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Feeling a bit 'gloomy Tuesday' today: give us a laugh eh?
what do you call a man with no body and a nose? Nobody knows...
I said to the girl in the shop, "I want to buy a hat".
"No, for myself!"
Why are quantum physicists bad in bed?
Because when they find the position, they can't find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can't find the position.
What's mercury's favourite genre?
What's Iron Man's drag-queen alter ego?
Bloke walks into a chemist and says
Bloke - 'can I have some KY jelly please?'
Chemist assistant - 'Im afraid we dont sell it sir.......have you tried boots?
Bloke - 'BOOTS! I want to slide in, not walk in!'
Here all week.
Used to love sadism, necrophilia and bestiality but I realised I was just flogging a dead horse.
some rotten cunt split on me
I'll tell her it's pronounced 'spade' when I give it to her tomorrow.
Assassinated in a Paris tunnel
A lady walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre. So he gives her one.
Because he kneaded a poo.
he was caught in a trap.
I should have seen the signs.
A strong currant pulled him in.
She always said she wanted to be treated like a princess.
A man had a horrendous accident when he was younger, and ended up having to have his penis amputated. In order to subsitute this doctors imported a drozen baby elephants trunk and stitched it on. It to the guy years to come to terms with this, but eventually he plucked up the courage to ask a girl to 'TEA'. During the meal, the elephants trunk would creep up onto the table, grab a bread roll and head back underneath the table. Each time the guy panicked but luckily it seemed that the lady was so deep in conversation that she didnt notice. After about the 3rd time it happened, she stopped talking and asked what wss going on. The guy broke down in tears and explained the whole story. After he had finished the lady was also in tears. She said that she felt really sorry for him but did want to see him again and was there anyway that he could make it happen again? To which the guy replied - 'well I would love, but my arse is stuffed full of bread rolls as it is'.
Guy turned to me and said "no, but theres a toys galore down the road"?
well there's one in your window
but a priest stops him and says "hey we don't allow your type in here"
The higgs boson shrugs and replies "but without me you can't have mass"
Big Issue, sir?
if anything it made him more sluggish
do you get it?
ho ho ho hah heee lol
i know, i know
Because she had no arms
It turned into a field.
He was outstanding in his field
To get to the other side
it's a pretty obscure number, you won't have heard of it
One. They stand still and the world revolves around them.
fell down an 'ole he did!
now all my fish are dead
Stick it in the oven till it's Bill Withers
He was outstanding in his field.
One two, one two.
so there must be one in my group of friends.
I hope it's Mike - he's super cute.
I've only got my shelf to blame.
in a playground sees a boy weeing behid a tree, she goes up to him and points down, "what's that?"
The boy replies, "oh, that's my tinkler"
The girl replies, "Oh yes, my dad has two of those?"
The boy looks down, confused, looks up and says, "Two?"
The girl replies, "Yes, a small one for a tinkler and a large one to clean the au pair's teeth with"
Charles Dickens: Please, sir, I'd like a martini.
Bartender: Sure thing. Olive or twist?
James Joyce: I'll take a Guinness.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens was in here yesterday.
James Joyce: (drinks)
Bartender: And he asked for a martini and I said, "Olive or twist?"
James Joyce: (drinks)
Bartender: You see, it's funny because he wrote a book called "Oliver Twist."
James Joyce: What a shitty joke.
Ernest Hemingway: Gin.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens was in here two days ago.
Ernest Hemingway: Joyce already told me that story. Fuck off.
Franz Kafka: I'd like a mineral water.
Bartender: Olive or twist?
Franz Kafka: I can't digest solid food.
Mark Twain: Give me a brandy.
Bartender: So Charles Dickens came in the other day and ordered a martini.
Mark Twain: Did he take an olive or twist? Ha ha ha!
Bartender: (tearful) You did that on purpose, didn't you?
Virginia Woolf: I'll take your second-best cognac and unadulterated experience.
Bartender: We don't have that. This is a bar.
Virginia Woolf: Patriarchy! (drowns)
A gastric one.
What country is a French banana? La banane.
Why do countries stink? They're in continents!
Just a taster of my best material! Might post some more later.
Just the people who are in charge of that decision
Barman replies: "Sorry, I can't serve you. You're off your face."
Barman says: Is this some kind of joke?
fuck knows where I came.
-That sounds more like a psychological issue, whereas I deal mainly with physical ailments.
...and so i said to him, ''that's not a copy of John Steinbeck's 'Of Mice And Men', that's my wife!''
I told him you can have Toy Story, Cars and Finding Nemo but I'm never gonna give you Up.
A neutrino walks into the bar.
Barman says: Are you sure?
but nutrinos don't move faster than light
apparently they're not a dating agency.
It'll end in tears though. She's shit at snooker.
"Where to" said the man
"Back here" I replied.
Unfortunately, it didn't work. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
should have read the whole thread, posted it by the snail comments above!
Two more if I move my bike.
Don't worry though, the Police are looking into it.
you can keep the tip
She said, "I've just had this bridge put in, and now I can't say my 'f's, or my 'th's"
Dentist said, "well, you can't say fairer than that then"
the barman says "sorry mate, we don't cater for functions".
My wife says it'll kill me, but I think I'll be 0K.
she's in a korma now
i know, i know, it's serious.
The one with the smallest mew...
the bastard lied about his handicap.
clint eastwood makes your day*, anal sex makes your hole weak
*never understood how clint made your day, i mean i know it was one of his catchphrases., but...
internal logic is paramount. 0/10
She ain't no Houellebecq girl.
Kid A, mate!
You can't 'marmalade' your cock up a bird's arse
No, she went of her own accord
You can beat an egg
Yes. She's my wife.
No, she went of her own accord
Yes it did, now what kind of cheese?
(another one from the department of funk that is my back catalogue.)
-doctor doctor, i've hurt my leg in several places!
-well, don't go there anymore.
Both went behind Matthew's back and crucified their load.
Asked him about the advantages of living in Switzerland.
He said - 'The flag's a big plus'