"It's quite a funny name for a disease isn't it: 'Shingles'"
was in fact last tuesday
atleast they realised it was stupid immediately after saying it
repeat ad nauseum every cunting day
"It's pure roastin in here, open the door"
Suddenly there is a spate of happenings.....
the phone bill shot up...
my free time is a thing of past...
my hangouts are long forgotten...
from torn jeans to trim suits...
Dhabhas to candle light dinners...
Friday night parties to Saturday evening temples...
and.. I am feeling good about it.
The time has come when I bid good bye to my single status and follow the natural progression of life.
As I begin my new life, We invite you to be a witness of sweetest moment of our life.
and also for knowing that a bunch of strangers on the internet are laughing at his very personal and -presumably carefully crafted - poem. Argh.
with the guys in the Indian offices
"ARE YOU NOT MOVED?"
Someone here suggested doing a Google image search on the keywords, because Google are a pretty innovative company and their images are the kind we need.
It was like a visual representation of the very worst meetings you can ever sit through.
'We aim to try'
'I'm a genii'
Inform your colleagues immediately.
"I think Mr (redacted) should punch (students name) to be honest"
Me: "Who's singular glove is this *holds up solitary glove*?"
Student: "Have you asked Michael Jackson."
Today some were singing Santa Claus is coming to town but saying my name instead of Santa Claus.
A chap who retired from our office last year popped in to say hello.
Colleague: "How's retirement treating you then?"
Colleague: "How's retirement?"
Colleague: "I said: HOW'S RETIREMENT?"
Retiree: "Good thanks. I think I'm going a bit deaf though."
"about as much use as tits on tarzan"
Gonna nick it as my own for social situations
Colleague 2: "Why, what happened in 1984?"
was quite annoying.
Excuse: "I've been awake since 2am"
Bought some stale, tasteless ginger biscuits at the airport though but they're still in my bag.
my sexy legal friend. Jaws hit floors.
Is that right?
I think he meant 'we need to talk to clients'
= We need to add a 2014 tab to the spreadsheet.
R: Where? I can't even bring myself to say that it's so ridiculous
My cousin had her wedding cake from there. it cost about a grand though. FOR A CAKE.
I refuse to go somewhere called Choccywoccycuntingdoodahs
he doesn't know who Fred West is!
Who's this bloke?
Darwin? Theory of Evolution?
Humans descended from Apes, hence the ape on the coin as well?
What, that's real?!
Well bloody hell. You learn something everyday I guess. Chris said this to me a bit ago, thought she was bloody jokin' didn't I! *Walks away shaking her head and tittering to herself*
didn't know there was a darwin 2 pound coin
But had to give the warehouse fella a written warning recently because he cuts out pictures of ladies from his paper and keeps a scrapbook of them. Incredibly terrifying when I think about it. I try not to.
He still does it.
Have I told that before?
meaning Dorothy Perkins, that was a bit annoying
another, not a work colleague but a kid in costa before work
"mummy, I want a babychino"
I was checking out of the guesthouse as this extremely posh couple with little girl checked in. Just as I was leaving, I heard the mother say, 'there's nothing to worry about darling, a guesthouse is just like a smaller hotel'.
gotta steal that
cos it looks like dead fish
were meant to be like the coloureds in district 9. You might not get it, but in South Africa, the coloureds lived seperately, and went to different schools and the such."
By way of introducing themselves, everyone on the course had to announce what they'd wanted to be when they were child, some other person on the course said he'd wanted to be a software architect and now he is.
"er, we were meant to have a meeting 7 or 8 minutes ago man'
no I was too late and got bumped
in reference to the airport (i just am, OK?).
guy in the office (not joking) - "are you wearing that because JFK is your favourite airport?"
because the t-shirt was annoying him.
It sounds like he thinks you're a bit 'random' and it's starting to do his head in
he genuinely thought i'd wear a t-shirt declaring my favourite airport.
what sort of signals are you giving out to come across as the type of man who'd wear a tshirt declaring his favourite airport?
not sure why he went for JFK.
JFK LAX HED
it's got a picture of an airplane on it and LAX and JFK either side.
Wearing a t-shirt with JFK on it could reasonably indicate that it is amongst your favourite airports, no?
of the guy in school who had a picture of a cruise liner sellotaped to his folder
"she was naked and you could see her flower"
do you work in the court of a medieval king?
can you ask him what his favourite airport is?
because it's conveniently close to his castle
I just don't see the point."
Although I am about 95% sure that this woman is a robot.
Over and over and over again.
JUST GO PEE THEN.
such a hard worker
That's exactly what she says.
This is someone that blocks out 2 hours in her outlook calendar to export a csv file and add a totals row at the bottom.
Can't stand the guy either so enjoyed ripping the pish on this one.
"Can you say "groping the concept" in English?"
where it was found that they got more tips/more private dances if they were ovulating.
Sorry, I need a breather before I type this one.
