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anyone need any help with anything sexual?

Fuzzy_Dunlop [Edit] [Delete] 253 replies 15:16 March 11th, 2013

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I had sex with a girl but her minky looks like the mouth of saurons lips. What would you recommend?

http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090127181407/lotr/images/b/b8/Mouth_of_Sauron.jpg

Songs_about_ducking | 11 Mar '13, 15:17 | X | ^ This | Reply
- Get to a clinic asap, take above photo with you for reference purposes
  
  Fuzzy_Dunlop @Songs_about_ducking | 11 Mar '13, 15:22 | X | ^ This | Reply
- that's not sauron
  
  monoshono @Songs_about_ducking | 11 Mar '13, 16:04 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - thats the mouth of sauron.
    
    oojimaflop @monoshono | 11 Mar '13, 16:06 | X | ^ This | Reply
    
    TheComedian and Songs_about_ducking this'd this
    - oh yeah he meant the mouth of the mouth of sauron
      
      monoshono @oojimaflop | 11 Mar '13, 16:39 | X | ^ This | Reply
      
      ethricdouble this'd this
      - Sauron doesn't have a mouth
        
        He's a flaming eye.
        
        Aye.
        
        moker @monoshono | 12 Mar '13, 13:27 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        yeah but the mouth of sauron has a mouth
        
        that's why hes the mouth of sauron
        
        monoshono @moker | 12 Mar '13, 14:18 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Wonder who's the legs of Sauron?
        
        Or the nose of Sauron?
        
        Man, for a demi-God he really got a raw deal.
        
        moker @monoshono | 12 Mar '13, 15:59 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - :D
        
        NoahVale @monoshono | 19 Mar '13, 13:33 | X | ^ This | Reply
what is the best food for sploshing

japes | 11 Mar '13, 15:19 | X | ^ This | Reply
Ambrosia custard, full fat, carton size

also good for the skin, girls love that.

Fuzzy_Dunlop | 11 Mar '13, 15:25 | X | ^ This | Reply
I need help in getting anything sexual.

DaddyorChips | 11 Mar '13, 15:26 | X | ^ This | Reply

mute-branches this'd this
how do i finger a girl?

gonad | 11 Mar '13, 15:58 | X | ^ This | Reply
- A little wine, a little dinner...
  
  etc.
  
  Murder @gonad | 11 Mar '13, 16:03 | X | ^ This | Reply
My girlfriend likes anal but i'm not a massive fan

I've tried to placate her with rimming but she keeps wanting my cock up there. I'm not against it completely just think it's sexually overrated.

Shinjers | 11 Mar '13, 16:06 | X | ^ This | Reply
- ^living the ream.
  
  oojimaflop @Shinjers | 11 Mar '13, 16:07 | X | ^ This | Reply
  
  TheComedian, NoahVale, DaddyorChips, msmonipenni, Epimer, Wooly31, Furryboy, gecko, hanshotfirst, _TheBeautifulOnes_, and jontosh2001 this'd this
- Make a small sacrifice
  
  for her. Don't be so selfish. If she enjoys it she will be more willing to cater to requests you might have as well.
  
  Fuzzy_Dunlop @Shinjers | 11 Mar '13, 16:11 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - Less of the small pal!!!
    
    Shinjers @Fuzzy_Dunlop | 11 Mar '13, 16:12 | X | ^ This | Reply
- normally the other way round isn't it?
  
  and start the strap-on jokes....... now!
  
  TheComedian @Shinjers | 11 Mar '13, 16:12 | X | ^ This | Reply
- man up and put the ham up
  
  inside-outside @Shinjers | 11 Mar '13, 16:30 | X | ^ This | Reply
  
  Shinjers and _TheBeautifulOnes_ this'd this
- Give her number and I'll see the matter is taken care of.
  
  DaddyorChips @Shinjers | 11 Mar '13, 16:34 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-6erxNJd50Cs/TVWgsMAtN7I/AAAAAAAAAmI/r7BDybwj9XU/s1600/vince-masuka-picture.png
    
    TheComedian @DaddyorChips | 11 Mar '13, 17:40 | X | ^ This | Reply
- EIGHTY FIVE PERCENT
  
  Loui_Tacceh @Shinjers | 11 Mar '13, 23:29 | X | ^ This | Reply
Also she's quite a lot younger than me

and it's really tiring. Been together nearly 5 months and have never not had sex on a day we've been together usually multiple times. I think i'm gonna die soon.

Shinjers | 11 Mar '13, 16:14 | X | ^ This | Reply
- are you fibbing about all this?
  
  TheComedian @Shinjers | 11 Mar '13, 17:42 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - yeah ok this might be a fake 85%
    
    Loui_Tacceh @TheComedian | 11 Mar '13, 23:30 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - Not fake, she's 19 i'm 33
      
      Will introduce her to cat_race on sunday as proof at my first MME event
      
      Shinjers @Loui_Tacceh | 12 Mar '13, 10:19 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - obligatory
        
        link-her-to-this-thread reply.
        
        I'm so sorry.
        
        amyblue @Shinjers | 12 Mar '13, 13:23 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        saps this'd this
        
        Assuming, and I'm not sure that I am, that this is a real relationship I'm sure
        
        she'll be delighted that whiskas knows all about her sex life before she even meets him.
        
        saps @amyblue | 12 Mar '13, 14:01 | X | ^ This | Reply
Any advice on cunnilingus techniques?

