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i've run out.
I'm a boring fucker.
I was incensed.
That would be oar-some
It was an Ariel attack.
He went apeshit.
I was skating on thin ice.
The Crate Escape.
PS. For the benefit of humanity can someone come round and shoot me before I post any more of this rubbish.
you'll be ploughing a lonely furrow.
*Cocks revolver, puts in mouth, pulls trigger*
punching someone in the face and sex are very similar: I will probably never do either and they're incredibly depressing to watch.
That's my favourite ever joke
But after reading the whole thing, :D
you can't. you can only get it from a goose!
that's a pain in the arse
Look for the fresh prints.
it was in tents.
Beekeeper A: "How many bees have you got?"
Beekeeper B: "I've got 10,000 bees”
Beekeeper A: "How many hives have you got?"
Beekeeper B: "I've got 20 hives"
Beekeeper A: "20 hives; 10,000 bees?"
Beekeeper B: "Yeah. How may bees have you got?"
Beekeeper A: "I've got a million bees"
Beekeeper B: "A million bees?!"
Beekeeper A: "Yeah"
Beekeeper B: "How many hives have you got?"
Beekeeper A: "One"
Beekeeper B: "A million bees - one hive?"
Beekeeper A: "Yeah, fuck 'em, they're only bees"
This kind of joke = best kind of joke
Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shíte.
A guy was driving around Dublin when he saw a sign in front of a house, *Talking Dog for Sale.*
He rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard.
The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there.
*You talk?* he asked.
*Yes,* the Lab replied.
*So, what's the story?*
The Lab looked up and said, *Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Garda about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.*
*But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.*
The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog.
*Ten euros.* the man said.
*Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?*
*Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shíte.*
I wasn't talking to you bitch
A Texan man walks into his marital bedroom with a duck under his arm.
He looks at his wife lying in bed and says
*Honey this is the pig I've been fucking*
His wife responds
*I hate to break it to you darling, but that aint a pig, that's a duck*
To which the man says
*I wasn't talking to you bitch*
"A man went into a chemist's and asked for a bar of soap. The chemist said, 'Do you want it scented?' 'No,' said the man. 'I'll take it with me.'"
Joanna Newsome who?
Joanna Newsome better 'knock, knock' jokes than this one.