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How well do you handle the pressure of this with a long line of people behind you?
Me – not well. Not well at all.
It's your moment to shine. Take longer if people are getting annoyed. I hate people and anything i can do to play on their frustration a'll take advantage of.
People need to get a life and put things in perspective.
Your moment to shine...
just lick your fingers.
plastic bags, lucien, PLASTIC.
The number of times I've hunched over the packing bay and done the twiddling thing and gotten nowhere and then realised that time was passing and moved the point of focus up to the handles to see if there was better purchase up there and failed again and are the people behind me wondering why I haven't started packing my items yet and start literally pushing my finger through the plastic to try and DIG an entry point and success! FUCK COCK PISS PARTRIDGE it was just two bags stuck together throw one of them into the loading bay which starts the red light flashing and UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA! UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA! they're definitely talking about me now especially that couple that were directly behind me spin around and silently mouth I AM SO SO SORRY gather up all 10 items in a giant bear hug and shuffle out like a hunchback.
All I have to do is lick my fingers to avoid this?
I think this is a clear case of *shouldn't be using self service tills*.
knowing exactly the type of pressure experienced by our boys on the ground in Iraq
it just makes them slip on the plastic more
no, I can't do this anymore
no, i can't do this anymore either
never happens to me.
quick lick of the fingertips and i'm in
not only is it quick, it's great if you have a cold because you stand a decent chance of infecting the poor mug next in line
I just make a mental note of the morons who were before me, and also are attempting to do it at the same time. They've all taken far longer, needed help, fucked it up, or generally been failures of some kind. If you take longer than other people, just join the easy queues thats made for the mongs.
If the reason I'm there is because I've breezed past some old crone waiting nervously for the real-life checkout assistant to become free (and pretending not to see the free automated checkouts) with a cocky "you going to use that one mate?" there's more chance of seamless bagging. There should be Led Zeppelin's Kashmir playing in the background when you do that walk to the checkout
I’ve got there by asking “you going to use that mate?” to the old crone who was next in line and waiting nervously for the only checkout assistant to finish while pretending not to notice all the free automatic checkouts, I'll normally be fine. In my head, Kashmir by Led Zeppelin should be the soundtrack striding past these
looks like you need a Smee sponsored workshop
Does licking your finger stop panicked deletion when someone walks past your screen?
So one side is longer than the other, just prise them apart, et voila
Each side has two kind of flaps. One is longer than the other. This allows you to easily pull the flaps away from each other opening up the bag
literally not following.
Because i KNOW that every so often, Sainsburys ones dispense the amount of your shopping in change, even if you paid on card. It's rare but it happens.
Trust me, i the guy that has to try and fix them when this happens.
It's like winning the jackpot if it happens. Unlikely, but possible.
Always check your change and reciepts people.
These things are by no means perfect and the fuck up all the time.
I only got 4 more weeks of this shit so fill your boots.
i imagine a massive red flashing arrow appearing above my head with the words 'THIS GUY IS TAKING TOO LONG!'.
a simple machine would recognise when i AM actually using my own bags.
and then put your bag on and then press done? IT ISN'T HARD.
There is your problem then. you have to do what it tells you to do.
2. Dab them somewhere (someones face) to make them tacky
3. Open bag.
As a matter of fact, i had never thought of it as pressure until now. Maybe i will struggle in the future with this. Bastard!
then get massively angry at the machine for claiming there's an unexpected item in the bagging area. Is it really that unexpected to find a bag in the bagging area? Especially after I've chosen the option of "I'm using my own bag"?
And how much can I put in the bag before I tell it I'm using my own bag so it thinks the weight of the bag and the stolen goods is just the weight of the bag?
hence being massively confused when you try.
but the people who scan and pack their stuff as slowly as is humanly possible, while stopping to chat to their friend at the same time, while there's a queue of 20 people lined up behind them > absolute belms.
has 8 machines, arranged 2x4
H-H-H-H-AVE Y-Y-Y-YOUR N-N-N-NECTAR C-C-CARD-D-D-D?
look that behind the scary door.
I love the self-checkouts. It's made shopping for my lunch so much quicker and less iritating.
Maybe you should buy one of those bags for life, you absolute melon.
'Salad for lunch and sarnie for dinner again sir?'
I prefer a normal checkout.
'Salad for lunch and sarnie for dinner again sir?....you sad, lonely fuck.'
As autumn/winter is soon upon us, the salad will be out and I'll start having hot lunches - maybe I'll return to the normal checkout for a bit of interaction and food based bants. I'll still have a sanger for dinner though.
you should be fucking ashamed
I don't get home until 8 and can't be arsed to cook / prefer not to go to bed still digesting my dinner. It has helped me lose some weight. You should be ashamed of YOUR MUM.
you sandwich consuming MONSTER
I'm well into soup. People in work think I'm weird because i only have half tub of fresh soup (like the big ones you get in supermarkets)
but lunch is my main meal of the day. Soup is a starter or a snack.
where the flip do you work?
I'm aloof and only talk to people to say hillarious stuff, resulting in the whole office rolling on the floor with laughter.
Today I made a joke about a guy wearing a swimsuit. He didn't really get it but I found it funny so thats all that counts.
God help the rest of your workplace
which i tend to always do in tescos cos their bags are so crap.
fella who knocks about Stoke Newington High St wears.
Answer was "lick it", as it usually is to most questions
I have done scientific tests on several occasions - even as a whiz on the self-scan, it is less hassle for someone to swipe it while you chuck it in a bag. Especially when you have booze or loose fruit.
I just need to pay for this stuff.
I've only got a packet of biscuits.
(never clear on where I'm supposed to swipe said card - I tried running it through the credit card reader the other day but nothing happened so I just got embarassed and carried on.)
This is a joke, right?
ha ha. of course it is.
I generally try and avoid self-service altogether.
Things turned nasty the other day in Asda when I had THREE assistants trying to unlock the machine. Humiliating. After 10 minutes I said "have I been charged for this?" and they said "no" and I walked out and went to Sainsbury's.
more like this in my forthcoming autobiography...
I'll start another thread on how to scan your Nectar card.
Actually, I'll save on my carbon footprint and just say; you use the barcode on the back and scan it like a product.
I know you were joking zexy. But someone else will find that useful I'm sure.
MINE DOESN'T HAVE A BARCODE. IF IT DID I WOULD HAVE TRIED THAT. I'M NOT MEOWI... I'M NOT DAFT.
it does, after all, have a barcode.
from hero to zero.....so this is what it feels like when doves cry?
Get out of all of the supermarkets I sometimes use.
so I use smegma
This makes it easy to open the bag. Sorry that I couldn't provide a double entendre here, maybe just imagine I said "flaps" or "gigantic penis".
just off to get my lunch.
Salad and sarnie, natch. If I have any japes at the self service I'll report back...doubt I will though, I'm a fucking pro.
not that you'll need it.
This meant I had to wait and watch people fumble around, doing it wrong. When a til became free I was in and out in seconds... I felt like Leon from that film...err....Leon.
People that had started before me were still flapping around like injured seals as I sailed out of the door inspecting my Nectar points total, courtesy of my receipt.
As I walked out into the sunlight I was left wondering, "I wonder if those people are distant relatives of Lucien?"
If you habitually have problems opening the plastic bags at self-service counters, don't use them. They aren't meant for you.
no problems whatsoever. none at all.
Sainsburys bags are a lot easier to open than Tesco bags. They tend to have the correct level of stickiness to adjoining bags so that they are prised open when the previous bag is taken. I think that Tesco bags are meant to do the same, but never do.
This is an ex-thread. It has joined the choir invisible etc.