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Nick Cave and his wife are looking for sperm donors. It is understood that Cave has Bad Seeds.
WHAT!! I didn't say it was funny. Shut up!
i'll do something topical
it brought the lolz in my office anyway
3p + 45t = 56
45p give or take a few
(k)(k)(l) Industrial Revolution
Hahah LOL gets me everytime that one, AND IT WAS ME TYPING!!!
Because it saw the salad cream. ALL OVA THA PLACE.
Q: How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?
A: Pick him up and suck his dick.
After a few more he needs to go to the toilet. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"
and they proceed to get drunk. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe."
He was on his way to a break down.
without doubt - best joke on the page right here
Because it was emmental!
Cheese, I've got cheese!
How do you titillate an ocelot?
Oscillate its tit a lot; it’s better when it’s read aloud
When I was in school I was good spelling bees, but not very many other words
A man gets on a train and sits down opposite a little old lady. As soon as they leave the station, she takes a bible out of her handbag and starts to read it intently. When they arrive at the next station, she marks her place and tucks the book away, but remains seated. The train pulls away, and again she takes the bible out of her handbag, finds her place, and continues reading, only to put it away when the train pulls into the next station. The journey continues, with the old lady displaying same behaviour at every station.
By this point the man is very curious, and he can’t help but ask. “Excuse me,” he says, “Why do you read your Bible only when the train is moving, and put it back in your handbag when we stop?”
The old lady marks her place with her finger, looks up and replies, “Why don’t you just fuck off?”
What a guy.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
"I like your belt"
One of its legs is the same.
* Heard the one about the anarchist who was killed in a condemned toilet? He was crushed by the cistern.
* What is the best cheese to use to conceal a horse? Mascarpone.
* What is the best cheese to use to coax a bear out of a tree? Camembert.
Q: How does James Hetfield like his toast?
The man wears a suit but the dog just pants.
A piece of rope walks into a bar, and the barman says "I'm afraid we don't serve rope here" and asks him to leave which violates all kinds of discrimination laws but for the purposes of comedy we'll gloss over that here. The rope goes outside and tangles himself up and cuts up his edges with some scissors.
He return triumphantly to the bar, with a look of pomp at what is about to unfold. "Aren't you the piece of rope I just denied service to?" enquired the publican, blush with the indignation at the actions of this impudent piece of twine.
"No, I'm a-frayed knot!"
i'm not going to pass it off as my own, just wanted to remind people of it. thanks.
Is likely to be a bit niche
The ultra-sound guy!!!
'cos he's a cunt
"can I have an ice-cream?"
Ice-cream man - "sure...what flavour?"
Kid - "doesn't matter, i'm gonna drop it anyway".
could only manage an hour on it before getting exhausted.
It's great though - gives out mars bars, kit kats...
Take That and Lulu
Mariah Carey and Westlife.
why did nivea cream?
cos max factor
Tequila( works best if you say it aloud.)
I don't know what came over me.
What did Ringo Starr say when his wife asked him what sort of pattern his foreplay would be taking that night?
So I went and fingered her disabled sister.
you can't marmalade your cock up your wife's arse.
"when I was ten my parents moved to (wherever), when I was twelve I found them."
Because noddy won't pay the ransom.
I was walking through Paris when I saw a man jump in the river. He was quite literally in Seine. Insane. In the Seine.
A pig with a Stanley knife
I think you must have an undercover reporter in your office LLB!
...and no windows was my idea.
"You know what mate? I could have ANY woman in this place."
Barman replies "Oh really? How come?"
"Cos i'm a fucking rapist"
if they end up on their back - theyre screwed.
Or, in the French, "a l'eau, c'est l'heure".
YES THIS IS STOLEN OFF SOMEONE ON HERE