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I was savaged by a turbot.
Percy: "Yes, I've heard that"
EB: "Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead, to remind me I'm best"
...which I'm not going to give you.
Blackadder: Yes it is - not 'that it be'.
belts off, trousers down
isn't life a scream
Of course, God made man in his own image. It would be a sad look out for Christians throughout the globe if God looked anything like you Baldrick...
Two people you know well have exchanged coats and now you don't know which one is which.
Blackadder: And that his enemies might have something to go with their potatoes!
Nursie: [tearfully] You mean they put him in the pot?!
Blackadder: Yes, your fiancee was only a third-rate sailor, but a first-rate second course!
He says it just before he picks up the phone but it's a dog instead
I remember that episode.
It's the one where he falls over whilst wearing rollerskates in the plate shop.
And then he rolls down the hill in the bathtub
Any bird who wants to chain herself to my railings and suffer a jet movement gets my vote.
Bishop of Bath and Wells: I am a colossal pervert. No form of sexual depravity is too low for me! Animal, vegetable or mineral – I'll do anything to anything!
Blackadder: Fine words for a Bishop. It's nice to hear the Church speaking out for a change on social issues.
Captain Blackadder: The idea was to have two vast opposing armies, each acting as the other's deterrent. That way there could never be a war.
Private Baldrick: But, this is a sort of a war, isn't it, sir?
Captain Blackadder: Yes, that's right. You see, there was a tiny flaw in the plan.
Private Baldrick: What was that, sir?
Captain Blackadder: It was bollocks.
- sir do you mind if i change just one tiny aspect of the poem?
- whats that?
- the words.
M: You mean you crap out of the window.
Ahhh that was a lovely story. Now how much do you charge for a good, hard, shag?
A THOUSAND POUNDS
Cancel the state funeral, tell the king to stop blubbing, Flash is not dead! I simply ran out of juice! And before five hundred girls all go 'oh, what's the point in living any more?' I'm talking about petrol! Woof!
last person i called darling was pregnant 20 seconds later. WOOF!
and the mound of the hound of the Baskervilles, I'd probably have let them stew in their own juice!
Send the bitch with the wheels right now, or I'll fly back to England and give your wife something to hang her towels on!
his country, his principles, his friends, the glistening tear on the cheek of a golden child. But personally I'd mud wrestle my own mother for a ton of cash, an amusing clock, and a sack of French porn.
- oh good lord no.
In the school debating society, I was voted the boy least likely to complete a coherent...
Blackadder: Come on, the moment that collection of inbred mutants you call your relatives heard you were sick, they'll have sent you a hamper the size of Westminster Abbey!
George: [outraged] My family is not inbred!
Blackadder: Come on, somewhere outside Saffron Walden, there's an uncle who's seven feet tall with no chin and an Adam's apple that looks like he's trying to swallow a ballcock!
George: I have not got any uncles like that! And anyway, he lives in Walton-on-the-Naze!
G: Well, we didn't take no for an answer, and have, in fact, been working all night. I've done B.
E: Really? And how have you got on?
G: Well, I had a bit of trouble with `belching', but I think I got it sorted out in the end. (burps) Oh no, there I go again! (laughs)
E: You've been working on that joke for some time, haven't you, sir?
G: Well, yes, I have, as a matter of fact, yes.
E: Since you started...
E: So, in fact, you haven't done any work at all.
G: Not as such, no.
E: Great. Baldrick, what have you done?
B: I've done C and D.
E: Right, let's have it, then.
B: Right. Big blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in.
E: What's that?
B: I'm quite pleased with `dog'.
E: Yes, and your definition of `dog' is...?
B: Not a cat.
Blackadder: Scotsmen are barbarians! Half of them don't even speak English!
Percy: Well, what do they speak?
Blackadder: Oh, I don't know. It's all Greek to me!
Percy: They speak Greek?
Blackadder: No, I mean it SOUNDS like Greek.
Percy: Well, if it sounds like Greek, it probably IS Greek.
Blackadder: It's not Greek!
Percy: But it sounds LIKE Greek? "What's not Greek, but sounds like Greek?" Hmm, that's a good one, my lord!
Blackadder: Look, it's not meant to be a brainteaser, Percy! I'm simply trying to tell you that I cannot understand a blind word they're saying.
Percy: Well, no wonder, my lord. You never learned Greek, of course.
Which is coincidentally what you'll be getting if don't start being a bit more helpful
since Tarzan went through Jane's handbag and ate her lipstick.
CeeJay, you are an arse.
Blackadder: Gentlemen, I've come with a proposition.
Mossop: How dare you, sir! You think, just because we're actors, we sleep with everyone.
Blackadder: I think, being actors, you're lucky to sleep with anyone.
ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRunaccustomed as I am to public speaking...
George: Come again, sir? Have you gone BARKING mad?
Blackadder: Yes, George, I have. Cluck, cluck, gibber, gibber, my old man's a mushroom, et cetera. Go send a runner to tell General Melchett that your captain has gone insane and must return to England at once.
George: But, Sir, how utterly ghastly for you! I mean, well, you'll miss the whole rest of the war!
Blackadder: Yes, very bad luck. Beep.
George: Well, now, look, Dr. Johnson, I may be as thick as a whale omelette, but even I know a book's got to have a plot.
Dr. Johnson: Not this one, sir! It is a book that tells you what English words mean.
George: I know what English words mean. I speak English! You must be a bit of a thicko.
you look about as pleased as a man who THOUGHT a cat had done its business on his pie, but it turned out to be an extra big blackberry.
Well his wife can't have her!
George: you know what would cheer you up, alot of Charlie Chaplin films. Oh, I love Old Chappers, don't you, Cap?
Edmund: Unfortuately no I don't. I find his films about as funny as getting an arrow through the neck and discovering there's a gas bill tied to it.
George: Ah, beg pardon, sir, but come off! His films are ball-bouncingly funny.
as the bishop said to the netball team
I like it. I want to use it more often in conversation.
Shit, no...hang on