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when I was about 9 or 10 we had this new history teacher in who seemed a bit off from the beginning. he would kinda stalk around the room and peer over your work with one hand on yr shoulder (sometimes stroking) and stand way too close, pushing his body against you and generally be fucking creepy. also he got boners. which was kinda funny when yr that age but there was an air of nervousness. he was also an unpleasant, short-tempered man.
anyway he was there for maybe a week or two and after a big assignment was due this one kid hadn't done it. he was the snotty loser at the back, never really did or said anything, but normally worked. the teacher called him out and he remained silent. after a few repeats, he snapped and bellowed 'ADAM WHERE IS YOUR WORK' and this meek lil' dude with a sunken chest cleared his throat and said loudly and clearly, with a smirk, "I would have done the work, sir, but I was too distracted thinking about your massive erection". stunned silence, before the teacher - after fucking ages - murmured something. the rest of the lesson was very subdued but had this brilliant afterglow.
somehow this slice of heroism spread around school and eventually to the teachers common room. they had been a bit suspect anyway, someone made a quip about it and we never saw that teacher again.
That's all I have to say about my primary school. Nothing funny really ever happened as funny generally means naughty and you couldn't get away with anything at a school that size
and washed his pants in the sink in the toilets. There was a small bit of shit in the plughole after he'd done it. It stank the whole school out (small village primary weren't it)
I swear the corridor next to the toilets stank for WEEKS afterwards.
we had to take turns presenting to the WHOLE FUCKING SCHOOL. about 130 kids. my turn came and i was using the OHP and as i was wheeling it into the hall it went over a bump (like the ridge thing at a door that keeps the edge of the carpet down) and the fucking thing jumped off the trolley and got smashed to shit. i thought i was going to fucking vomit. not amusing at all. still makes me feel scared.
She was blonde like a princess, and I was shy so I never spoke to her. But I used to fantasise about rescuing her from perilous situations, like there'd be someone sawing a circle of floor from under her feet (like in the cartoons) and I'd yank her out of the way, just in time.
Then one day the teacher said "Debbie van Dyke, for heavens sake close your mouth. You're always walking around with your mouth open, it makes you look like you're stupid".
I suddenly realised, Hey yeah, she *does* always walk around with her mouth open, and it makes her look like a big ole retard. I instantly fell into whatever the opposite of love is with her, and later that year I threw a stick at her in the playground.
who even in year 6, aged 11, went for a wee by pulling his trousers and pants down to his ankles like a little kid so his bum was showing. In hindsight this kid was more than likely a bit special needs so I guess it isn't that funny.
Not making this up or embellishing at all - on one insane day at school, four ambulances had to be called out for four seperate incidents (I can't actually remember any being called on any other day while at primary school).
1) In morning break my mate Ryan ran into a wire fence and got a loose bit stuck in his head. He was literally stuck to the fence. Said it didn't hurt at all, he was a proper hard bastard about it, had to be cut free and taken to hospital by 1st ambulance. 2) In a PE lesson after break one of the female teachers slipped over and slipped a disc in her back. Taken away on a stretcher in a neck brace in 2nd ambulance. 3) At lunch Richard ran into a wooden fence and impaled his hand on a nail sticking out. It was fucking odd, he passed out at one point and we thought he was dead. Obviously he wasn't dead he'd just fainted. 3rd ambulance came and took him away in floods of tears. 4) These three things totally shit everyone up and we spent the afternoon hardly moving or speaking. Rumours went round that the teacher that had been taken away had had a heart attack and was dead (not true). One girl, who had bad diabetes, had a panic attack. 4th ambulance carted her off. All in one day. The date? Friday 13th. Ooo-errr!
And the Friday the 13th bit is just made up
all of those things happened, on a Friday 13th in the summer term of 1994. Fucking spooky.
about ten people per year group, two or three year groups to a class.
A boy shat himself on the way to school. Came to school anyway, managed to hide it by saying it was dodgy pipes in the school every time someone mentioned it (old school, often problems with radiators etc so believable) and was getting away with it until he was caught scooping it out during lunch break.
of the boy who was really desperate for a shit, went running out to the toilets - didn't make it - and shat on the cubicle floor in front of the toilet.
He was caught using bogroll to try and scoop it off the floor and into the bowl.
None of us REALLY knew what it was but we didn't believe him and told him to bring it into school, the next day he brought in a bag of privet leaves. Cue mockery.
Leigh Brown took off his uniform to reveal that he'd accidentally just chucked his uniform on top of his Spider-Man pyjamas
the walls were green (but not after curtis was done with them)
i remember being extremely horrified