I currently spell out the names of the 1966 England World Cup winning team on her clit but this is a bit samey. Should I use ice cubes? I also hear good things about Berocca.

Help me Fuzzy D, you're my only hope.

NoahVale | 11 Mar '13, 16:25 | X | ^ This | Reply
- Get her to sit on your face
  
  Different angle innit.
  Or lick her from behind, you can put your nose in for a bit of something different.
  Or just attack it like a dog would a bowl of water on a hot summer day
  
  Shinjers @NoahVale | 11 Mar '13, 16:30 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - ^brown-nosing
    
    NoahVale @Shinjers | 11 Mar '13, 16:31 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - In her clout not her bum, lunatic
      
      Shinjers @NoahVale | 11 Mar '13, 16:33 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - I thought you were being a bit bold there
        
        NoahVale @Shinjers | 11 Mar '13, 16:36 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        I reckon if you stuck your nose up a girls arsehole
        
        she'd be a bit weirded out. Might try it tonight
        
        Shinjers @NoahVale | 11 Mar '13, 16:37 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Report back tomorrow please
        
        NoahVale @Shinjers | 11 Mar '13, 16:39 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        its worse if you blow up there, cause first you get a right stink in your face, then she gets annoyed and tries to blame you for it
        
        inside-outside @Shinjers | 11 Mar '13, 16:41 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Actual lol at my desk. Never trying the stink face Rikishi
        
        Shinjers @inside-outside | 11 Mar '13, 16:44 | X | ^ This | Reply
tell me,

should a used condom put in the bin be hidden beneath something, or is it ok to just lay it across the top?

cat_race | 11 Mar '13, 16:27 | X | ^ This | Reply
- Just wrap it in a bit of tissue
  
  Tillance @cat_race | 11 Mar '13, 16:28 | X | ^ This | Reply
  
  sharp_yet_blunt, Antelope, and Girl_on_film this'd this
  - bit of a waste
    
    cat_race @Tillance | 11 Mar '13, 16:29 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - what, chucking it away?
      
      why not add some garlic and spices for a lovely jus
      
      inside-outside @cat_race | 11 Mar '13, 16:31 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - tissue
        
        cat_race @inside-outside | 11 Mar '13, 16:36 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - just throw some in the top and tie it up
        
        boil in the bag loveliness
        
        inside-outside @inside-outside | 11 Mar '13, 16:38 | X | ^ This | Reply
- Once, my cat started licking one when I left it uncovered on top of the bin
  
  Tissue is good, I think
  
  NoahVale @cat_race | 11 Mar '13, 16:30 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - a guy I knew in school and his gf at the time
    
    didnt like throwing them away for some reason so he kept them all in a morrisons carrier bag under his bed. We found it one day and they'd all gone yellowy brown, a few had shrivelled up into raisin like shapes
    
    inside-outside @NoahVale | 11 Mar '13, 16:39 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - Perhaps it was his opening gambit with a woman
      
      i.e. would you like to come up to my room to see my collection of used profilactics?
      
      I think the Morrisons bag gives it an extra dimension somehow
      
      NoahVale @inside-outside | 11 Mar '13, 16:42 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - I think you misunderstand ladyfolk
        
        that is not a turn on
        
        inside-outside @NoahVale | 11 Mar '13, 16:44 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        unless I misunderstand ladyfolk
        
        in which case im off to morrisons after work
        
        inside-outside @inside-outside | 11 Mar '13, 16:44 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - *gag*
      
      andyvine @inside-outside | 12 Mar '13, 12:14 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - Once my cat pulled one out of the bin
    
    -it was wrapped up and everything! and started throwing it around the landing. My dad told me my mum had to pick it up and put it in the bin. we haven't spoken about it...
    
    oojimaflop @NoahVale | 11 Mar '13, 16:52 | X | ^ This | Reply
- Once lived with a girl
  
  who, for a few weeks during winter (we shared a room briefly before I moved out) the room had a weird smell. Anyway, the day I moved out, I was checking through some packets around the base of her bed - making sure there was nothing of mine in them. One was shoved right under the heater (which had been mostly on as it was winter). I opened the packet to be met with a full used condom, which had literally been cooking under the heater. I have never felt so ill in all my life.
  
  msmonipenni @cat_race | 11 Mar '13, 16:43 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - you shouldnt have eaten it then
    
    inside-outside @msmonipenni | 11 Mar '13, 16:45 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - Definitely something you shouldn't eat unless fresh...
      
      msmonipenni @inside-outside | 11 Mar '13, 17:09 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - I say!
        
        TheComedian @msmonipenni | 11 Mar '13, 17:46 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Even 007 would blush at that.
        
        DaddyorChips @TheComedian | 11 Mar '13, 17:59 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - urgghhh!
    
    Girl_on_film @msmonipenni | 12 Mar '13, 15:53 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - Bet you wish you'd thrown it away now.
      
      DaddyorChips @Girl_on_film | 12 Mar '13, 15:59 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - ha!
        
        i would never do that - it's gross!
        
        Girl_on_film @DaddyorChips | 12 Mar '13, 16:10 | X | ^ This | Reply
is there a variation on sploshing

where people roll around in dry food like ground coffee or banana Nesquik like chinchillas?

incandenza_ | 11 Mar '13, 16:36 | X | ^ This | Reply
- Banoffee tart
  
  NoahVale @incandenza_ | 11 Mar '13, 16:40 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - too moist
    
    use moist cake as the dividing line.
    
