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internet, internet, internet, internet
I need to start lying.
Seriously, how do people lie?! It's almost a talent. Almost.
- Ability to lie
for exactness, but I can't put women in my coffee.
I can technically speak conversational French, but only with a particularly slow toddler. And I can speak some Italian and Welsh, but some does really not amount to a level I should be putting on a CV.
Aside from that I'm hella talented so really no need to lie.
Only if the conversation goes:
'Was ist das!?'
My French is useless and I didn't lie on my CV, but they can see from my qualifications that I'm actually quite well qualified in the language and appear to have made the jump that I'm quite as good now as I was at uni. In the early 90s. It was just A LONG TIME AGO, and of course asking for a strawberry ice-cream, and even discussing Camus in his native tongue is one thing. Arguing over the interpretation of an indemnity for an African mine is quite another. It's rather awkward.
OWYOOSAY and a shrug
I'm sure you'd do fine.
i'm actually pretty scared of them
In reality, I enjoyed reading Science Fiction and Fantasy.
imagine if they'd found out the truth. shit would have hit the fan
You genre nazis make me sick.
I didn't intend to say it but I said something else and thats what he took it to mean so I just left it at that. I hoped he would forget about it but he mentioned it several times after I started the job.
There's no "I" in team, but there's definitely a "U" in Cunt.
in reality i spent the summer getting wrecked in leeds
Mostly bits of writing work.
they love it when you use the word 'eager' and spell company with a capital C
I'm too scred of the consequences if I was found out.
for my Warwick Uni application for law stated i had done several placements at various officers etc
Hadnt done a single thing and barely knew a jot about law
They let me in
When in fact I resigned to avoid being sacked under horrible circumstances, then thought, 'what the fuck am I going to do now? Err, start a degree?'
spill the beans!
one job i went for had in its contract something like "the bulk of your time, energy and emotion (emotion!) is to be devoted to the best interests of the Company"
they read that part out in the interview. i walked out. i did not regret it.
What the fuck are they talking about?
opening envelopes, stamping envelopes, franking envelopes, office stock replenishing, etc.
...when in reality I had never used Access in my life. I did know that an Access For Dummies existed however...
To land a job?
Or flirted/worn revealing clothing etc?
Since then though, no way. I have very strong (anti) feelings about that kind of thing at work. it's hard enough to get respected in certain industries without having a rep for putting it about.
i onced got grabbed by the pony tails whist sitting in my chair, BY my boss... making rude jokes all the time!
I could have had such a claim in there for sexual harassment.
Right now I'm working in a tight vest and thong. The women of my office can barely concentrate.
that I've forgotten what the real results were, but I can recite my fake grades from memory (they're only marginally tweaked rather than out-and-out bullshit, though)
I also like to put in there that I used to run an educational film production company for young aspiring filmmakers, when in reality a friend of mine, a media teacher in an FE college, and another friend of ours from film school spent a few months trying to help one of his students make an atrocious horror film for his own university applications, during the course of which we found out this kid was a mental full-on Christian (the crazy kind) who wanted to make an exorcism film 'the way it really happens' as an educational tool for his weird sounding church group. The film remains unfinished.
...at the place I'm currently working a 40 year old woman has recently joined whose CV has been subject to a random audit. The one thing on her CV that they asked her to substantiate? Her A-level history grade. From 22 years ago.
I'll have to own up to my lacklustre performance in A Level Philosophy. What a poor choice that was.
...should have done a proper subject instead. Like maths, or fighting.
but Sartre is smartre.
I thought that would have been good for a B grade.
Wittgenstein is all well and fine,
but Nietzsche is nicer.
you need somebody Junge.
That's not quite as good.
Descartes may well be the boss,
but John Locke is a character in Lost.
Aristotle is worth a punt
but socrates was a misogynist cunt
UCL Application: that i'd read loads of lorca plays (which i'd researched on wikipedia). Most of the interview was about said plays, and I was the only person to turn up without a suit (I think I wore a BSS t shirt and skinny jeans) They gave me a place.
Bar i worked at: that i'd worked in 3 pubs including my student union, and that I was an acomplished cocktail mixer. I left the job before they found me out.
bbc internship: Made up loads of shit about putting on events for my student radio/said I'd been a presenter on it for about a year, when in reality, I'd gone in a couple of times and fucked about on the boards, recording myself with various effects filters etc.
People with jobs: lying twats
You're all fired.
You employ nobody, liar.
I could use someone with your astuteness on my team.
The truth was that twice a week I locked the shop doors.