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Who is the Secret footballer? (speculation thread)

MrBones [Edit] [Delete] 58 replies 14:34, 14 August '12

this was a decent read: http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2012/aug/10/secret-footballer-undercover-premier-league

so, who is it?
salacious side note: who is the cuckold?

The Checklist
1. Is he English?
2. Is he currently married?
3. Has he played under at least 4 managers?
4. Has he had a transfer between 2 Premiership clubs?
5. Was he a Premier League player in January 2011?
6. Has he played with a group of French players at one club?
7. Has he played with a striker who refused to move unless the pass went exactly where he wanted it?
8. Did he play for one manager for a considerable amount of time who was great before losing it?
9. Has he played for a manager who lost the dressing room?
10. Does he have a friend who plays for Liverpool?
11. Might he think Harry Redknapp is the Messiah?
12. Has he appeared as a pundit? (TSF probably doesn’t do so)
13. Did he have a long term girlfriend as a younger player?
14. Had/has a strong father figure.
15. Not an Arsenal or Man City player.
16. Did he play a match at some point towards the end of March or first few days of April 2011?
17. Not a keeper.
18. Has a daughter.
19. He played with Paolo Di Canio -removed by public demand
20. Someone who’s got a chat about ‘another season’ coming up -see revealing tweet post
21. He’s been involved in a last day relegation battle
22. He’s played for a newly promoted Premier League club
23. Has been subject to a deadline day transfer
24. TSF is Caucasian
25. Has a good friend who is African and has played for a team in Russia
The Evidence for the checklist points can be found in the following:

candidates often mentioned.

Nicky Shorey
Joey Barton
Jody Craddock
Kevin Davies
Paul Konchesky
Kevin Nolan
Adam Johnson
Michael Turner
Steve Sidwell
Phil Neville
David Dunn
Leighton Baines

My bet is Kevin Davies, his wife also writes for the INDY http://www.independent.co.uk/sport/football/news-and-comment/transfer-deadline-day-its-not-about-the-money-money-money-6297988.html

probably been done before but the argument is ongoing in the office atm.

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  • isnt there a website dedicated to this?

    meths | 14 Aug '12, 14:35 | X
    • of course, that's where I stole the checklist from ...

      MrBones @meths | 14 Aug '12, 14:36 | X
  • I'm sure Barton doesn't know the meaning of the word secret

    soapy | 14 Aug '12, 14:36 | X
    • sure plenty of what has been said is Barton-esque

      but he isn't exactly unforthcoming

      soapy @soapy | 14 Aug '12, 14:37 | X
      joeymahone this'd this
  • Nicky Shorey.

    Though i always thought it was Danny Murphy, meself, as i'm sure a lot of people did.

    (i've not read the clues, etc, etc).

    forzaborza | 14 Aug '12, 14:37 | X
    Silentcommand this'd this
    • He is a sound bet, I think it is Davies, Shorey or Kitson.

      Any of these currently poring out and being benched for it?

      MrBones @forzaborza | 14 Aug '12, 14:39 | X
    • I thought that it was Murphy at first, but not now.

      marckee @forzaborza | 14 Aug '12, 14:41 | X
    • he says in the article

      that he's been a record transfer signing for a club, and also player of the season 2 years in a row, which rules out Shorey.

      I think Kevin Davies is a good bet.

      _thegirlwith_ @forzaborza | 14 Aug '12, 14:50 | X
  • i'm past caring

    shrewbie | 14 Aug '12, 14:38 | X
  • Anyone remember Antonio Valencia crunching someone?

    Verbal | 14 Aug '12, 14:38 | X
  • I thought Danny Murphy was nailed on...

    but presumably he doesn't fit one of those criteria. Find it a bit hard to believe Kevin Davies had Cheryl Cole wrapping her legs around him in a Dubai swimming pool.

    MIDDLEMAN | 14 Aug '12, 14:40 | X
    • that wasn't about him, it was about a handsome friend of his

      Abbey Clancey having a bonk of Sheringham.

      MrBones @MIDDLEMAN | 14 Aug '12, 14:42 | X
      • Is abbey clancey more famous than Peter Crouch in any circles?

        I guess so, just immediately thought Chezza when I read it. Sheringham is such a vile man.