    I bet.
    
    incandenza_ @NoahVale | 11 Mar '13, 16:44 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - Creamy pie?
    
    msmonipenni @NoahVale | 11 Mar '13, 16:44 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - I dont see the attraction in one of those
      
      mmmm look at all that horrible spum seeping out
      
      inside-outside @msmonipenni | 11 Mar '13, 16:46 | X | ^ This | Reply
How do I maintain an erection?

I've got to do it for hours every day and sadly I can't maintain it for that long. Any help?
Sorry.

Murder | 11 Mar '13, 16:51 | X | ^ This | Reply
- thread half a knitting needle down the end
  
  cat_race @Murder | 11 Mar '13, 16:51 | X | ^ This | Reply
I have a small knob

How to make the best of a bad situation?

marilyninthesky | 11 Mar '13, 16:56 | X | ^ This | Reply
- everything is a joke to you isn't it!!?
  
  this is a great thread and you're turning it into a joke
  
  cat_race @marilyninthesky | 11 Mar '13, 16:57 | X | ^ This | Reply
  
  oojimaflop this'd this
  - I have a small knob
    
    How do I make the best of a bad situation?
    
    marilyninthesky @cat_race | 11 Mar '13, 16:59 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - I have a knob
      
      How make situation?
      
      DaddyorChips @marilyninthesky | 11 Mar '13, 17:01 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - beast of a bed situation
      
      Balonz @marilyninthesky | 11 Mar '13, 17:07 | X | ^ This | Reply
      
      DaddyorChips and jontosh2001 this'd this
  - she feels a little bit of the comedian
    
    double whammy!
    
    TheComedian @cat_race | 11 Mar '13, 17:38 | X | ^ This | Reply
- Tuck it between your legs and pretend to be a girl
  
  DaddyorChips @marilyninthesky | 11 Mar '13, 17:00 | X | ^ This | Reply
How do I gain the courage to try sex positions which come with the disclaimer: "WARNING: danger of damage to the penis!"

Epimer | 11 Mar '13, 17:04 | X | ^ This | Reply
The click-click-click theory

http://i.imgur.com/ljnqYZ2.gif

cronenberg | 11 Mar '13, 17:32 | X | ^ This | Reply
- xD
  
  oojimaflop @cronenberg | 12 Mar '13, 10:05 | X | ^ This | Reply
how is babby made

ma0sm | 12 Mar '13, 06:41 | X | ^ This | Reply
What's the best food to eat to make your love-mayo taste nice?

TheTupperwareMuseum | 12 Mar '13, 11:16 | X | ^ This | Reply
- Nothing
  
  Its rank.
  It'll never taste nice.
  
  You could try not lapping up your own jizz you freak.
  
  meowington @TheTupperwareMuseum | 12 Mar '13, 11:26 | X | ^ This | Reply
  
  TheTupperwareMuseum this'd this
  - I don't mind it actually
    
    It's not nice, but I'm not bothered by it
    
    Girl_on_film @meowington | 12 Mar '13, 16:11 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - *click*
      
      DaddyorChips @Girl_on_film | 12 Mar '13, 16:14 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - fucking hell Theo, honestly...
      
      Antelope @Girl_on_film | 20 Mar '13, 10:29 | X | ^ This | Reply
- Fruit
  
  Lots of it.
  
  Tillance @TheTupperwareMuseum | 12 Mar '13, 11:29 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - ^this +
    
    lemon juice, cinnamon, almonds, mint
    
    Steer clear of spicy stuff like curry, and give fish (esp. tuna) a wide berth.
    
    Oh, and good luck in finding a ladee that will take the taste challenge
    
    NoahVale @Tillance | 12 Mar '13, 11:58 | X | ^ This | Reply
- Pineapple
  
  My friends mate used to go through like 6 tins of pineapple a day because his girlfriend hated sucking him off. Think she still hated sucking him off though.
  
  icouldwinarabbit @TheTupperwareMuseum | 12 Mar '13, 11:59 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - Did he eat it or
    
    thread it onto his nob?
    
    NoahVale @icouldwinarabbit | 12 Mar '13, 12:01 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - Used to wrap slices of Hawaiian pizza around it
      
      icouldwinarabbit @NoahVale | 12 Mar '13, 12:02 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - pineapple and cheese can be quite a divisive combination
    
    Balonz @icouldwinarabbit | 12 Mar '13, 12:03 | X | ^ This | Reply
not sex but might lead to it

went on a 'second date' yesterday, with someone I really like. We got on well, had loads in common, plenty to say etc., but I just kind of sense that he doesn't feel the same about me and is too nice to say. Not really sure what to do next. Would appreciate advice from Proper Adults as I asked a mate and he told me to 'fucking grow a set'.

_TheBeautifulOnes_ | 12 Mar '13, 11:59 | X | ^ This | Reply
- JBHR
  
  NoahVale @_TheBeautifulOnes_ | 12 Mar '13, 12:02 | X | ^ This | Reply
  
  _TheBeautifulOnes_ and Antelope this'd this
  - yeah I would if I could
    
    _TheBeautifulOnes_ @NoahVale | 12 Mar '13, 12:03 | X | ^ This | Reply
- some people suck at / don't like showing affection right away
  
  gotta play it cool and worm your way in there slowly
  
  monoshono @_TheBeautifulOnes_ | 12 Mar '13, 12:06 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - yeah, I think that might be it
    
    uni holidays start soon so that will either give us time to decide what we want, or make everything stagnant. We'll see.
    
