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'Would you like a cup of tea?'
'No I'm good thanks'
'I didn't ask how you were, I asked if you wanted a cup of tea'.
What did your last slave die of?
You daft brush
He didn't do what he was told.
how long's tea gonna be?
~ 10 inches
oblig. stewart lee reference:
give it to me straight, like a pear cider made from 100% pears
no, his family say 'pears'. the advert says 'pear', which leads to him riffing for ~10 minutes on the fact that this suggests there is one massive pear they use to make Magner's cider
My dad says 'NO, YOU'RE RIGHT!'
Whenever somebody says 'duck', he ducks.
Whenever somebody says custard, he says CUSTARD@S LAST STAND.
As you can imagine, mealtimes at Ouef Towers are scintillating.
a proper dad with proper jokes
that place is popular; folk are dying to get in there.
that's the dead centre of town
I'll see you through the windae
she says 'absolutely killing' as well.
(plus numerous other celebrities, all of whom are absolutely fine imo).
were you born in a barn
who's she/her, the cat's mother / queen of sheba
"st helens!" - i can't see the television
"born in a barn?" - you've left the door open
"eager beaver" - don't know
"FUCK OFF" - you're being silly
my dad always grabs his elbow in pain and says "ahhh, me tidge!
He's 40 and i'm 38
You were a mistake
why can't you be more like you your brother?
he would never post a typo on an internet message board
They think I don't drink enough.
(''mother'' pronounced to rhyme with ''bother'')
'It's like Blackpool Illuminations up there'
Father-in-Law - usually jokes about Brummies (did you hear about the School of Speech in Birmingham... or people (Woolleybacks)from Bedworth or Nuneaton (treacle town)
Thought it was exclusively scouse
(I've given up trying to explain)
> places past events with reference to medical procedures/illnesses e.g. ''Queen's visit to Derby.... that would've been.... 1977! The year Elsie had her hysterectomy.''
> when asked how old someone is, will always (without fail!) not tell you how old they are now, but will tell you how old they are going to be ''next birthday''
a number of years back. Very rarely see the cousins, uncle & aunt, so the whole thing was a little bit awkward from the offset. Fortunately everything was going better than expected, but there was still that socially awkward thing where most of the conversations were across table including everyone with one person speaking at a time rather than splintering off to smaller chats, but it was still as good as could be hoped for.
My cousin David, who was 16 at the time, looked like he'd been hit by the puberty bus then had it reverse back over his acne ridden face enough times to leave him a cripplingly shy and quiet boy who barely spoke a word the whole time. It seemed my brother had noticed this also and in an effort to help him join in during a lull in the conversation, my bro said to him "So David, are you courting?" which caused the entire table to erupt with laughter.
Whilst we all laughed away at the cliche behind the antiquated phrase which summed up the familial awkwardness everyone felt, I looked over at David whose face made clear that his interpretation was very different. He looked utterly destroyed. I can only assume that he thought everyone at the table found the idea of him having a girlfriend so hilarious that they all cracked up laughing. It was as though he was doing everything he could not to cry, which no-one else seemed to notice as they were all too busy laughing hard.
Haven't seen him since, that was about 10 years ago. He's a doctor now.
etc etc etc etc
"Yes, but don't make it 'to week' - because that would be a fortnight"
'more tea vicar' whenever he farts. Also exclaims 'well, i'll go the the foot of out stairs' when feigning surprise.
'they have big knockers and plenty of brass'
"Friday. All day"
to mean she doesn't mind something. It's difficult to describe, but it makes sense in the situation (a bit). Like if someone asks her something, and if she minded then people would think she was being a bit mard, "My name's Croft not soft". That doesn't make sense but yeah. She's the funniest person I've ever met and this is my favourite thing that she does
But the first thing that popped into my head was the various insults we hurl at each other that are consistently reused my various family members directed at other family members. We would never dare call anyone any of these names outside the family.
Also my dad constantly says fabulous to describe good but mundane things. Like a fabulous meal. Or a fabulous house. He pronounces it terribly as well. IT DRIVES ME MENTAL.
