school trip the same girl did get her boobs out for another group of lads (gave them a free pass on the cock out bit though) and a teacher walked in. How awkward it must have been for the mid twenties teacher god only knows, poor bastard.
was someone in the class nobbing a teacher's daughter
who totally fly off the rails when you get to about 15/16 and parties and booze and casual sex become things because she was so sheltered before. 2 people in our class shagged her at the same party. we hadn't brought it up in class for a pretty long time after it happened out of fear/waiting for the perfect moment. then, in the middle of a bollocking some kid was getting for being disruptive he just stopped the teacher mid-sentence, and totally deadpan said 'out of interest sir, has your daughter told you which of those two fucked her first?' total silence. the closest thing i've ever seen to an eastenders drums moment
Don't leave us hanging
sheepish looks while clearly incredibly proud that they'd been outed as colchester's number 1 lethario double act. the teacher tried to be terrifying while clearly coming to terms with the fact that these two spotty little scrotes had both had a go on his 15 year old daughter. the kid who broke the story had the facial expression of bender at the end of the breakfast club as he got given his saturday detention (and to get the bus in to school, in full uniform, from clacton (shithole), on a saturday). obvs was worth it
There was a massive trade in them at my school. Wham bars, refreshers, blackjacks, irnbru bars and chomps mainly. Maybe others. Bought for 10p each (or stolen) on the way to school and sold for 20p a pop. Dabbled in it a bit myself, gradually the industry evolved and some kids started to dominated certain patches - Mark on the tennis courts (I sometimes worked with him) and Stefan on the astroturf are the ones I remember. Eventually Bob achieved overall dominance by threatening and indeed physically bullying the lower dealers out of the market until he was eventually expelled for something else and as far as I know the trade died out. Proper mafia stuff.
but some people still sold the more harder to find items
we had a kid in maths, lets call him 'steven andrews'
we used to blame everything on him.
someone would chuck something, teacher is all 'who was that!?' and then in unison, in a weird sing song voice, the whole class responds 'steven andrews', someone's making a noise whilst we are having a test, tecaher is all 'who is making that noise?' and we all respond 'steven andrews'
did this for years i think, was great innocent fun, really would up Mrs whatever her anme was.
especially good when it actually was steven andrews making mischeive
Who broke the window? Year 11s. Who wrote "Mr Dyson is a twat" on the desk? Year 11s. Who pushed the bookcase over? Year 11s.
Then we got to Year 11 and started blaming it on Year 10s instead.
spraying Lynx on each other's bags and blazers then lighting it.
making flame throwers with lynx and big evian bottles. Great fun.
i'd left by then
Also - brilliant future bants 'hahaha your dad can't get a stiffy' etc etc
i think mr lee found the body
I might be pushed to react in that way
and Al realised if you just hooked a wire up between the + and - and just whacked the wattage up it would start glowing white-hot. We were mucking about doing this when the teacher started walking over so Al, in a fit of panic, decided to try and hide the still glowing-hot wire UP HIS TIE, setting his tie on fire in the process.
"MUM HOW DO YOU GET THE OVEN TO WORK?"
was a completely unfair whole-class detention thing after a supply teacher didn’t turn up and, shockingly, we didn’t spend an hour teaching ourselves history.
After school a couple of days later our extremely strict Head of History gave us an hour to write an essay on the Boer War. I, feeling aggrieved, decided to wilfully misinterpret this ‘with hilarious consequences’ and wrote about 8 sides of A4 on an imaginary war between boars (clever, eh?) and other woodland creatures. Got about halfway through, realised this was both a massive mistake and not very funny at all but that I also now had no option but to plough on until the grim end. (At least the Boar Republican Army gave me a funny acronym.)
Handed it in. Didn’t tell anyone else. Spent the night expecting to get suspended the next morning. Nothing happened. Next history lesson the teacher reads out the whole essay for the class who, fortunately, found it funny. Then he shouted at me for a very, very long time. After class he told me to rewrite the essay properly at home and we’d forget all about it. #boarbants
once a kid tried to climb out the window during chemistry, gripped either side of the window (the type that opened out on a hinge) and proceeded to pull himself forward thus smashing his face through the window.
some one in my PE class fell off the gym horse and started crying, so was obviously ripped mercilessly, two months later it turned out he had been walking around with a broken neck and had only survived by some freak of nature miracle.
a friend of mine, brought in his walkmen he got for christmas and proudly declared it indestructible (he was a bit careless so his mum had got him a really substantial one), upon hearing this another friend took the walkman and threw it to the ground smashing it, friend 1 looked up in disbelief looking at everyone around, but there was a silent consensus in the air of 'harsh but fair, you shouldnt have said it was indestructible'