    _TheBeautifulOnes_ @monoshono | 12 Mar '13, 12:10 | X | ^ This | Reply
- Do you have a third 'date' planned?
  
  You could just ask him what he thinks so far. That's not too heavy/weird is it?
  
  Christ knows why I'm pitching in here. I know so little about this kind of stuff.
  
  saps @_TheBeautifulOnes_ | 12 Mar '13, 14:04 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - kind of
    
    Yeah, I might do.
    
    I feel very, very autistic posting this kind of stuff.
    
    _TheBeautifulOnes_ @saps | 12 Mar '13, 14:09 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - I don't see why.
      
      If these genuinely are dates then they're about seeing how you two get along and what you think of each other.
      
      If you're still not sure, say midway through date no.3 then I'd think that was a good time to ask.
      
      Help me out here guys.
      
      saps @_TheBeautifulOnes_ | 12 Mar '13, 14:19 | X | ^ This | Reply
      
      twentynine this'd this
      - OK, yeah, I'll say something.
        
        Cheers! Bit of a whiny post from me but it has helped in the end.
        
        _TheBeautifulOnes_ @saps | 12 Mar '13, 14:35 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - Almost word for word what I was going to type :)
        
        twentynine @saps | 12 Mar '13, 14:40 | X | ^ This | Reply
I want to spice up my sex life

lemonbrickcombo | 12 Mar '13, 14:08 | X | ^ This | Reply
- dinner?
  
  twentynine @lemonbrickcombo | 12 Mar '13, 14:39 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - actually, i'm having faggots for dinner tonight
    
    twentynine @twentynine | 12 Mar '13, 14:40 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - Bigot.
      
      DaddyorChips @twentynine | 12 Mar '13, 15:49 | X | ^ This | Reply
      
      TheTupperwareMuseum this'd this
- have sex upside down
  
  worked for me
  
  monoshono @lemonbrickcombo | 12 Mar '13, 14:41 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - x?s ????
    
    twentynine @monoshono | 12 Mar '13, 14:43 | X | ^ This | Reply
- Try Cumin on her tits (mate).
  
  DaddyorChips @lemonbrickcombo | 12 Mar '13, 15:03 | X | ^ This | Reply
  
  urbanfox this'd this
Proper role play in the bedroom is for complete morons, right?

Like...i get certain costumes being aesthetically pleasing, sure, but being all /oooh officer can i do something to stop you giving me a ticket/ is a bit shit right?

cocodaLOL | 12 Mar '13, 14:42 | X | ^ This | Reply
- *stifled a laugh, sprayed coffee over keyboard* :(
  
  twentynine @cocodaLOL | 12 Mar '13, 14:43 | X | ^ This | Reply
  
  cocodaLOL this'd this
  - i...don't know how this one goes
    
    ooooh. let me get a damp sponge and usb mini vacuum cleaner to 'fix' your 'keyboard' erm.....babe?
    
    cocodaLOL @twentynine | 12 Mar '13, 14:53 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - nearly there
      
      japes @cocodaLOL | 12 Mar '13, 15:44 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - Oh the vacuum cleaner is broken. Looks like I'm gonna have to
      
      Suck it myself...
      
      urbanfox @cocodaLOL | 12 Mar '13, 15:45 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - the...the keyboard?
        
        cocodaLOL @urbanfox | 12 Mar '13, 15:48 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        twentynine this'd this
- yeah, bit weird
  
  cat_race @cocodaLOL | 12 Mar '13, 14:44 | X | ^ This | Reply
- Never done it.
  
  Can't say it appeals.
  
  Don't think I'd be able to take it seriously.
  
  saps @cocodaLOL | 12 Mar '13, 14:45 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - ^protests too much etc
    
    saps @saps | 12 Mar '13, 14:46 | X | ^ This | Reply
- theres only so much fun you can have role playing "in the bedroom"
  
  but outside the bedroom there's loads id imagine. Ive never tried.
  
  monoshono @cocodaLOL | 12 Mar '13, 14:53 | X | ^ This | Reply
- I reckon it's ok when you're about 50
  
  anything younger than that it's all about breath play and bondage
  
  Shinjers @cocodaLOL | 12 Mar '13, 14:57 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - and bumming
    
    TheComedian @Shinjers | 12 Mar '13, 15:01 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - and bumming, right
      
      cocodaLOL @TheComedian | 12 Mar '13, 15:04 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - I'm a man of a bygone age :(
        
        Shinjers @cocodaLOL | 12 Mar '13, 15:09 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        it's about positions
        
        it might not seem fantastic at first. but put her on top facing you and everything gets awesome.
        
        cocodaLOL @Shinjers | 12 Mar '13, 15:36 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        DaddyorChips this'd this
- I would not be able to stop laughing if I did that
  
  meowington @cocodaLOL | 12 Mar '13, 15:07 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - that's what i mean!
    
    no way can anyone get through even two sentences of pretending to be a fireman without just laughing
    
    cocodaLOL @meowington | 12 Mar '13, 15:37 | X | ^ This | Reply
    
    urbanfox this'd this
    - nah you've got to think bigger. For the fireman example, say:
      
      1) Go out to the countryside (all good roleplays start with this step
      2) Set fire to loads of hay in a circle*
      3)have your partner go into the circle and call for help
      4) Dress as a fireman
      5) let them get a bit hot so you have to rescue them slightly
      6) fuck
      
      *Dont actually do this, farmers get irate
      
      monoshono @cocodaLOL | 12 Mar '13, 15:52 | X | ^ This | Reply
      
      TheTupperwareMuseum this'd this
      - but i could do that without being dressed as a fireman
        
        like, create danger situations for my gf, save her, then rut because of the drama of the save. I don't need to be a fireman for that? Also why the fuck would a fireman be out in a field without the rest of his team?
        
