If all the trees rose up against us would we be able to defeat them?
Rules
• immediate atrack from all trees, we are unprepared.
• tree top speed of 3mph across the board.
• trees have reasonable flexibility of limbs (branches) with which to bash you.
• they have a general collective will to kill all humans but they don't have strong tactical skills.
• we (non-trees) can use anything at our disposal.
• ignore the huge environmental issues
Who wins?
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Come on mate, it's fucking Tuesday!
I absolutely love it anyway by the way
Good use of bulletpoints.
can they open doors?
No but the big ones can smash doors and most can break windows and lean in a long wat.
wat
Long temples
He said
No but the big ones can smash doors and most can break windows and lean in a long wat.
Thank you
It's been a while since we've seen them on these boards.
i think you'll stick for this, but i'm glad you've log-ged on and branched out into such threads
if i were you i wood do the same.
Fucking 'elm-ate
What's wrong with yew?
We've got destroying trees down to a fine art
Thousands of years of practice, axes, fire...
Add to that them trying to kill us.
We've got it nailed
Aye
Equip all humans with a can of lynx and a lighter and we've got this sorted
parp it from some trees
we'll shit 'em
Humans.
but it'd be a close run thing.
We'd probably lose south america entirely and much of the nordic nations due to use of tactical nukes.
Africa would be mostly safe as would the middle east.
The trees are too vulnerable to fire to pose too much of a threat IMO
the question is how much of society will burn down along with them .
Pyrrhic victory for humanity.
Yeah but they are on you immediately.
Look out the window, those fuckers are coming straight for you before you can sort out a flamethrower.
You inner city kids might be ok.
At home, I'm dead.
Yeah, I can't see any trees from my windows
Or my windows at home. Plenty of time to stock up on petrol before they turn up. Then probably die in a huge fireball trying to make a molotov cocktail whilst busy shitting myself because there's a bunch of big fuck off trees coming at me.
Please avenge my death
no.
No worries
I'll be sure to put on my sunglasses and say, "this one's for Balonz you woody bastards," before I toss a lit cigarette into a pool of gasoline and take out the King Tree.
I am hoping there would be some slow motion jumping
away from an even slower moving explosion occuring here.
You knows it
possibly even through a window. The sunglasses will remain in place the whole time.
Bucking convention
you could jump through a window /into/ a building to escape the King Trees firey death by explosion.
Saviour of the human race, and also an original spin on a well worn cliche.
<Applause>
Interesting
Perhaps I can jump in through my own window and get this shit wrapped up in time for Pointless and a cup of tea.
I was hoping to walk off down a dusty road afterwards though. Where am I going? Who knows. Mysterious as fuck.
where are these 3mph trees?
the limited tree terrotories (nepal, greenland etc) will do ok, but lack of humans is a real problem there!
Although, Nepal has the Ghurkas.
The Nepalase will save us (and we will refuse to knight them)
the tribes living in the amazon would be absolutely fucked
and it's pretty much game over for Brazil before it's even begun. i reckon we'd have have a chance over here though. flamethrowers and napalm would be pretty effective.
Couple of points that need clarifying before I can make my assessment:
1) Do triffids count as trees?
2) Can the trees talk like in Lord of the Rings: The Movie?
1) yes
2) some rudimentary creaking mainly for positioning but no talking
Okay, and how quickly can they uproot?
I'm not seeing them being a big problem in London, and country-folk all have shotguns, chainsaws and small armies of inbred children so they should be fine. Maybe let's just write off Surbiton or somewhere like that.
They are moving at 3mph immediately
I'm not willing to discuss the science with you.
let's not forget the old tradition
of carving declarations of love into prone trees.
I assume the trees feel pain?
we'd also have to track down anyone specialising in draining sap. can't afford to write off any attacking options.
and of course Lord of the Rings: The Book?
I'm looking forward to the reboot of this thread
where the trees can run fast and have developed intelligence.
Perhaps we'll keep the odd sample chained up in the yard
I think in Britain we'll be fine.