This client is practically royalty, in business tems. It's the way my boss was all, feet up on desk, swinging in his chair. SCHMOOOOOZING and then effectively aiid he wsd going to pish over the client.
he didn't really say that at all though so he's OK I guess
Schmoooozing away, taling about verbiers, the RUGGER and suych like, and then turn to business wherte the client is clesarly asking him if we can send him a tenolate contract or note for somthing. NOOO PROBLEMO,m says my boss, I'LL JUST PISH THAT OVER TO YOU RIGHT AWAY.
ahahaaha. He meant Ping.
Serves him right for being an idiot who says ping.
He on;y realised what he'd said when he put the phone down and said Oh Pish, I said Pish, did I say Pish?
I like him a lot better after this.
Should have march them down to HR
love a kiwi accent
come back pls
"I don't know how to say that in my accent."
who asked me to fix his spreadsheet because it had "run out of formulas".
"Could you resend that BLT email please?"
I don't know why her dyslexia annoys me so much. But it does.
she meant race
and czech republic
"Bob Dylan sounds exactly like Mr Burns"
"Honestly, what a stupid thing to say? 'I ain't got time to bleed'?"
I considered killing them but as I didn't have ol' Painless I felt there would have been a missing layer of irony. KIDS TODAY!
NOTHING IT'S NOTHING
Said yesterday whilst attempting to drive us to a meeting and claiming to know the way despite very obviously being lost.
just said to me:
him - "Morning. Happy Birthday...is it your birthday today?"
me - "no. thanks though."
...5 minutes later, in the kitchen...
him - "Happy Birthday"
and see if anyone notices/cares
before [redacted] gets in.
EVERY SINGLE MORNING. I KNOW! And also YES I WILL SHUT THE FUCKING WINDOW IF I AM COLD
OMG, I LITERALLY have no time to do any work today.
I need to pee so much I might LITERALLY explode, IMNOTEVENKIDDING.
You might say I'd literally come full circle with it. However, when my colleague described herself as "LITERALLY bombing down the motorway" I realised it was too good to last.
Colleague: so what are you doing friday, coming out for a drink?
Me: I dunno what i'm doing yet...
Colleague: you're just being vague in case you get a better offer
Me: yeah... that's fair, i was, SEE YA FRIDAY
"sorry for that email I sent last night, I was really drunk and I am deeply sorry" then walks off
I had to IM him like a nosey fucker and say 'LOL, what did your drunken email say, I just HAVE to know'
Turns out it was just about getting removed from a DL but he felt his tone was a little bit aggressive after reading it back this morning. BORING
..just look at them, they're incredible"
did they look good?
I will withhold comment.
but I've just witnessed someone making poached eggs in the microwave. Fuck off mate.
"The Scotland defender was inspecting two eggs he had just poached in his microwave when one of them blew up and squirted scalding hot water into his face."
The fact that Kirk Broadfoot was an international footballer is deeply depressing though.
as if he wasn't having breakfast, just fucking about to see what would happen if he put some eggs in a microwave.
(talking about a male client's luscious mane of hair)
Can't they see I'm too busy to call them back??"
I replied 'that's what she said!'. Elicited a chuckle and a muttered 'for fucks sake'.
who regularly just turns up 2 hours late without any explanation, just asked if it was ok to miss a meeting going on now (which is like an important final sign-off type thing) because she was planning to eat her lunch that she brought in at 1pm.
"I don't like the heading 'Responsible party'. I prefer' Next action owner'. It's clearer."
"he had a picture of osama bin laden on his phone" (in response to being questioned as to why she and a crew member had got off the tube three stops too early, about a fellow passenger.
"i don't know what i'd do with my time if i didn't work every day"
me: "write or something? you want to write don't you?"
"yes but it would be sooo boring wouldn't it?"
there are loads from both her and her office-wanking husband.
"Yeah, the wife got it for my birthday."
"What's that it says on the side?"
*holds mug up and reads aloud*
Have you got that ready?
No sorry I'm a little betwixt and between at the moment
That's ok cathy you finish your twix
today I'm in a different office and this woman in the corner every 30 minutes will do 5 heavy breathing pants
maybe she's dying
so probably not
"We're losing our way of life" etc. I reckon I should get a medal not for caving their heads in with a stapler.
I might just ask him to test out the two different methods on himself to see which is more humane.
a few minutes after complaining about racism
love saying 'he's throwing a tanty'
needlessly to say they just got chucked out a window
How do you even get an otter?
'What's feminism? I thought it was just hating men?'
they are no longer with the company.
which translates as "I'M COOOMING!!!!!".
She should have said Je viens.
to effectively say, I'll be there in a mo
... She might've gotten away with it had it not been for the caps and exclamation marks
Do you think they'll play Angels at his funeral?
there was similar Robbie/Robin confusion in our office this morning but nothing this good/bad
'Im peeing a lot today'
'Have you drunk a lot of water? I sometimes find if I drink a lot of water I need to pee a lot'
"That's why I like the AK47. It works with a 7.62mm round."
He wants to discuss the concept of a microwaveable tree.
"oh wow, Cuba is like the Isle of White of Florida!"
About if she's ever killed anyone back home, after she admits to having shot a potential car-jacker once:
"I'd rather not talk about it..."
Black delivery driver comes in. Awkward exchange. He leaves.
Boss 1: Why didn't he call me boss then?