        Hmm i'm going to need all my mates for this to work properly. and a van painted like a fire engine.
        
        Give me a week.
        
        cocodaLOL @monoshono | 12 Mar '13, 15:57 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        andyvine this'd this
        
        sorry, sorry! firemen really aren't my speciality, it was off the top of my head
        
        Getting mates involved is an interesting angle though... :)
        
        monoshono @cocodaLOL | 12 Mar '13, 16:01 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Would all your pals get a go?
        
        Or are they just extras? To make up the numbers of the whole fire team?
        
        urbanfox @cocodaLOL | 12 Mar '13, 16:05 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        They are extras that should whoop and holler like its the end of a movie and you are getting with the girl
        
        You can just kiss here, role-play doesn't need to be all about p going in a v.
        
        monoshono @urbanfox | 12 Mar '13, 16:07 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Lot of effort for a snog
        
        Shinjers @monoshono | 12 Mar '13, 16:10 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        I infer from this that you are lazy in bed and will never truly satisfy a woman
        
        monoshono @Shinjers | 12 Mar '13, 16:13 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Shinjers this'd this
        
        or man
        
        monoshono @monoshono | 12 Mar '13, 16:13 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        cocodaLOL this'd this
what's the best brand/colour of condom?

mac_daddy | 12 Mar '13, 15:46 | X | ^ This | Reply
- They're all rubbish
  
  Tie down a hotty so you can stop using them
  
  Shinjers @mac_daddy | 12 Mar '13, 15:52 | X | ^ This | Reply
  
  urbanfox this'd this
  - phrasing
    
    Epimer @Shinjers | 12 Mar '13, 15:55 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - :D Archer <3
      
      cocodaLOL @Epimer | 12 Mar '13, 15:58 | X | ^ This | Reply
- I've seen Skyn non-latex ones being recommended
  
  I can't really tell the difference between Durex ultra safe and whatever the thinnest ones are, though, so I was never that bothered. Except that the free, non-Durex ones from the clinic were a weird, uncomfortable shape.
  
  Epimer @mac_daddy | 12 Mar '13, 15:54 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - That wasn't the condoms fault
    
    Shinjers @Epimer | 12 Mar '13, 15:55 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - I beg to differ; they should ALL fit perfectly on a withered baby carrot
      
      Epimer @Shinjers | 12 Mar '13, 15:58 | X | ^ This | Reply
I have a weird crush on a girl.

msmonipenni | 12 Mar '13, 16:14 | X | ^ This | Reply

DaddyorChips this'd this
- as in,
  
  it's weird that you do at all, it's weird that it's her specifically or she's weird?
  
  cocodaLOL @msmonipenni | 12 Mar '13, 16:16 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - As in, I am not usually attracted to girls, but when I know I am going to see her
    
    I get excited (not sexually) and nervous and then when she says hello, I do the classic stupid comment thing you do when you crush on someone. It's awful.
    
    msmonipenni @cocodaLOL | 12 Mar '13, 16:19 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - what is it about her?
      
      monoshono @msmonipenni | 12 Mar '13, 16:20 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - Dunno. She is kinda boyish. And she has lovely blue eyes.
        
        msmonipenni @monoshono | 12 Mar '13, 16:22 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Janie?
        
        Is it Janie?
        
        inside-outside @msmonipenni | 19 Mar '13, 13:58 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        From Accounts?
        
        inside-outside @inside-outside | 19 Mar '13, 13:59 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - :D
      
      I can't imagine you going all nervous about it! Is she pretty or is it a personality thing??
      
      cocodaLOL @msmonipenni | 12 Mar '13, 16:23 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - It's so weird
        
        I honestly never get like this. She once commented on a pic on FB and I was all:
        
        http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m913mrJPgA1rucijv.gif
        
        msmonipenni @cocodaLOL | 12 Mar '13, 16:26 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        wait advice on what? how to get her or how to get over her?
        
        cocodaLOL @msmonipenni | 12 Mar '13, 18:34 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - Any advice then?
        
        msmonipenni @cocodaLOL | 12 Mar '13, 16:50 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Finger her
        
        Shinjers @msmonipenni | 12 Mar '13, 16:52 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Meet up with her and post on here a detailed description of what happens.
        
        DaddyorChips @msmonipenni | 12 Mar '13, 16:52 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Perv.
        
        msmonipenni @DaddyorChips | 12 Mar '13, 16:54 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        That's the general goal, yes.
        
        DaddyorChips @msmonipenni | 12 Mar '13, 16:56 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        And, it would end up being a weird girl coffee and I would act like a right weirdo
        
        and make dad jokes and she would just think I was odd. So basically, a DiSser std meet up. Which I could just relink a thread and change the names
        
        msmonipenni @DaddyorChips | 12 Mar '13, 16:56 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Can you get stds just from sharing a coffee?
        
        DaddyorChips @msmonipenni | 12 Mar '13, 16:57 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Only if you share a cup.
        
