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I'm bored and just want to sit and draw anyway...come into the thread and chat
went to asda to get some milk and i forgot the milk but i DID get a tub of ice cream which i just ate. now i feel sick. probz gonna go for a piss in a bit
and now I'm deliberating getting a delivery tomorrow before i go out, i have 12-2 but that is gonna be a pain.
The only nice thing i have is drinking chocolate which i just made.
its really sunny outside, i want to go for a walk by the lake and feed the ducks. i might, got some tiger bread in my bag from lunch. they're still calling it giraffe bread in sainsbury's, i thought it was just for april fools day. but apparently not
not sure when it's gonna start. argh.
You don't know when the holiday is gonna start?
Here's your packing list
summat to read/watch/play with in all the waiting times
I'm going to Portugal, I haven't been out of the country for a loooong time so i'm a little scared about how hot it's going to be.
Good list. I'm doing without a phone though which should be nice.
Have a good time in Portugal. I have never been abroad proper so am looking for somewhere hot to go in August
I have mince in the fridge. Should I make chili or spagbol?
Um spagbol. The last two bands to get my attention (out of hundreds) on hypem have been australian, what to make of this? http://hypem.com/track/1mjr7/BATTLESHIPS+-+In+Retrospect
Oz is the new UK for catchy indie
Ok will make spagbol. Will let you know how I get on.
started a new writing project kind of thing idk
might get some BoOzE soon
need to book indietracks campigg
someone remind me pls
hope you feel less depressed. Mcnuggets should work.
did you buy anything.
Never had a duck burger, is it in the kind of classic hamburger minced style?
I think I might head to the shop to get some sweet so I can stay up all night and mess about with a song.
I'd never leave that room
No direction or motivation.
now it's the summer i just have fuck all to do and even though i properly hated doing exams/essays it's really really hard to make myself do anything anymore cos i don't actually need to do it ever.
Basically the next 3 months are gonna consist of watching football/playing football manager/that's pretty much it.
that's what i'm doing atm.
I am the same, without work i just sit and do nothing at all. I need a manager of my LIFE
managing my own is more tricky
Think we need to start being those people who have to-do lists
I've thought that a lot.
they don't even need to be older or tell me off really. Just someone that organises me to do stuff. Maybe with them.
What i mean is i need a girlfriend. ANY TAKERS?
Thinking instead I might watch Mad Men, only starting season 3 now.
Was vaguely considering going out but I really can't be bothered, so I'm going to have Madden 12 cheat at me some more and order a takeaway.
by layering lots of guitar over itself on audacity
and i can't shake it. son of a bitch.
Try and do fun things if you can
But it has hit me again, fucking crept up more than normal but yeah big time unhappy
but I made friends with a bunch of awesome people (and had a totally Mark Corrigan "YES! SOCIAL ACCEPTANCE!" moment as a result that I dared not voice as they all really like Peep Show) and we had a few drinks so I only got home a little bit ago and I've had toast for dinner.
I have to be back at work at 10 tomorrow. BOO. It's quite boring but a job is a job etc
Fought off three men for a shitty, plastic coat then did the same again to get my boyfriend one. Stood in the rain for ages waiting for deathcab for cutie. Death cab canceled. Couldn't be arsed with standing around being cold and wet for another six hours so I'm back at the apartment now watching casualty and nursing my ruined feet and fingers. Might go to bed and read soon.
Got booze, but there's fuck all on the telly and it doesn't feel like a Saturday night. I'll probably just look for stuff on Ebay, not buy anything, watch City win the league again then go to bed. Help...
Now I'm listening to Low. SATURDAAAAAYYYY.
Living in a small town sucks.
sorry for this, but if I don't share, I'll probs just fucking curl up in a ball and cry. not gonna make a thread either.
I feel deeply alone. it's something that's been getting worse ever since I came home from uni.
I can't remember the last time I opened myself up emotionally or otherwise to anyone in person. I don't feel like there's anyone left in my life with whom I have a really natural, deep connection with.
not even family. my mum is a cold-hearted shadow of the person I loved, my closest sister, who was my main link to the past/the world has her own life in Leeds, and we hardly text or phone each other anymore. and I don't think I'll ever really feel that close to my other sister or my teenage nephew, who I see quite often.
and my friends have all drifted away, even though I've tried to stay in touch. there are a few who I keep in touch with, but I only see them a few times a year.
and I don't see myself becoming more than casual aquaintances with people I know through work or football.
thought I was making progress of late, with inhibition and such, but it's dawned on me that I've just been shutting up shop. the ways in which I've tried to make myself less succeptible to falling apart in day-to-day life amount to a hiding away of vulnerable parts, of acquiesing with the mundane and oppressively awful aspects of life, in the expectation that some kind of reward or relief would come. I haven't dealt with anything, I've just locked it away, deep inside, along with everything else of my individuality, and thrown away or lost the fucking key.
sorry for this. idk. no-one else to share it with.
I can empathise with a lot of what you've written -- largely the feeling of losing touch with friends, and the feelings of post-uni loneliness, the worries of losing your individuality and feeling directionless.