        MIDDLEMAN @MrBones | 14 Aug '12, 14:44 | X
    • nope...

      just re-read the extract and it was a mate I see. Probably right then, it's my favourite column most weeks - bit depressing that he is prime candidate tbh.

      MIDDLEMAN @MIDDLEMAN | 14 Aug '12, 14:43 | X
    • based on that and the French thing

      i reckon it's an ex Arsenal player. Matthew Upson?
      i don't care though

      shrewbie @MIDDLEMAN | 14 Aug '12, 14:43 | X
    • Danny Murphy ^^

      Songs_about_ducking @MIDDLEMAN | 14 Aug '12, 14:44 | X
    • I don't think it was Cheryl Cole -

      I don't think he'd be silly enough to put a story like that in, barely a few paragraphs after calling Ashley Cole a cunt.

      marckee @MIDDLEMAN | 14 Aug '12, 14:44 | X
      • we can hope though.

        MIDDLEMAN @marckee | 14 Aug '12, 14:46 | X
  • Kevin Davies

    Jordan_229_2 | 14 Aug '12, 14:41 | X
    _thegirlwith_ this'd this
  • Should be easy to narrow down:

    how many of them could even spell Marcel Proust let alone quote him?

    NoahVale | 14 Aug '12, 14:48 | X
    • that'll be a sub-editor at work.

      Verbal @NoahVale | 14 Aug '12, 14:51 | X
      • Yeah - made me smile though

        Typical Grauniad. If it'd been in The Sun they'd have said: "I sniffed the ball and had a proper flashback to something that happened years ago. A bit like that guy in Life On Mars."

        NoahVale @Verbal | 14 Aug '12, 14:59 | X
  • i stopped reading the article last year cos it was so un-insightful.

    meths | 14 Aug '12, 14:49 | X
    shrewbie this'd this
    • the last straw was when he enlightened us that yes, footballers do like having expensive gadgets.

      meths @meths | 14 Aug '12, 15:06 | X
  • His articles are constantly brilliant

    And I'm not even a football fan anymore

    http://www.whoisthesecretfootballer.co.uk/

    Gringo | 14 Aug '12, 14:55 | X
  • Andy Johnson's the latest one i've heard

    was fairly sure it was Nicky Shorey or Danny Murphy though

    brusma | 14 Aug '12, 14:55 | X
    • yes, i've heard that, but would he pass the medical to sign for QPR

      if he was badly out of shape?

      MrBones @brusma | 14 Aug '12, 15:05 | X
      • especially as he was out of contract?

        If he was as depressed as he is in the article surely he'd just pack it in

        LordLuciusBanter @MrBones | 14 Aug '12, 15:19 | X
  • Whoever he is, he comes across as a bit of a wet blanket.

    DanielKelly | 14 Aug '12, 14:57 | X
    • It's a guardian column, pal.

      Verbal @DanielKelly | 14 Aug '12, 15:05 | X
  • hmmm

    1. Is he English? SKD
    2. Is he currently married? SKD
    3. Has he played under at least 4 managers? SKD
    4. Has he had a transfer between 2 Premiership clubs? SKD
    5. Was he a Premier League player in January 2011? Yep
    6. Has he played with a group of French players at one club? Yep, Djorkaeff, Yves-Andre, Ngotty etc..
    7. Has he played with a striker who refused to move unless the pass went exactly where he wanted it? Can imagine Anelka or Jardel were like that
    8. Did he play for one manager for a considerable amount of time who was great before losing it? Sam Allardyce
    9. Has he played for a manager who lost the dressing room? Sammy Lee
    10. Does he have a friend who plays for Liverpool? Probs
    11. Might he think Harry Redknapp is the Messiah? Dunno
    12. Has he appeared as a pundit? (TSF probably doesn’t do so) Yes he has
    13. Did he have a long term girlfriend as a younger player? He did, then married someone else
    14. Had/has a strong father figure. idk
    15. Not an Arsenal or Man City player. yep
    16. Did he play a match at some point towards the end of March or first few days of April 2011? cba to check
    17. Not a keeper. yep
    18. Has a daughter. yep
    19. He played with Paolo Di Canio -removed by public demand (hmmm?)
    20. Someone who’s got a chat about ‘another season’ coming up -see revealing tweet post - dunno what this means
    21. He’s been involved in a last day relegation battle yep
    22. He’s played for a newly promoted Premier League club aye
    23. Has been subject to a deadline day transfer dunno
    24. TSF is Caucasian yes
    25. Has a good friend who is African and has played for a team in Russia. dunno

    Verbal | 14 Aug '12, 15:05 | X
    • good work Verbal.