        Or so I've heard.
        
        msmonipenni @DaddyorChips | 12 Mar '13, 16:58 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        I once got crabs from a flat white
        
        Shinjers @msmonipenni | 12 Mar '13, 16:59 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Racist.
        
        msmonipenni @Shinjers | 12 Mar '13, 17:00 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        cocodaLOL this'd this
        
        Pot/ kettle/ bleck interface.
        
        DaddyorChips @msmonipenni | 12 Mar '13, 17:01 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        flat whites come in mugs
        
        you mug
        
        cocodaLOL @DaddyorChips | 12 Mar '13, 17:04 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        mug_mug_mug this'd this
        
        Dirty bastards-can they not use tissues like everyone else?
        
        DaddyorChips @cocodaLOL | 12 Mar '13, 17:09 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        I think it's best not to share those kind of "cups".
        
        DaddyorChips @msmonipenni | 12 Mar '13, 17:00 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        2 girls 1 cup?
        
        inside-outside @msmonipenni | 19 Mar '13, 13:59 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        "So basically, a DiSser std meet up"
        
        Sounds about right
        
        moker @msmonipenni | 12 Mar '13, 17:11 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        msmonipenni this'd this
        
        invite her out for coffee
        
        or a film, or drinks etc it's always fun to meet new people + if you know her better she'll probably make you less nervous.
        
        win/win pretty much.
        
        wewerewerewolvesonce @msmonipenni | 12 Mar '13, 17:14 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        JBHR
        
        Raanraals @msmonipenni | 19 Mar '13, 16:00 | X | ^ This | Reply
What do I do about having dreams about hairy transvestite Sherilyn Fenn/TatU impersonators?

TheTupperwareMuseum | 12 Mar '13, 19:02 | X | ^ This | Reply
Nope

sophiacherryx | 12 Mar '13, 19:34 | X | ^ This | Reply

PickledOeuf and andyvine this'd this
What's the best method for anal douching?

TheTupperwareMuseum | 12 Mar '13, 22:07 | X | ^ This | Reply
I like shootin' on me bird's tits

but she likes me to liquid twang in her gob

what should I do?

TheComedian | 19 Mar '13, 13:47 | X | ^ This | Reply
- I'd advise you to apply for 'Sun, Sea & Suspicious Parents'
  
  It'll work itself out.
  
  hanshotfirst @TheComedian | 19 Mar '13, 16:05 | X | ^ This | Reply
- spaff on tits
  
  lick up, spit in her mouth.
  
  man up.
  
  ElthamsmateOwen @TheComedian | 19 Mar '13, 16:08 | X | ^ This | Reply
- i don't believe you.
  
  Antelope @TheComedian | 20 Mar '13, 10:25 | X | ^ This | Reply
my mate thinks her new love interest either doesn't fancy her or is gay

Becoz he only cums doggy style.

WhT DO TO DO SHE ASKS?

marilyninthesky | 19 Mar '13, 14:03 | X | ^ This | Reply
- aaaahhahahhah
  
  cat_race @marilyninthesky | 19 Mar '13, 14:04 | X | ^ This | Reply
- Question:
  
  Is he putting his willy up her bum bum or her noon?
  
  meowington @marilyninthesky | 19 Mar '13, 14:16 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - ^this
    
    Great question
    
    NoahVale @meowington | 19 Mar '13, 14:18 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - I think she mentioned
    
    up her noon but there has been a few failed attempts for bum bum action too.
    
    marilyninthesky @meowington | 19 Mar '13, 14:19 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - I vote straight
      
      NoahVale @marilyninthesky | 19 Mar '13, 14:21 | X | ^ This | Reply
      
      andyvine this'd this
    - he's so turned off by women he can only get off
      
      by putting it in their vagina.
      
      wewerewerewolvesonce @marilyninthesky | 19 Mar '13, 15:01 | X | ^ This | Reply
      
      TheComedian, jontosh2001, and untrue this'd this
      - Gay men loves their mums
        
        he is probably homesick
        
        TheComedian @wewerewerewolvesonce | 19 Mar '13, 16:22 | X | ^ This | Reply
- WhT DO TO DO SHE ASKS?
  
  <3
  
  andyvine @marilyninthesky | 19 Mar '13, 14:31 | X | ^ This | Reply
  
  marilyninthesky this'd this
- he's probably been having one too many tommy tanks whilst single
  
  might take a while for him to get used to it
  
  gecko @marilyninthesky | 19 Mar '13, 14:52 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - Do you think?
    
    Explains all, she said.
    
    Thanks.
    
    marilyninthesky @gecko | 19 Mar '13, 15:38 | X | ^ This | Reply
    
    Raanraals this'd this
    - You're a bit of a wanker too, Raanraals?
      
      marilyninthesky @marilyninthesky | 20 Mar '13, 09:23 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - I have enough life experience
        
        to know that moving from vigorous hand shandies to slaying hot puss means that orgasm can initially take longer.
        
        Raanraals @marilyninthesky | 20 Mar '13, 09:45 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Unless you're a callow youth, in which case
        
        30 secs is an achievement
        
        NoahVale @Raanraals | 20 Mar '13, 09:47 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        will never get tired of the phrase
        
        " slaying hot puss "
        
        alcxxk @Raanraals | 20 Mar '13, 10:26 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        marilyninthesky and Raanraals this'd this
- don't see the issue
  
  It's quite a different (deep) angle and he can really go for it in that position. It can be hard enough (lol) to cross the finish line at all if there's a condom involved.
  
  Or so I hear.
  
