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I print all my letters in Arial 11pt, when 12pt is the office standard.
My office is 10pt. And it's the best.
12pt looks like I'm writing to a child. 11pt is best (10pt is fine though)
was when the company I used to work for cracked down on the number of coffees/teas we were allowed to have, because they were spending too much on those machine sachet things. I found a double sized mug which I'd bought in America and brought that in for my morning brew
could read it from the next room
I added a Black Flag logo on the front of the cover sheet. In two years nobody has made a comment about it.
but my timesheet is almost 100% fiction. And only just on the right side of plausibility.
Entire weeks of DiS written off to "team meetings and events".
Thank the Lord I don't have to complete those anymore. I remember that sinking feeling when you have entered all of your 'real' work into the spreadsheet only to find 3 days left for which mysteriously you are unable to account.
appointment finishes 15 minutes after the start; I get the office to myself for an hour or so :)
and don't sitting around huffing and puffing and complaining for hours on end
holding out for a better offer
sit on it for a few days, open it up and save it to make it look like I've jsut finished then send it. This helps make my work sound more harder
that hasn't been PAT tested.
mobile with a non PAT tested charger.
i've got it down to a fine art.
(still got 100% though)
and nobody ever notices.
even though the management instruction to me might be counter to that (due to convolution of understanding)
I actively wash my hands with soap after going to the toilet.
Sometimes I have used the office printer to print e-tickets for gigs. In my days of amateurish music promotion, I printed the times/running orders for the bands once. Sue me.
unfortunately, the printer jammed. I did what all good office workers do when the printer's jammed: I walked away. however, when the department head fixed the jam, all my flyers printed out. she just handed them to me without a word.
I avoid pissing on the seat for the same reason.
that exists in pdf format. It was a good inch thick. Apart from that it is the usual - eating food at the desk when you aren't really meant to (even though team leaders do). Plus I use the phone for every personal issue I have going, such as calling banks, doctors, chiropractors, British Gas - whatever.
So I waited until my official start time before getting up and making a cup of tea.
but in my old job there was an IT guy who kept stats on all people in the office. How many sneezes they did, how many yorkie bars they got from the vending machine, how long they went for toilet breaks. Literally years of this about loads of things. He was a manager lat I heard.
not in an official capacity, but there is one person here who sneezes fucking constantly, and goes in and out of the office like a yo-yo. Since 9am, we are on 20 sneezes (some of which are so loud they have silenced the offices and elicited a "fuckin ell" from people) and 14 trips out of the office for a tea / piss. They then have the audacity to sneer at people who clear their throat!
If and when i read your mail is none of your fucking business
who has ever received a Recall Notice and not immediately read the e-mail it is recalling? It's like back in the day when Channel 4 used to put the Red 'Sex & Violence' Triangle on programmes: essential viewing.
accidently printed out the entire scripts for the whole series of Brasseye. We didn't know how to stop the printer so just had to keep feeding paper into it until it stopped. a 1000 pages later we had a lot of reading to do.
Asked me to scan a passport photo of her for an important conference coming up.
I scanned it and saved the file as 'Myra Hindley'.
She didn't notice and sent the file off before I could tell her.
I took a twix that had been reduced to 30p (about to go out of date) and reduced it further, to 10p, then bought it myself.
The security guard spotted this and, after 5 hours of meetings (with 3 different branch managers) and 2 days suspension with full pay, I was summarily dismissed for "gross misconduct."
being asked, several times, "what exactly was going through your mind at the time?"
Er, literally nothing, I worked behind a till at Boots!
some other people did the same as you did and got fired, it is essentially theft. Petty theft, but still theft I suppose. The problem is they did it all wrong, I reduced a load of stuff (at the right time by the right amount) and then put it aside to buy. If you reduce it with the deliberate intent of buying it at this cheaper price - that is sackable. The security guard and all the managers involved in your meeting should have ignored it to be honest, the people who got fired from Safeway bought a massive tree that wasn't due to be reduced for about a quid down from abour £30. That is taking the piss.
I haven't got a leg to stand on. I make no judgements of the people involved either, they were just doing their jobs. Its just an amusing anecdote that I always enjoy telling, precisely because of the different reactions it gets.
However, I'll always remember my manager seeming genuinely distraught about it and almost having to reassure her that everything'd be ok, then turning round to walk home, sticking on my ipod and "Summer job" by Art Brut just happening to be the next song on and thinking, "right, think I'll go to the pub." Twas a lovely summer's day, too.
I also change the font to one I prefer even though we have a corporate style default.
I delete the environmental message about not printing emails from my signature (manually, every time) because I find it so smug and sanctimonious that I don't want to be associated with it).
Any timekeeping I round the time up or down in my favour.
Plug in my mp3 player to the computer via usb all day (rather than using battery), despite a prohibition on connecting non corporate devices.
and called it Skynet. Two years after I left, it's still called that as no one can be arsed to read my notes on how to log into it.
So i changed their email password to willywilly123
wasn't that a DiSer?
so my bigger monitor is free to watch shit horror films most of the day. I'm working my way through as much of the Stephen King oeuvre as YouTube/LoveFilm/Sky Go will allow.
I replaced the company mandated background image of a giant floating Sky logo with (currently) a creepy painting of a woman, which I change up on a roughly bi-weekly basis to a different painting. SHUT UP RUPERT I'LL LOOK AT WHATEVER I WANT.
I like to put stickers on the in-house magazine:
The only person who can see my monitor is the girl next to me and she's too busy judging celebrities' cellulite or whatever on the Daily Mail gossip section all day. I keep getting asked if I want to move to be more 'involved' in the team but NO WAY HOMBRE. Pretty sweet set up.
we even had training on the chairs (srsly). I ignored it and just slouch back on it like the old one. I have left the massive monitor in the box, I don't think staring at two bright screens all day is going to help me at all. Staring at my laptop is bad enough.
when I sit up all straight with my legs in the right place it hurts far more. Could be years of slouching that has done it.
or shops I know I won't be going back in regularly. Put on a ridiculously strong Welsh accent in one place, Yorkshire in another. Cheers pet.
instead of the higher-priced, unnecessary services I'm supposed to push. My boss keeps reminding me - he must think I'm an idiot from time to time because I keep 'forgetting' to do this correctly.
in the break room.
One of the criteria was 'benefit for students'
Every time I copied in the lyrics to fitter,happier. Obviously the money was always approved and nobody said anything.
Free bus ticket loophole
Putting aside reduced stuff I fancy
Not having worn full, correct uniform in the last 12 months
Forging temperature checks
Eating 'opened'/'damaged' products
Staff discount on multiple transactions per shift
Having the shop floor speaker on WAY too loud when good songs are on.
It's still there nearly 12 months on. No one has said anything.
who talk about their holiday plans months in advance? "only 97 days until Benicassim, lads." that kind of shit. every. single. day.
I steal their passports at the last minute.
(we didn't have internet access in my old job)
i wish I still had my copy of "draw a depiction of Jesus feeding the five thousand in the style of the Good News Bible"
as I thought it would fit in with all the other four letter accronyms bandied around. It's just referred to as the Risk Profile though. Will get my revenge when the Sanctions Hit Investigation Timetable goes live.
so they can click on a button called 'Ugh' and a picture of Mick Hucknall will appear as a logo on every page of their document.
i have the greatest selection of post-it notes in all the land.
I have never needed to use them outside of work
i clicked furiously on my mouse to give the impression i was stressed and working hard so no one would come over to me
Had it for a full year and no one noticed