I'm trying to keep optimistic about it, trying to do what I enjoy while looking for some sort of job (more broadly, any means of furthering my own independence and getting more self-confident), and trying my best to meet up with the (admittedly) few friends still living around here and everything.
I don't know what I really wanted to add, since - as I said - I'm pretty anxious too: scared of losing touch with the friends I made at uni, worrying that I've just left the last stage of my life where I could really say that I 'fitted in' with people, and that I'm just going to throw away all my enthusiasm and individuality... it doesn't help that the old "none of this will matter when I'm older" because now I AM at that stage that seemed so idyllic when younger.
It was kind of good to find that I'm not the only one with such anxieties and worries. Best of luck and I support you, despite the fact that you're a stranger.
so sorry in advance if any of it is borderline incomprehensible.
that feeling of being beyond the point of being able to fit in, I think I understand. I can't help thinking/feeling that beyond these last bastions of youth, people raise shields, calcify. I worry that I will never be able to make any more true friends, that the open-heartedness and lack of inhibition deserts most people.
which is sad in itself, but even then, most people will have family or a few friends to take solace in.
I want to open up again, but I was open before, and life ruined me. and I think some of my supposed friends baulked before open-hearted me.
I can't cope with any more rejection, humiliation/mockery, any of those risks.
I had to piece myself together from scratch after the emotional (and physical) torment of my early/mid teens, it was hard enough braving the world first time round.
fuck, I just want to stop talking. you can't open up about any kind of suffering, ever, because (with rare exceptions, like you, m-b) it'll just bring out the shitty, self-righteous bile of people who don't believe in the pain and suffering of others relative to the extremes of suffering, like it's even relative. or just apathy.
I desperately want to open up about how badly I was bullied as a kid, how it's affected me, to fucking wail, to be clutched by some by some being of infinite compassion, but you just can't.
why am I still typing. I might have to leave now.
And i sort of love it...it's good to be able to voice your feelings so clearly even if they aren't postive ones
I normally just write these in a word document or obfuscate them in song, in a way that mystifies and distances from anything self-centred/self-pitying.
I feel a little better to have just let some of it out.
a good place to start might be to meet a few fellow Manc DiSers at a gig or something. they seem like a friendly bunch.
perhaps a support group as well if, as you say, you're worried about talking to close mates?
I'd like to, I really would. probably should. I get paid on Friday, so I can at least finally afford to.
I have considered support groups for anxiety/depression, but not bullying, as yet. I guess I wanted to be able to relate it to friends, but I don't even think my own sisters understood the extent to which it still affects me until I broke down in the car when expressing despair at my nephew having trouble at school.
but yeah a few of us were talking about a wee meet up soon, will make a thread if/when it happens.
the reason is because you are an intelligent person and you can see what's going on. But the thing to try and do is think LESS, don't think of what you do or don't have and just try and enjoy what you do and make sure you are outside as well, don't stay in. Go out plenty to gigs and stuff as well.
'and I don't see myself becoming more than casual aquaintances with people I know through work or football.'
why not? do more things? make friends from dis as well
including the fact that this method had contributed to my unhappiness.
I see DiS as my main hope, but I still dread rejection, still find it hard to open up, reach out, to trust anyone completely again.
it's an impossibility
I understand. I mean, emotional trust, not as in entrusting a task. which you understand, of course. we're talking about the same kind of trust.
like how you want to, but definitely they're good to go out with
but some kind of friendship beyond convivial vagueness would be nice.
move somewhere else.
just been sat in my bed reading and then i watched s03e02 of breaking bad
Probably going to do drink until further notice. Cheers.
sorry to hear that.
genuinely sorry, whatever the case. I only hope it's someone you can get over quite easily, and that it doesn't weigh heavy on your heart for too long.
but not the king?
and therefore is not of royal blood, so to speak. So he can't be the Monarch.
King is presumed to be a more senior title than Queen, so a Prince he is.
He's kipping on my settee but I reckon he's probably off on some post-festival dance binge in town and probably won't even end up coming here. So I'll just sleep.
Had my birthday party last night. I managed to restrain myself from trying to rekindle an old flame and I'm feeling good for it. It's for the best. I also had an awkward moment with my friend's flatmate that I hope doesn't make her forever awkward. I was polite but felt cruel.
I've made a pact with myself that I won't consort with girls that I'm connected with. Via friends-of-friends, work, old Uni flames etc. From now on it's complete strangers only. Seeing someone you know nothing about and learning about them from scratch seems like the way to go.
finishing with someone you see everywhere is such a drag and if they're friends with all your friends it's a paranoia nightmare.
the worst thing is going on nights out in a group they're part of. the variety of potential dilemmas and problems it throws up when alcohol is involved is endless.
girl I kinda like is moving to Canada soon. also just seen many of friends from university for what I'm sure will be the last time EVER, probably
bittersweet party it was
They sounded like four single cell amoeba with a Milburn record.
I went into town afterwards to catch up with mates who I haven't seen in a while. They bailed on me, after coming back from Blink-182.
Basically, I've cut back drinking loads and it's made nights out a little stale. I'm a bit down and I think I'm due in for a existential crisis pretty soon, regular as clockwork. Listening to American Football is a bit of a catalyst.