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"I can find things out. It's what I do."
Said by a colleague while on a very serious-sounding phone call.
Said by my idiothole colleague.
...when I heard our old Chief Executive say
"I've always been distrustful of urns"
What a sentence... what a sentence.
But he's better than me, so probably will dig something up.
"I don't know but I'll try and find out"
I'm so glad I don't have context for it
I have a cool coat though.
"Too many cooks in a broth.... erm... spoil it?"
"It's one of those catch 21 situations, isn't it?"
I once said to someone "You wouldn't be a very good chef if you didn't break a few eggs whilst making an omelette" (I can't remember what the actual saying is now...eek)
no its gone
Too many eggs catch the early worm on the other side.
- the scales
- a diet that places restriction on the number of permitted eggs
- a hen's spirit
You can't break an egg without making an omelette
and yet so far
I hope this isn't a joke SO much.
"I hope she's not yolking"
Person 1: Oh shit, I've broken an egg!
Person 2: Ah balls, we'll HAVE to make another omelette now.
Person 1: I'm bloody sick of these omelettes...
Person 1: What the fuck happened in here? You've made such a mess.
Me: Well, you can't help but break eggs when making an omelette
"I'll just go somewhere else for my omelette"
Person 2: Wait a minute, what would happen if we DIDN'T whisk it up this time?
We'll never know...
'Get out, the saying goes you can't break an egg without making an omelette, and I'm not tempting fate'
Because I don't know what any of you lot sound like, so they seemed appropriate voices to imagine in my head.
You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs :D
But what if you're just making a one egg omelette?
Back to the drawing board.
"You can't make an omelette without breaking at least one egg."
You could blow the egg (lol i said blow) and then paint a friendly face on the shell, as per childhood Easter projects.
How about: "You can't make an omelette without breaking (or at least puncturing the shell of) at least one egg."
without consuming at least some of what was contained inside the shell of at least one egg"
without blowing the contents out and painting a friendly face on the shell."
You can paint anything on the shell. Feet and googly eyes can also be added.
you're barking up the wrong neck of the woods.
That was Russian and I was gonna look all intellectual and everything. Essentially, you're a STALINIST APOLOGIST. Or something.
"Never rub another man's rhubarb."
or completely make up new ones. I rarely notice though, it's only when someone laughs in my face immediately afterwards that I figure out I got something wrong again.
I thought that Tall and Long John or whatever the fat place is called was called Fat Man Talls. I was thinking of Biggie Smalls at the time though.
I'M SO CONFUSED.
You are correct, baconface.
I have no anecdotes to contribute, but I desperately need to stay in this thread so that I can stop myself from going back into the other one.
Will you welcome me, even though I have nothing to offer in return?
Just write out the last thing you heard in the office. Everything sounds funny out of context.
plus, I'm trying to keep the talking-to-myself under control.
i over heard once was some girl at work telling another girl about her night out . girl 1 : so did u have a good night? girl2: yea i must have i got home and had mud all over my hands n knees girl1: ahh been naughty have ya? girl 2: dont know all i can remeber is being bent over in the church yard girl 1: you pull then? girl 2: dunno, i cant remember?
haha and another good quote from same girl : 'my friends keep callin me materialistic, im not materialistic am i just cos i want a boyfriend whos got a fast car and a good job?'
Said very, very angrily. Another favourite of mine.
Sometimes, very rarely but sometimes I wish I worked in a real office to hear things like that
but this made me laugh a lot
I think it's because downstream access* is such an asinine, dull and ultimately helpful thing it's impossible to fathom getting so angry about it. And plus it's just a great, great sentence.
* - for those who don't know, downstream access is a blanket term usually used to mean "using a mailing service from a company other than Royal Mail".
"I bumped into a guy by accident and then my mum headbutted him. I was only about 5"
a girl used to keep a little notebook going of anything funny she heard any of us say, we would then intermittently go through it and laugh lots.
I might start doing this, but just for me.
Dancing around the shop to She Wolf ... with customers watching .. while doing the wolf howls.
I was very, very happy that day
"I've worked in a loading bay so I have experience in both
[bullet point] Taking things off and
[bullet point] putting things on
[bullet point] lorries"
It wasn't a jokey CV, but he MIGHT have been mentally disabled so it's a tough-call-laugh.