I love the way he says it <3
Whenever 'work' is mentioned he says: "work? What's that?" (he's been retired for 3 years)
If a light has been left on and no-one is in the room: "is there a reason why this light is on?" or "I'll turn this light off shall I?"
If he sees one of those stuffed animal heads on a wall - "that *insert name of animal* must have been going at a fair old lick when he hit that!"
"YOU DON'T/DO GET THAT ON A CRUISE SHIP!" - whenever anyone talks about food/holidays.
If a member of the family says something like "oh my baby is learning/doing this..." or something, my dad will say "Ross was like that...but then last year he managed it!" or something equally in the style of "and then I got off the bus/25 years old I was..."
Constantly referring to me as a student, even though I've been in employment for 8 years.
He doesn't say this anymore, but when I was learning to drive, after each lesson he would ask "did you maim any old ladies today?"
That although these are all painful and made us roll our eyes as kids, I bet loads of us have started doing these to our own kids...
even though I'm not a dad.
I did a few of them in my Uni days to my housemates, there is something innate that just enjoys making people roll their eyes, or reusing tired "jokes". This was honed in the years that followed, I now have a one year old daughter and by the time she is 11 and we are on 3 hour car rides to amusement parks I will pretty much just be speaking in terrible puns and odd sayings.
And variations thereon. Never heard this from anyone else but my dad.
really famous saying
He's the only person I know that says it.
Is that the Chatanooga Choo Choo?
That's an old favourite of my mum's, though she's not said/sang it in a while now!
Me: "Do you want a regular cup of tea or a darjeeling?"
My dad: "Yes".
one of my (teenage) brothers was supposed to be helping by sorting out drinks but, because he was taking far too long with it, my sister ended up doing them for him. He took this as a slight on his drink making ability, flew into an enormous tantrum and poured the contents of everyone’s glasses into the sink yelling “SOME PEOPLE MIGHT WANT MILK.”
This is now what we shout when someone overreacts, gets angry and starts causing themselves problems (like an alternative to ‘don’t cut off your nose to spite your face’). My brother still doesn't find it funny.
has so many strange sayings:
"I don't know that person from Adam's house cat" - I don't know that person
"Since Hector was a pup" - since a long time ago
"That's as helpful as a screen door in a submarine" - describing something that is useless
"That's like a pimple on a wart's ass" - describing something that isn't a big deal
"Give to Caesars what is Caesars" - this one comes from my grandmother, basically means giving people that you like dislike credit when credit is due
My mother is a Puerto Rican Catholic woman but she uses loads of Yiddish words. Mama Cherrycola is an enigma.
"Time you got a watch"
Ahhhahahaha, shut up dad.
the first thing i thought of when i saw this thread was that when i say "i'll put the kettle on" my mum would always say "are you sure it'll suit you?"
Would you like some milk with that crumble?
Milk on crumble!
but she's given up now thank god (my mum obviously)
she'd be happy if i got a partner (male or female)
haha! i just realised how sad that makes me look
it's purely down to personal choice
don't judge me
Is what my mum used to say when dinner was ready
is what my brother would always say at my jokes
my dad always says "all aboard the skylark" when getting into the car.
'it's only pain!'
it's not very helpful
When asking is someone is in the house and they can't find them: "Where is he/she? In the bloody west wing?" (My parents live in a tiny house)
When putting the kettle on they will ask "Do you want to put it on the stove?" to take the piss out of me for saying that a few years back
Anytime Charlie Haughey appears on television everyone must roar "BASTARD!" at the television at the same time.
My mother always asks "Where did I go wrong?" when at family meals involving my brothers and I. This is usually after the first twenty times we've swore and thrown food at each other (We're in our early to mid-twenties)
'dont even go there' in her sing-song welsh accent. it's funny.
also she has a habit of stopping the car dead on motorways/roundabouts, throwing up her hands and going 'i dont know what i'm doing'. actua-scary.
also referred to someone who'd moved to the phillipines (allegedly) as 'living with those child molesters'. she didnt mean phillipinos btw. not an actual racist.