Boards

Apparently it's on in the US, though I haven't heard anything about it over here. In the US it airs on the Esquire Network - yes, the magazine has its own channel. Here's a review of it I found, which really makes me want to watch it more than anything:

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Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Are you ready? Are you prepared for Brew Dogs? Because this is where the Esquire Network goes off the raaaaaaaaaaails!!!!!

Brew Dogs is the tale of two plucky Scottish lads who like beer a lot. Just how much do they like beer, you're probably not wondering, because who sits around and wonders about the quantities of unquantifiable concepts like that? Well, dear viewer, these guys like beer SO MUCH that "they've even brewed beer at the bottom of the north Atlantic"!!! [Blurry footage of two people SCUBA diving, Scottishly.]

Which brings up the burning question at the heart of every fucking second of Brew Dogs:

WHY.

WHY.

WHY.

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS.

WHY WOULD YOU BREW BEER AT THE BOTTOM OF THE NORTH ATLANTIC, AND HOW IS THAT EVIDENCE OF BEING THE WORLD'S #1 BEER FAN AND NOT THE WORLD'S #1 WORST PLAN-MAKER.

The premise of Brew Dogs is that the two dudes travel the globe visiting all the best craft breweries, teaching the viewers about the mechanics of beer, and brewing totally X-TREME new beers where'er they go. Along the way, they've vowed to convert "one million craft beer virgins" [Honey Boo-Boo dry-heaving dot gif].

In this first episode, the Brew Dogs head to San Diego, which is apparently populated with "hop maniacs" and therefore very very famous for crafting the finest muffins and IPAs in all the land. After stopping by a local brewery to let the proprietor know that they're about to do his job better than him, the lads get started on their mission to brew THE ULTIMATE SAN DIEGO BEER [ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF]. They decide that to really make it the ultimatest, they need to add three X-TREME San Diego ingredients.

The first ingredient they choose is kelp from the Pacific Ocean. Sensibly, the Brew Dogs realize, to harvest the kelp they'll definitely 100% need to go surfing [acoustic guitar riff]. So they do that [ukulele string breaking].

The second ingredient they choose is THE HOTTEST CHILI PEPPER ON THE ENTIRE EARTH [MONSTER TRUCK CRUSHING THE KOOL-AID MAN]. This pepper is so spicy, it's way more like poison than food [Kool-Aid Man poisoning 100 stegosauruses]. What a great "ingredient" to put in your food! You are truly crafting the most x-tremely unpleasant thing-to-put-in-your-mouth that San Diego has seen since the Real World! (Heyo!)

The third ingredient that they choose is rosemary. [Jemima Puddle-Duck poking through the medicine cabinet for some Zzzquil.]

So, it's time to brew the ultimate San Diego beer, right? WRONG. That wouldn't be x-treme at all, bozo. There's one more step: "All that remains is to figure out a way to brew it that's never been done before."

Okay. How about...IN A MOVING TRAIN?

Okay, so the thing about a moving train is that it's a train. It's not a brewery. So in order to turn it into a brewery, they have to build a brewery in it. That results in the Brew Dogs having this conversation (paraphrased) with the guy who manages the historic train car that they rent for their horrible fucking idea:

Brew Dogs: So, how much of this dumb furniture can we get rid of?

Normal Human Man: None of it. This is a historic train car. The seats are bolted down.

Brew Dogs: Okay, so where can we put the open propane flames?

Normal Human Man: You cannot have open propane flames on a moving train car. It is literally the law.

Brew Dogs: [Confused silence.]

Normal Human Man: Let's back up. Do you know what a train...is?

Brew Dogs: [PEEL OUT IN A LAMBORGHINI SHAPED LIKE AN AIR JORDAN]

Leaving their engineer "friend" to sort out how to make beer in a train that is very much not a brewery, the Brew Dogs head to an old folks' home to try and convert some "craft beer virgins." They play dominos with some hornay old ladies and one of the Brew Dogs takes his top off. The ladies are like, "OooooOOOOooOooOOooOoh, don't mind if I DO!!!" and they all laugh. (Idea for a Brew Dogs spin-off: Old Chicks Gotta Have It! in which the Brew Dogs go around taking their tops off in front of old chicks who gotta have it.)

Meanwhile, the engineer guy has wasted an unjustifiable amount of his life making this completely unnecessary gimmick work for no reason whatsoever. Huzzah! (Don't forget, guy: all of your work is going to get thrown in the garbage later!) The Brew Dogs go over to the train station to recruit some passengers for their beer train, a process that goes something like this:

Brew Dogs: Are you waiting for a train?

People Just Trynna Live: Yeah.

Brew Dogs: Well have you ever ridden a train...WITH BEER?

People Just Trynna Live: I mean...you can buy, like, Amstel Light on the Amtrak—

Brew Dogs: BREW DOGS!!!

Then they kidnap the people and force them to ride on their Willy Wonka helltrain to nowhere that probably smells like molten ass, because have you ever walked past a brewery, man? It's like a paper mill fucked a hard-boiled egg. Now imagine that's happening, plus you're locked in a Pringles can with two lunatic Scotsmen.

As it turns out, it's not easy to brew beer on a moving train, mainly because brewing beer involves vats of boiling liquid, and a moving train is a train that is moving. I'm pretty sure that's at least in the top 5 reasons why people brew beer in breweries instead of on fucking trains.

Train ride over! Now it's time to drink the beer! The Brew Dogs corral all these people in some sort of oubliette and make them all drink the kelp-poison-rosemary train-beer. Everyone's pretty nice about it because they're on TV, and you can't help but want to root for the Brew Dogs because of their x-treme pluckiness, but basically all the beer-testers say various iterations of, "I wouldn't just drink it, per se, but I acknowledge that it is indeed beer," and "HOOOOOOO, WOW, OKAY, THIS IS VERY SPICY FOR WHAT IS TECHNICALLY SUPPOSED TO BE A HUMAN BEVERAGE AND NOT A CHEMICAL WEAPON."

On the next episode of Brew Dogs, set in San Francisco, "we're going to take a fog, turn it into a beer, and turn it back into a fog." Yo, for the two guys in the world who like beer the most, you sure seem to put a lot of obstacles in between you and actually drinking beer. But you do you, Brew Dogs.

I am going to watch every episode of this show ever made, and when it gets canceled I am going to write an outraged letter to everyone. On earth.