"it's about a bunch of people who do some crime"
To a client on the phone. This became the office motto. We'll try to try, but we can't promise anything
At least you're honest.
but the ultimate was "Im not racist, but obviously i think England would be better if it was all white"
and he was the company's 'new hope' for the team, because although he was young his cv was gold. So he calls Sony - at the time one of our biggest clients - and his opening gambit is:
"WHO IS IT YOU'RE SPEAKING TO?"
*silence, for a long time*
"Sorry, I mean who is it *i'm* speaking to?"
And that was the beginning of a very short tenure.
We later found out his most visited site throughout every working day had been "adult friend finder".
He now sells kitchens.
...thinks he's a bit of a cool, charming chap. When in reality he has about as much charisma as a walnut.
Once he was interview a lady for a position here and she was absolutely stunning. So, as you'd imagine after the interview he 'reverts to type' when showing her out and gets his swagger out. They were waiting for the lift and he was sort of leant against the wall talking to her in a Brent-esque "yeah I'm just hanging yeah". I thought, I need to eavesdrop on this, so I walked over to use the printer nearby and all I heard was:
"This lift... it's made by Stannah"
*silence. utter, utter silence*
..."I'll tell you where the proofs are, they're up my fucking arse."
<3 Children's publishing.
I would have been overheard in the office many a time shouting:
"JEREMY, WHERE ARE MY PROOFS?"
Jeremy's left now.
"In 1983 a little movie called Wall Street came out. I was born in 1973..."
*Silence as he works something out*
"I watched that movie a lot later on in my life"
It's probs a bit racist, but god it was funny. He once got annoyed at another guy trying to steal his food so he threw it at his head and shouted;
"Eat it by eye!"
LOL'd about it for months.
I don't think it qualifies as racist, because it's always so much a laughing-with thing.
The line between private and communal food was a little hazy but mostly no harm done. At some point he took great offence to a number of things and we came home to find he'd scrawled in think black marker all over the pictures/rota/etc in the kitchen "Fuck guy who eat my spread" "Fuck guy who take my cheese". I think we let him go shortly after that.
We ended up writing all his sayings on sticky-labels and putting them on the wall. I wish I made a book of them.
My favourite was when he went to lunch one day and said;
"If I late back then log in me"
My old boss, peering out of the window at all the fresh-faced graduates celebrating:
'It's time like this you wish you were a paedophile!'
He was all right though, really.
we're now having a chat about ladiez whose middle name happens to be Dorothy.
That my old boss had said to her when she was interviewing someone for an entry-level admin job:
BOSS: What do you understand by the term Equal Opportunities?
INTERVIEWEE: It means a blind Ethiopian could do this job.
They didn't get the job.
and overhear a lairy middle aged woman say, "...but then I've always had a small vagina..."
And then I walked back out. Whatever was going on there, I wanted no part in it.
Yeah, she was AWOL yesterday ..... You know what that stands for right?
No ..... its absent without permission
.... dont worry i'll come back later
"This place is the most caucasian place in the world, It'd be banging if everyone wasn't so gay"
"I've eaten so many Doughnuts this week my piss is like Jam"
"It wasn't a proper one night stand or owt, I knew his name and that"
"I'd really like to give blood but Jez gave me crabs, crabs gets in your blood right"?
Don't let clouds get in the way.
I may or may not have said 'of facts' after this.
Either way I like this phrase.
I haven't watched Masterchef for AGES.
Is this an insult?
followed by a look of pure smugness, as if he was a wise old sage with a profound knowledge and understanding of all things.
I hate him. He's a retard.
to C. Hoare & Co., the family-owned private bank on Fleet Street, I accidentally asked a female employee, "So, is it still the case that you can't become a director unless you're a Hoare?"
"I looked in the mirror this morning and thought I looked quite pretty. Well...not pretty exactly...but you know...erm...decent...okay to be seen in public. Then I saw my sister and she said..."you look a drag queen".
... about some druids.
exhumation of human remains at stone henge and how long archaeologists are allowed to keep them before they have to be re-interred. ah, my job.
One time, someone asked her if she could speak Italian and she replied with "Un poco" all smug like.
Another time, Tina Arena was blaring out of the radio and she argued with three people, me included, that is was "Tina Turner, its definitely Tina Turner, I have the album, you are wrong" etc. After the DJ announced that it was, in fact, Ms Arena she gave it the old "Oooh, I thought you were saying something else"...
Today she said: "All Dutch people have amazing skin - fact"
She provides regular, if highly annoying, entertainment!