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I would love to see him in a Jacques_el_biscuit thread on appropriate condiments:
"This could also easily have happened in Chicago. In my long career as a hotdog glutton slash connoisseur I've seen people shriek at their hotdog artists (let's agree that all food prep work is artistry) over ketchup.
The most profound memory I have is of a customer at a hotdog shack who looked like he was going to cry after discovering ketchup on his dog. It traumatized him. I was just paying for my meal when he came up next to me and placed his dog to the counter. His voice shook as he asked the vendor, "Where are you from? Are you not from Chicago? This isn't right." His eyes were unfocused and you could see how physically distressed he was. The manager came over and offered to give the guy another hotdog, refund his money, and even add a free order of fries but the customer was too disturbed and just wandered away in a sort of daze, leaving his hotdog on the counter.
It was a bizarre and kafkaesque scene of social alienation, painted in ketchup. I've feared and respected the condiment ever since."