  Epimer @marilyninthesky | 19 Mar '13, 15:11 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - Yea she mentioned
    
    That he won't go anywhere near her without a condom on.
    
    I don't think that sounds too healthy though. Surely a few dips without the rubber hat is okay before slipping on the plastic helmet?
    
    marilyninthesky @Epimer | 19 Mar '13, 15:39 | X | ^ This | Reply
    
    marilyninthesky this'd this
    - depends whether your partner has aids or not
      
      cat_race @marilyninthesky | 19 Mar '13, 15:43 | X | ^ This | Reply
      
      urbanfox, alcxxk, andyvine, Antelope, and gecko this'd this
    - I really, really hope you're joking
      
      Epimer @marilyninthesky | 19 Mar '13, 15:51 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - nah, that's not how it works
      
      alcxxk @marilyninthesky | 19 Mar '13, 16:00 | X | ^ This | Reply
      
      Epimer this'd this
      - I'm sure lots of peopledip the wick before putting on the appropriate clothing
        
        Or has
        
        marilyninthesky @alcxxk | 19 Mar '13, 16:03 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Lots of people have STDs and unplanned pregnancies, too
        
        Epimer @marilyninthesky | 19 Mar '13, 16:06 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        alcxxk, marilyninthesky, and TheWza this'd this
        
        counting my blessings
        
        alcxxk @marilyninthesky | 19 Mar '13, 16:11 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        marilyninthesky, TheComedian, and urbanfox this'd this
        
        hiv five!
        
        TheComedian @alcxxk | 19 Mar '13, 16:26 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        communists
        
        marilyninthesky @TheComedian | 19 Mar '13, 17:02 | X | ^ This | Reply
- "Mate"
  
  wewerewerewolvesonce @marilyninthesky | 19 Mar '13, 16:01 | X | ^ This | Reply
  
  TheComedian this'd this
  - Trust me I'm
    
    Not getting any.
    
    marilyninthesky @wewerewerewolvesonce | 20 Mar '13, 09:25 | X | ^ This | Reply
I am trying to pull a lady

but all my best lines/pms are not working, what should I do?

TheComedian | 19 Mar '13, 16:29 | X | ^ This | Reply
- Kill yourself and pray that you are re-incarnated as someone with a personality
  
  Songs_about_ducking @TheComedian | 19 Mar '13, 17:05 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - I wasn't talking to you, Mr Anger Projection
    
    Have a nice one millionth wank this week
    
    TheComedian @Songs_about_ducking | 19 Mar '13, 22:34 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - Great comeback
      
      Top bants
      
      Songs_about_ducking @TheComedian | 20 Mar '13, 10:36 | X | ^ This | Reply
- could try making her laugh
  
  andyvine @TheComedian | 19 Mar '13, 17:08 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - Yeah, instead of myself
    
    I might try that :)
    
    TheComedian @andyvine | 19 Mar '13, 22:34 | X | ^ This | Reply
- are you familiar with the note technique?
  
  Silkyskillz11 @TheComedian | 19 Mar '13, 21:53 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - How does it work?
    
    TheComedian @Silkyskillz11 | 19 Mar '13, 22:35 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - you write a note
      
      and depending on the content, you secure a date
      
      Silkyskillz11 @TheComedian | 20 Mar '13, 09:25 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - Well
        
        She wanted me to send pictures of my face cock. I have not done this, yet.
        
        TheComedian @Silkyskillz11 | 20 Mar '13, 14:10 | X | ^ This | Reply
When two men are having bum sex

Do their balls flap together?

Tillance | 19 Mar '13, 21:35 | X | ^ This | Reply
- most likely
  
  I guess if a woman has it up the bum bum she might have the balls slapping her clunge, if it is doggy style...
  
  TheComedian @Tillance | 19 Mar '13, 22:37 | X | ^ This | Reply
- Nah
  
  I mean, I'm no expert, but nah. From personal experience, the old ballsack tightens up when I'm on the job - body's way of avoiding painful slappage
  
  NoahVale @Tillance | 20 Mar '13, 09:10 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - It depends how saggy the balls are I imagine
    
    marilyninthesky @NoahVale | 20 Mar '13, 09:26 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - long ass balls
      
      TheComedian @marilyninthesky | 20 Mar '13, 14:07 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - I've just understood your name.
    
    I'm pretty slow on the uptake.
    
    saps @NoahVale | 20 Mar '13, 10:12 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - You're not the first and
      
      probably won't be the last
      
      :)
      
      NoahVale @saps | 20 Mar '13, 10:30 | X | ^ This | Reply
what do you do if someone who has a boyfriend says they fancy you

and you fancy them too?

candles | 20 Mar '13, 10:46 | X | ^ This | Reply
- you run
  
  Antelope @candles | 20 Mar '13, 10:48 | X | ^ This | Reply
- suck his dick
  
  cat_race @candles | 20 Mar '13, 10:48 | X | ^ This | Reply
  
  Antelope this'd this
  - :D
    
    deadonthestairs @cat_race | 20 Mar '13, 10:58 | X | ^ This | Reply
- Depends on who the boyfriend is
  
  Bodybuilding psycho = X
  Your boss = X
  Your brother = X
  
  Basically, if he lacks your wit, personality, financial clout, and you could have him in a fight then fill yer boots
  
  NoahVale @candles | 20 Mar '13, 10:50 | X | ^ This | Reply
  
  urbanfox this'd this
- You think very carefully
  
  about whether you want to get with a girl who will fancy other people when youre with them
  
  Songs_about_ducking @candles | 20 Mar '13, 10:51 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - that's all girls, and all guys
    
    you mean whether they will act on it
    
    cat_race @Songs_about_ducking | 20 Mar '13, 10:52 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - Yeah
      
      Thats more what I mean.
      
