Everyone here? Good. Don't worry about taking off your hats - I get how it is.
So. Four months ago, against my better judgment, I decided to try a new hair-growth formula that was claiming to work 'for nine out of 10 men'.
Obviously, because I knew that my own denial and hope could cause me to see an improvement that wasn't there, I told no-one but the mrs that I was going to use it.
For a month, nothing changed, but because I'd committed, I carried on reapplying every morning and every night. Still no-one knew.
About half way into the second month, colleagues at work who have long ribbed me about hair loss made a few surprised comments about it coming back. I stayed happily quiet and hoped it wasn't a trick of the light.
At three months, old friends who hadn't seen me for a while asked me what was going on, and were genuinely impressed that I was no longer losing hair, and that it was looking thicker. I was still a little bit wary of it being a coating that just made my remaining hair thicker, so still I stayed quietly hopeful.
This month, I went for a meeting with someone I hadn't seen for two years. He asked me if I'd had a hair transplant, seriously, pointing out that even the little bald patch on my head that I'd long had now had hair on again.
Maybe the long term effects will give me a million cancers or something, but I actually have more hair - a LOT more - than I did four months ago.
It's over. It's finally over. We can all cry together, if you like.