Boards

that he's got to have some teeth out.

i called him whine gums

that's the best joke i've done for ages, three likes so far

my housemate was mad at me for leaving the freezer door open, but now its just water under the fridge

a cloud

he is fat

how do you drive this thing?

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.a blood clot

One says to the other, "Know how to drive this?".

although that's what the OP specifies they should be. Cheers.

when i woke up...

....i had.

Was bloody saving that thing too - gutted.

'miss what has more lives, a cat or a frog?'

Me- 'err a cat'

'no, silly. A cat might have none lives but it is the frog who CROAKS everynight'

:D

An investigator

Because they're Russian.

because he couldn't mufasa

Because proper tea is theft

Who's there?
Joanna Newsom
Joanna Newsom who?
Joanna Newsom better knock knock jokes than this one.

my penis

http://drownedinsound.com/community/boards/social/4004458

... TIE DYE!!!!!!!!

Pulled in by a strong currant

when I was attacked by these three blokes. Somehow I managed to knock one out.

Probably not the best time for a wank, but it could've been my last chance.

"Who are you, how did you get in here?!"
"I'm a locksmith and I'm a locksmith"

because he kneaded a poo

Vincent Van Gogh is in a pub. His friend says "Hey Vince, fancy a pint". Replies "No thanks I've got one ear".

hello me!

(halloumi)

They don't know each other to begin with but they start up a conversation.

'So whit dae ye dae mate?'

'Ah keep bees'

'Nae way! Me an'awe'

The two of them bond and chat away buying each other drinks but eventually, one bee keeper decides to suss out his new mate.

'So... how many bees huv ye got?'

The other lad takes a long pause to think about it, trying to count all his bees in his head.

'pffffffffftttttt, hhhhhhmmmmmm.... maybe aboot thurty thoosand'

'aye, really? thurty thoosand, how many hives?'

'five hives mate!'

So he's satisfied with that, they go back to their drinks. Eventually the other bee keeper decides to return the question:

'Whit aboot you mate, many bees ye got?'

'aw ah dinnae ken mate, hhhhhhhhmmmmmm, pffffffffsssssssshhhhhhhhhhtttttt... maybe aboot a hunner thoosand bees'

'A HUNNER THOOSAND BEES? FUK SAKE MAN! How many hives ye got?'

'just the wan mate'

'wan hive? hunner thoosand bees in wan hive? that must be awfy cramped is it no?'

and the other bee keeper says;

'Aye..... fuck em!'

a big egg

Me mam used to cover me in chocolate sponge, shove cream up my nostrils and arse, and put cherries over my eyes

life was certainly tough in the gateaux

He lay awake all night wondering if there's a dog.

...the nasty one which would probably take a finger off fairly easily. My teacher clocked me and shouted over that I should be wearing goggles.

Replied that I didn't need goggles because I had my eyes closed.

had the decorators in showing him the paint they'd chosen for his lounge.
David says "I second that emulsion"

"I don't know."

"Of course you don't know - YOU WEREN'T THERE MAAAAAANNNNN!!!!"