In bullet point form for your convenience:
* Balotelli is given a ban for possibly booting someone in the noggin.
* Crouch may be charged for poking someone in the eye.
* Redknapp dodges tax, twitches.
* Dave 'Nuggers' Nugent scores a peach as Leicester beat Soton 0-2.
* Everyone wants Crystal Palace to win tonight.
* Ferdinand encouraged to shake hands with Terry [/Sepp].
* Quinton Fortune drafted in to the United squad.
* Tevez will only go to Milan, but not THAT Milan.
* Sneijder won't go anywhere.
* New Preston manager texts dropped players.