- Blues find form as player numbers increase
- 'Hax hand' sweeps the board
- Exclusive interview with Red ace jazzb
- Gossip/transfer news
- Team of the week named
THE DiS haxball season continued apace this week, with its lack of structure, meaning, and any sense of when an end will come or what scant reward might be gleaned for reaching it holding a solemn mirror up to the lives of more players than ever.
It was a good week for the Blues, who demonstrated a vast improvement on their mediocre performances of the first week by overwhelming the Reds in several mid-week matches. Blues captain automatik found form, as well as several key players, in time to replace star striker Duck, who was once again unable to play in most matches due to a recurring lag injury. Centre back pip was missing in action, while trumpet also dropped out of the team. In their place came new trialists ftb and shuffles, who immediately formed an impenetrable trio with attacking midfielder automatik, inflicting several stinging 5-0 defeats against a weakened Red side.
The Reds also operated with a high level of squad rotation this week, but failed to find consistency until late in the weekend. Leading scorer Bamnan helped himself to another glut of goals, though captain hofo was missed in several key games, while a slight dip in form from sweeper shrewbie meant the Red first team were not always up to their free-flowing best. In spite of many changes, the Reds were able to record several victories over the Blues on Sunday evening, with shuffles and promising young forward preludes running riot against the lacklustre Blues.
HAXBALL athletes have been complaining of a new affliction dubbed 'hax hand'. The problem stems from a repetitive strain injury incurred whilst playing too much vigourous haxball. Reds captain hofo was the first to formally address the issue, explaining: 'It's on the back of my hand very near the wrist. Typing doesn't help.' Skelly agreed that it was 'horrible' while shrewbie declared: 'It's ruining my life. I'm playing with [keyboard button] WASD because of my haxhand.' Symptoms include aches and soreness in the wrist and hand. Doctors have issued a warning to players that excessive playing may damage weak wrists, and that top players may wish to up their masturbation quota in order to develop necessary wrist strength.
Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to catch rising Red star jazzb on her off-time for a chat. Here's what she had to say.
automatik: Do you consider yourself a red?
jazzb: I sure do.
automatik: How do you think the team have done this week?
jazzb: There have been some humiliating defeats, but some great wins. I like the 5-0 ones best - when red wins that is!
automatik: And who do you think should go in the team of the week? Four players, though feel free to pick less.
jazzb: To be quite honest my memory is fairly bad. Let me consult that thread to see if there are comments, that'll help me make my decision...
automatik: That's not a problem. You know [the Blues] beat the Reds 20-1 over four consecutive games last night?
jazzb: NOOO. Poor reds! I do remember, though, playing with shrewbie against zapsta and untrue, and it going well. But my answer is probably a team with you on it. Right, I have to go to Sainsbury's now.
THERE was a lot of transfer action in the second week, with the Blues keen to establish a new first team to rival the Reds' classic starting III. Striker untrue signed formal terms for a fee believed to be around £18m, although he was cup-tied for last week's games. Highly rated goalkeeper fishplums was also believed to have agreed personal terms, but unfortunately failed his medical, and remains a Red.
Blue player trumpet has dramatically parted company with the Blues, an incident believed to be fuelled by a rift with team mate Duck. Rumours have circulated that, following a number of defensive errors, Duck was heard calling the defensive midfielder a 'tit' on several occasions. Captain automatik admits the original Blue line-up may have imploded.
Finally, the DiS Team of the Week (which no one wanted to vote for despite appeals, and is therefore made up by the editor):