      MrBones @Verbal | 14 Aug '12, 15:10 | X
    • now do it for any other footballer and see how many ticks there are.

      meths @Verbal | 14 Aug '12, 15:40 | X
      • no

        u

        Verbal @meths | 14 Aug '12, 15:46 | X
        • i shant.

          because it's completely futile.

          meths @Verbal | 14 Aug '12, 16:19 | X
          • http://r3dux.org/wp-content/uploads/2010/03/ResistanceIsFutile.gif

            Verbal @meths | 14 Aug '12, 16:23 | X
  • it's much more likely to be some no-hoper squad player.

    meths | 14 Aug '12, 15:07 | X
    • He was once a premier league club's record signing though

      so if that were true he'd talk about being a massive flop, which he doesn't

      Kitchmo @meths | 14 Aug '12, 15:10 | X
      • Davies was blackburn's record signing

        MrBones @Kitchmo | 14 Aug '12, 15:13 | X
      • And he was a premiership team's player of the season, twice.

        marckee @Kitchmo | 14 Aug '12, 15:15 | X
  • doesn't PO

    know who this is? or was she at the wind-up when she claimed to know?

    fitzcarraldo | 14 Aug '12, 15:14 | X
    • no, that stuff refers to the fact that

      I used to go out with a footballer, and it is a secret for a variety of VG reasons (actually, I think I may have slipped up and told verbal when I was absolutely stocious after DiS football last month, but IT WILL GO TO THE GRAVE WITH HIM TOO.) (i.e. he was pissed too.)
      I don't know who TSF is.

      PickledOeuf @fitzcarraldo | 14 Aug '12, 15:20 | X
      • yeah yeah, tell us who the damn secret footballer is?

        What's super Kevin Davies like? good lad?

        (awaits slip up)

        MrBones @PickledOeuf | 14 Aug '12, 15:23 | X
      • ah apologies

        btw PO's just pm'd me to tell me it was anton rogan, phwoar!

        fitzcarraldo @PickledOeuf | 14 Aug '12, 15:25 | X
      • Oh god

        *wracks brain*

        Verbal @PickledOeuf | 14 Aug '12, 15:26 | X
        • :D if i remember correctly

          i don't though, so it's ok.

          (OR MAYBE I DO)

          (i dont)

          (DO)

          (dont)

          Verbal @Verbal | 14 Aug '12, 15:31 | X
      • What does VG mean?

        I'm going to assume it's a typo of VD.

        marckee @PickledOeuf | 14 Aug '12, 15:33 | X
      • *VD Reasons

        Jordan_229_2 @PickledOeuf | 14 Aug '12, 15:36 | X
        • well done

          marckee @Jordan_229_2 | 14 Aug '12, 15:39 | X
      • to be honest, half the internet knows you were fucking Dean Windass.

        forzaborza @PickledOeuf | 14 Aug '12, 15:41 | X
        • *Ian Dowie

          MrBones @forzaborza | 14 Aug '12, 15:45 | X
          • Luke Chadwick

            SarcasticFringehead @MrBones | 14 Aug '12, 16:11 | X
  • would they not

    throw in some untrue things that don't change the point being made, just to throw people off? Or would they have to declare that? What are the rules of journalism?

    j0hn | 14 Aug '12, 15:53 | X
    • hahahaha

      rules of journalism...

      marckee @j0hn | 14 Aug '12, 16:03 | X
      joeymahone this'd this
      • SATIRE!

        Verbal @marckee | 14 Aug '12, 16:11 | X
    • Theres only one rule...

      sharp_yet_blunt @j0hn | 14 Aug '12, 16:10 | X
  • yes they would throw in things to throw you off the scent

    also, you can imagine the sub-editor / ghost-writing assistant at the Guardian will both change a few details, and add an intellectual angle that might not otherwise be there.

    Kevin Davies does fit quite well.

    Another key fact about TSF is that last season he seemed to have a drop in form, and was the subject of some degree of discontent from his own fans.

    kostenurky | 14 Aug '12, 16:35 | X
  • Could it not just be a Guardian hack?

    ShinjiKagawa | 14 Aug '12, 16:57 | X
    meths this'd this
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