*Other bosses laugh*
Boss 2: Why, what was he?
Boss 1: Looked Ghanaian. And they do normally call us boss tbf. It's quite weird when it happens. But they're still in that colonial mindset I suppose.
Boss 3: Yeah, it's like in the Phillippines. We had some of them in our office once and they refused to sit down until all the whites were sat down. Used to say *yes he did the accent* 'Oh please sir don't offend me sit sit sit'
Boss 2: Did you see the Who Do You Think You Are on that Reggie Yates?
Boss 3: Did I fuck. Why the fuck would I want to watch that 'Ooh yeah, black black black' Fuck off
Yes, these people still exist. Yes, I work with them. Crossed my mind to just walk out on the spot. Too cowardly. :(
There is one main one who is in a constant state of muttering. Others have learned to tune it out, as sometimes it is the kind of muttering which tries to suck people in. "Oh, fancy that eh? Ha!" which then leads to a dull conversation. He is often on the phone, I think it is just a prop as even he has realised how stupid he sounds.
Client describing a presumably unsatisfactory outcome.
The Queen has sent her first tweet!
YOU'RE THE BEST AROOOOOOOOOUND
NOTHING'S EVER GONNA KEEP YOU DOWN
YOU'RE THE BEST AROUUUUUUUND
DODODODOOD BABABABABABABABAAAAA DO DO DO DOOOO
Boss: Good work.
she smoked all the way through the pregnancy, prompting our secretary to ask "if it's a long labour, will they let you pop out for a fag halfway through?"
Me: How was your weekend in Amsterdam?
Employee, 21: It was good thanks... I took LSD one night and the police had to escort me home. I was so high I thought I was in a mental hospital.
"My friend likes to suck off her boyfriend while he's taking a shit"
two colleagues talking amongst themselves about how all "islams" (meaning extremists) "should be gassed and shot"
colleague 1: " i hope my trip to disneyland in the spring isn't cancelled because of the muslims"
colleague 2: "and mine to amsterdam as well... the islams are the ones you have to worry about, the muslims aren't 'bang bang', don't have guns."
me: "eh? islam is the religion of muslims"
colleague: "no it's not, they're two separate people and religions"
'because he likes a pint and a fag'
didn't think this was a real opinion
colleague 1 and 2 have both never voted, have no interest in politics
colleage 2: "everyone hates ukip but they've got a point about immigration, what do you think georgia?"
me: "i think their policies are awful and frankly an insult to the people they're preying on - they're playing on people's fear and ignorance for votes"
colleague 2: "what do you mean. don't tell me that they're wrong cause people come from this country to my street and get the lot, from the philippines and africa, all of the benefits"
me: "not all immigrants can claim all benefits. it's a lot harder for people to get anything 'straight away' than most think, particularly those coming outside of the eu that aren't working, seeking asylum or refuge"
colleague 2: "no it's not, you don't know what you're talking about at all"
pretty sure colleague 2 wants/jokes about "them all" being killed
I misheard this as Jedi and said 'Did you just say Jedi Road?'
Then some comedy genius piped up with 'May the force be with you' and everyone starts laughing. I just wanted to walk out
nobody has been protein deficient in the first world since the 50s"
they mix them up really loudly and in a showy way too. I want to say something but just can't be arsed. I know they are basically demonstrating how healthy they are or how they are building muscle mass or something and will go into a cod science spiel about it.
on that UKIP councillor.
not a quote as such, but I invited my colleague to go and see the band Viet Cong and she happily accepted, only to decline a day or so, later when she realised I wasn't talking about a vietnamese restaurant.
Twenty six years old. Two degrees, one from Oxford.*
*there's a decent burrito place there
'Oooh it's a cheap round!'
On a lighter note someone else said 'I'm going to take it to the Google' with no sense of irony
as a 'Solo YOLO'
dim colleague: What does YOLO stand for?
Us: You only live once
Dim colleague: OK. And what about solo?
which is usually fish."
'I put Red Bull in white wine because i don't like wine'
Don't link your Instagram account so that it posts directly to Facebook and Twitter, that's "lazy social".
Always put a full stop at the start of your tweets, it shows in more timelines.
It is surprising how a lot of people don't know that though.
only ever to Twitter, which posts across to fb. my friends probably hate me.
"It's going to be really emosh."
Context: woman in her 30s.
, like beggars."
In his 60s. I asked him what he's been doing today "fucking moving fucking shit around as per fucking usual".
one of them telling me he found out who had been drawing willies on the walls by seeing her do it to frosty car windows
some people only pay the licence fee for top gear
Nick Nolte and Nick Knowles
i can't download anything because this one is full. it's only 6 months old!!!!
as 'envelopes' the verb, they are now trying to defend this by saying either is acceptable for both words. nope
you couldn't make it up!
asked me to send them a copy of the client "presso"
and i can't walk downstairs now
He actually said
"Stans been victimising me since I threatened to knock him out"
Actual tears, i'm in bits at my desk :D
"I've think we should use a unicorn in the branding, to indicate rarity"
Unicorns are rare, apparently.
- don't say it's "interesting". "interesting" means it's shit.