All the large collections of trees are in remote areas and we can organise and prepare for them attacking. We'd lose a % of the population but be okay.
Globally things may be worse. South America might fare badly. We might ultimately have to nuke it to stop the trees from spreading. Either way it's a fucking good job the rainforests were destroyed as much as they have been before all this happened. Hurrah for corporations!
Stopping from spreading where?!
Cant imagine theyre gonna mass produce boats or planes or something
They could make boats out of their weak
or just float off. Whatever they fancy really.
this is what I'm talking about down thread
they can make oars and everything.
luckily, it'd take them ages to get anywhere by sea, and we'd sink 'em with our mighty metal arsenal before they got anywhere.
seriously starting to doubt the ability of trees to mount an offensive, Balonz.
I'm jst a bit upset that I'm almost certainly one of the human casualties
Not as dead as Dicko but dead nonetheless.
yeah
it's a good thing wood doesn't float.
A few trees floating in the sea doesnt strike me as a brutal coastal assault?
But what happens when the massed tree armies of the amazon
have laid waste to the americas along with the redwood tribes raising havoc from the North?
They'll all head for Japan to free their brethren who have been tortured and mutilated for generations.
Only Gojira can save us now!
Fuck Japan
You cant save everyone
You say that now
but where's all the good technology and interesting video games going to come from in the post-apocalyptic treeless world?
The US? A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Yeah!
DUUUUHHHHHHH!
People in Lincolnshire would be alright, very few trees.
On the other hand, they're in Lincolnshire.
A hollow victory if ever there was one.
This is true, haven't you got ROOTS in Lincs?
Bet you're glad youdeceided to BRANCH out etc etc
I reckon I could punch a tree in the face and knock it out
do it, do it now....
Living in London, i'd have plenty of time to build a tree-resistant bunker
pfft. A few litres of round-up and the threat would be gone in a minute
You guys deal with the Redwoods
I'll do the bonsai.
there are a couple of palm trees outside my flat's entrance
I reckon I could fuck up
if they're yucca's, they've got quite sharp edges to their leaves
they'd shred you to bits, they also don't burn that well.
just set them all on fire in the first 10 seconds.
no contest.
Are you prepared to set a tree on fire right now though?
I've got trees right next to the window in the office so I'm pretty nervous tbh but I've got a can of deodorant in my desk draw and Dave next to me smokes so I'll get his lighter. I think I'm going to be OK, I'll head out the back entrance towards the car park
How would trees kill humans anyway?
If they only go at 3 miles an hour we could easily outrun them all
and then set them all on fire.
same with zombies, but they still seem to cause havoc every now and again
I'd worry about suicide trees
consider all the large trees in suburban areas, in close proximity to houses. as soon as the attack begins, great old oaks and chesnut trees uproot themselves and fall on the nearest pair of semi-detatched abodes.
I won't feel so bad the next time I get rudely awoken by council-appointed tree-surgeons. pre-emptive strikes, innit.
I'm pretty surrounded by 'em at work.
First plan of action, once I see the big feckers out front chapping their twigs on the window, would be to jump out the back window, vault the fence and get across the car park to homebase. I reckon that would be a decent enough place to create an impromptu Barracks. Argos and Asda are next door to Homebase, so no need to worry about food or entertainment in the immediate future. More food across the road at Morrisons if we can make it, plus a petrol station for MAXIMUM FIRE.
Wooden zombies are basically what we're dealing with here, right?
Occasionally really big
wooden zombies that don't infect you when you get hit.
So, really, not much of an apocalypse.
question
can the trees use bits of themselves to fashion weapons?
I'm thinking a phalanx of Douglas firs with Douglas fir bows & needle-barbed arrows.
No but really bendy branched ones could pick up small items
I also don't see why a mighty oak can't pick up a hatchback and smash it through your face.
if they can use tools
I reckon they can use themselves for tools. I mean, yeah, a lot of these trees are old and wise, but there will definitely be savage trees who sacrifice their own for battle purposes.
i will dress up as a tree and join them
and become their leader
I'm currently wearing wooden underpants
Maybe they'd leave me alone.
