Boards
Brew Dog has its own TV show.
Apparently it's on in the US, though I haven't heard anything about it over here. In the US it airs on the Esquire Network - yes, the magazine has its own channel. Here's a review of it I found, which really makes me want to watch it more than anything:
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Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Are you ready? Are you prepared for Brew Dogs? Because this is where the Esquire Network goes off the raaaaaaaaaaails!!!!!
Brew Dogs is the tale of two plucky Scottish lads who like beer a lot. Just how much do they like beer, you're probably not wondering, because who sits around and wonders about the quantities of unquantifiable concepts like that? Well, dear viewer, these guys like beer SO MUCH that "they've even brewed beer at the bottom of the north Atlantic"!!! [Blurry footage of two people SCUBA diving, Scottishly.]
Which brings up the burning question at the heart of every fucking second of Brew Dogs:
WHY.
WHY.
WHY.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS.
WHY WOULD YOU BREW BEER AT THE BOTTOM OF THE NORTH ATLANTIC, AND HOW IS THAT EVIDENCE OF BEING THE WORLD'S #1 BEER FAN AND NOT THE WORLD'S #1 WORST PLAN-MAKER.
The premise of Brew Dogs is that the two dudes travel the globe visiting all the best craft breweries, teaching the viewers about the mechanics of beer, and brewing totally X-TREME new beers where'er they go. Along the way, they've vowed to convert "one million craft beer virgins" [Honey Boo-Boo dry-heaving dot gif].
In this first episode, the Brew Dogs head to San Diego, which is apparently populated with "hop maniacs" and therefore very very famous for crafting the finest muffins and IPAs in all the land. After stopping by a local brewery to let the proprietor know that they're about to do his job better than him, the lads get started on their mission to brew THE ULTIMATE SAN DIEGO BEER [ELECTRIC GUITAR RIFF]. They decide that to really make it the ultimatest, they need to add three X-TREME San Diego ingredients.
The first ingredient they choose is kelp from the Pacific Ocean. Sensibly, the Brew Dogs realize, to harvest the kelp they'll definitely 100% need to go surfing [acoustic guitar riff]. So they do that [ukulele string breaking].
The second ingredient they choose is THE HOTTEST CHILI PEPPER ON THE ENTIRE EARTH [MONSTER TRUCK CRUSHING THE KOOL-AID MAN]. This pepper is so spicy, it's way more like poison than food [Kool-Aid Man poisoning 100 stegosauruses]. What a great "ingredient" to put in your food! You are truly crafting the most x-tremely unpleasant thing-to-put-in-your-mouth that San Diego has seen since the Real World! (Heyo!)
The third ingredient that they choose is rosemary. [Jemima Puddle-Duck poking through the medicine cabinet for some Zzzquil.]
So, it's time to brew the ultimate San Diego beer, right? WRONG. That wouldn't be x-treme at all, bozo. There's one more step: "All that remains is to figure out a way to brew it that's never been done before."
Okay. How about...IN A MOVING TRAIN?
Okay, so the thing about a moving train is that it's a train. It's not a brewery. So in order to turn it into a brewery, they have to build a brewery in it. That results in the Brew Dogs having this conversation (paraphrased) with the guy who manages the historic train car that they rent for their horrible fucking idea:
Brew Dogs: So, how much of this dumb furniture can we get rid of?
Normal Human Man: None of it. This is a historic train car. The seats are bolted down.
Brew Dogs: Okay, so where can we put the open propane flames?
Normal Human Man: You cannot have open propane flames on a moving train car. It is literally the law.
Brew Dogs: [Confused silence.]
Normal Human Man: Let's back up. Do you know what a train...is?
Brew Dogs: [PEEL OUT IN A LAMBORGHINI SHAPED LIKE AN AIR JORDAN]
Leaving their engineer "friend" to sort out how to make beer in a train that is very much not a brewery, the Brew Dogs head to an old folks' home to try and convert some "craft beer virgins." They play dominos with some hornay old ladies and one of the Brew Dogs takes his top off. The ladies are like, "OooooOOOOooOooOOooOoh, don't mind if I DO!!!" and they all laugh. (Idea for a Brew Dogs spin-off: Old Chicks Gotta Have It! in which the Brew Dogs go around taking their tops off in front of old chicks who gotta have it.)
Meanwhile, the engineer guy has wasted an unjustifiable amount of his life making this completely unnecessary gimmick work for no reason whatsoever. Huzzah! (Don't forget, guy: all of your work is going to get thrown in the garbage later!) The Brew Dogs go over to the train station to recruit some passengers for their beer train, a process that goes something like this:
Brew Dogs: Are you waiting for a train?