      Songs_about_ducking @cat_race | 20 Mar '13, 10:53 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - ... or if you have the wit, personality, financial clout
      
      and sexual prowess to keep them from straying
      
      NoahVale @cat_race | 20 Mar '13, 10:54 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - ^this, so much
    
    She clearly has commitment issues. From experience, you're just asking for trouble. It's possible she just isn't getting enough attention from her boyfriend and likes getting it elsewhere too.
    
    I wouldn't trust her at all. Obviously this is based on the info you've given us, it could work great and you could be just the guy she's looking for. Could be perfect. But for crying out loud, try not to fall for her only for her to back out. Be careful dude.
    
    Antelope @Songs_about_ducking | 20 Mar '13, 10:56 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - ^ a bit of this, however....
      
      it could just as easily be that (as you say) she just isn't getting enough attention from her boyfriend. Relationships and emotions aren't simple things and sometimes we fall for somebody even though we shouldn't. Be a shame to miss out on what could be a good thing.
      
      Simple answer is: TALK TO HER
      
      NoahVale @Antelope | 20 Mar '13, 11:08 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - Watch out she doesn't pour tea on herself
        
        Arf. Just made a DiS referential comment. Go me.
        
        Stock answer should be "ditch the boyfriend, then let's talk".
        
        amyblue @NoahVale | 20 Mar '13, 12:41 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - MATE THIS IS A SEX THEAD NOT AN INDIE BED-WETTING THREAD
        
        GET OUT
        
        marilyninthesky @NoahVale | 20 Mar '13, 14:37 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Raanraals this'd this
        
        Sorry mits - what I meant to say was
        
        JBHR.
        
        Normal service
        
        NoahVale @marilyninthesky | 20 Mar '13, 14:51 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Merci
        
        Raanraals @NoahVale | 20 Mar '13, 14:54 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        marilyninthesky this'd this
        
        I was the first to coin the nickname MITS
        
        true story
        
        TheComedian @Raanraals | 20 Mar '13, 15:05 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        What does JBHR mean?
        
        Sounds like a new rape drug.
        
        marilyninthesky @TheComedian | 20 Mar '13, 15:12 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        I was the first to coin the term "bone her rotten"
        
        true story
        
        Raanraals @TheComedian | 20 Mar '13, 15:30 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - Yeah - the way someone gets together with you is likely to be how they get together with the person after you.
      
      monoshono @Antelope | 20 Mar '13, 14:12 | X | ^ This | Reply
      
      Kitchmo this'd this
      - THANKS FOR THE TRISH
        
        marilyninthesky @monoshono | 20 Mar '13, 14:40 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        ...You have a touch of the Danny Dyer about you today...
        
        amyblue @marilyninthesky | 20 Mar '13, 16:16 | X | ^ This | Reply
        
        Thanks!
        
        But unfortunately I've not been offered an OBE
        
        marilyninthesky @amyblue | 20 Mar '13, 16:57 | X | ^ This | Reply
if i'm going to rotate, is anti-clockwise or clockwise better

cat_race | 20 Mar '13, 14:56 | X | ^ This | Reply
- also, have you ever noticed that if you look at a clock from the back
  
  anti-clockwise and clockwise swap
  
  cat_race @cat_race | 20 Mar '13, 14:56 | X | ^ This | Reply
- Rotate what?
  
  Tillance @cat_race | 20 Mar '13, 14:57 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - rotate what? hahahahha
    
    cat_race @Tillance | 20 Mar '13, 14:58 | X | ^ This | Reply
- why are you rotating
  
  Antelope @cat_race | 20 Mar '13, 14:57 | X | ^ This | Reply
  - oh my god, two of them!
    
    cat_race @Antelope | 20 Mar '13, 14:59 | X | ^ This | Reply
    - i can't think of a situation where a guy would need to rotate
      
      Antelope @cat_race | 20 Mar '13, 15:00 | X | ^ This | Reply
      - oh god i've been doing it wrong this entire time haven't i
        
        Antelope @Antelope | 20 Mar '13, 15:02 | X | ^ This | Reply
- lefty loosy righty tighty
  
  shrewbie @cat_race | 20 Mar '13, 15:02 | X | ^ This | Reply
  
  cat_race this'd this
- I've only ever done it successfully clockwise
  
  andyvine @cat_race | 20 Mar '13, 17:03 | X | ^ This | Reply
I'm worried I might be robosexual

I have strong affectionate feeling for both my bicycle and motorbike

or should that be bike-curious?

monoshono | 20 Mar '13, 15:20 | X | ^ This | Reply
- *groans*
  
  urbanfox @monoshono | 20 Mar '13, 16:19 | X | ^ This | Reply
  
  marilyninthesky this'd this
I think I'm developing a fetish

for girls sitting on tables

Fuzzy_Dunlop | 20 Mar '13, 16:31 | X | ^ This | Reply
- I'm guessing dining tables...
  
  amarite?
  
  NoahVale @Fuzzy_Dunlop | 20 Mar '13, 16:42 | X | ^ This | Reply
More boardroom-type tables

but I see where you're going with this

Fuzzy_Dunlop | 20 Mar '13, 16:53 | X | ^ This | Reply

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