I've seen Lord of the Rings
and the Ents fucked those Orcs up.
So trees would clearly mess up humans. Imagine a moving, violent redwood?! I'd probably be defeated by a Sapling...
...that could only move at 3mph.
seriously babies could outcrawl these guys.
yeah, but babies are small and weak
I hope you're not suggesting we send babies into the fight. the trees would probably pick them up and start throwing them back at us.
i just snorted in the office. thanks.
but why the hell not? just send in all the babies with cigarette lighters. the trees wouldnt know how to deal with it. sure you'd lose a few babies, but there are always casualties in a war.
I think they'd be all to happy to pick off our young
you know when a tree has a hole in its trunk, and it kind of looks like a mouth? in the event of trees coming to life, I'm pretty sure they'd be actual mouths.
there would be crazed Ash trees picking up babies with their many branches and stuffing them horribly into their trunks.
Forget about the babies
We can always make some more in the awkward sex scene shoehorned into the film two thirds of the way in. Not me and you specifically, of course...
There are no winners in war
apart from the winners.
and occasionally the losers when they get loads of money to rebuild after a particularly nasty defeat.
They only beat the orcs because the majority of them were off in another fight
so unless they plan to distract us by first luring us into a war with the shrubs out of town we should be fine.
Actually where do the shrubs stand on this?
Are they rising up too? Will the plants be marching with their giant friends too in this leafy jihad? Perhaps they'll be neutral? And what of the funghi? Will we have allies in the world of flora and fauna or are they all against us?
Shrubs are like the swiss
ooh no, we're neutral, it's not our fight. We're not trees.
Funghi, mercenaries
I think the trees have more to offer them than we do...
This could be a worrying development
All they have to do is get into the water supply, then suddenly we're all too busy tripping balls to put up much of a fight...
kid a > the king of limbs
treefingers
attatched to tree limbs, reaching through your windows and smashing up your precious human luxuries.
this is a tough one
with my limited experience of destroying trees, there are a few main factors that would determine the outcome:
was it raining the night before the attack?
how big and thick are these trees?
it would take a lot to get really damp trees burning, and by that time you might be crushed completely. if you set a big one on fire, chances are itll crash into any structure you're holding as a base and also set it on fire.
i think the best solution would be to go underground (there are no trees underground) and devise a plan with whatever limited resources are at hand, and hope the lust for human death is strong enough that they don't notice/are distracted long enough for you to execute it
i guess the best way to get them would be to possibly blow up cars/large explosions and hope it takes away their roots (main support) so they just collapse. i'm not sure.
this is a serious threat though guys.
How big and thick are these trees?
They are the trees you see around you everday. The tree you lean against to take a stone from your shoe, the tree that sheltered you from the rain on your first date to the park, the tree that tore out your larynx in a bid for wooden domination.
well i would be fucked
i live right next to a park, and also saltburn woods is about 10 mins away.
they'd especially be angry as i live on the coast and this town is famous for lifeboats, made from local wood sources.
The tree you lean against to take a stone from your shoe, the tree that sheltered you from the rain on your first date to the park, the tree that tore out your larynx in a bid for wooden domination.
Dear post rock bands: please use this as an album title.
I assumed the thread title was already a post-rock album title
The line you quote is really more of a track name.
That's a fair point
Someone should e-mail Red Sparrowes: they'd love this shit.
I'd head straight to Shetland
Very few trees there a perfect place to plan a fightback.
see also: Iceland
plus they have volcanos that can be used to burn wood.
icelandic trees are tiny
they'd definitely be sacrificed by the might oaks
Wonderful thread
I live very close to a park, so I'd be fucked. I have faith that the rest of you would continue to fight the good fight against arboreal domination.
BUT WHY WOULD THEY DO THIS??!
D':
The root thing is a good point though
They probably wouldn't last long without them. So does that leave them thrashing about like divs in one place most of the time then?
I could fuck up a forest I reckon.
No way. Like, not a chance.
I've seen trees like this. V scary.
How would you line up your heavy trees?