People Just Trynna Live: Yeah.
Brew Dogs: Well have you ever ridden a train...WITH BEER?
People Just Trynna Live: I mean...you can buy, like, Amstel Light on the Amtrak—
Brew Dogs: BREW DOGS!!!
Then they kidnap the people and force them to ride on their Willy Wonka helltrain to nowhere that probably smells like molten ass, because have you ever walked past a brewery, man? It's like a paper mill fucked a hard-boiled egg. Now imagine that's happening, plus you're locked in a Pringles can with two lunatic Scotsmen.
As it turns out, it's not easy to brew beer on a moving train, mainly because brewing beer involves vats of boiling liquid, and a moving train is a train that is moving. I'm pretty sure that's at least in the top 5 reasons why people brew beer in breweries instead of on fucking trains.
Train ride over! Now it's time to drink the beer! The Brew Dogs corral all these people in some sort of oubliette and make them all drink the kelp-poison-rosemary train-beer. Everyone's pretty nice about it because they're on TV, and you can't help but want to root for the Brew Dogs because of their x-treme pluckiness, but basically all the beer-testers say various iterations of, "I wouldn't just drink it, per se, but I acknowledge that it is indeed beer," and "HOOOOOOO, WOW, OKAY, THIS IS VERY SPICY FOR WHAT IS TECHNICALLY SUPPOSED TO BE A HUMAN BEVERAGE AND NOT A CHEMICAL WEAPON."
On the next episode of Brew Dogs, set in San Francisco, "we're going to take a fog, turn it into a beer, and turn it back into a fog." Yo, for the two guys in the world who like beer the most, you sure seem to put a lot of obstacles in between you and actually drinking beer. But you do you, Brew Dogs.
I am going to watch every episode of this show ever made, and when it gets canceled I am going to write an outraged letter to everyone. On earth.
standard brusma post about brew dog
I am FURIOUS
who would read all those words?
no-one, that's who!
they're some good words
i enjoyed reading them
Have you been licking frogs again?
This is odd.
no, your mums withered pussy
tastes so disgusing it makes me high! I'll never make a mum joke again
um. sorry
your words appeared under mine. your mums pussy is a1
I'm glad you approve
You know how we all said that Heston Blumental had lost it when his TV show
became a food version of Top Gear/James May challenge show?
Well these guys never had it to begin with.
that review would've been readable if mute-branches had done it
Train-smash
rebuild
Somebody posted a link to the trailer for this a while back
It looked horrendous.
i was out with an american friend the other day and mentioned brew dog and he shuddered at the name
never thought of this, but in america, brew dog means a frat boy jock dawwgg who sinks loadsa brewskis
Thanks for bringing this to my attention
Looks dire.
I am not going to watch this television show.
I am, however, going to continue to visit BrewDog establishments and drink BrewDog beverages.
SCAB!
There's one opening about 5 minutes from my flat next month.
Gonna absolutely rinse that 15% takeaway discount
Where are they opening a new one?
about 5 minutes from dk's flat
keep up
15% takeaway booze discount?
Surely that's still more expensive than buying it direct from Tesco or Sainbsurys?
Good luck buying most of BrewDog's stock from Tesco or Sainsburys
if you can go to a big tesco
you can get quite a lot of it
Yeah. Even the Sainsburys in Colliers Wood sells 4 different ones
Red flavour, blue flavour, green flavour, and dark blue flavour.
I don't buy it though
because it's an 'aggressive beer' 'not a lowest common denominator beer'.
BrewDog stocks more than BrewDog beers
Just sounds like a travelogue programme
but for complete cunts.
I hope you all enjoy your mass-produced, chemical tasting, empty fizzy shit lager!
PUNK4LIFE!
my friend bought me a share in brewdog. so drink it
Craft beer wankers.
Can you keep writing these reviews please?
This programme sounds fun in a Man vs Food kind of way. We went to Brewdog Mcr the other week, a man was sick on a table
This isn't my review, I half-inched it from here:
http://jezebel.com/god-help-me-i-watched-the-esquire-network-for-24-hours-1410021490
I said in the OP that was a review I found!
as if i read the op
i mean, i read almost all of it, just not the first bit it seems
has anyone said Brew Dog & the Dweebs yet?
if not, I'm saying it now
I read some of those words and was mildly amused but uaah maybe no thanks
Guys: Craft Beer.
Alright.
That review is really funny
I didn't know those two guys actually referred to themselves as 'The Brew Dogs'
i know it's already been said...
but i can't believe how fucking long that OP is.