Your are viewing a read-only archive of the old DiS boards. Please hit the Community button above to engage with the DiS !
An ideas welcome
I need to have it written by Monday.......
The key joke
Hi everyone, I'm <insert your name here>. I'll be giving <insert grooms name here> the most uncomfortable 3 minutes of his life. The most uncomfortable 3 minutes of <insert wife's name here>'s life will be coming later tonight, courtesy of <insert grooms name here>.
Ba dum dum tssss!
The best advice I got, and I would follow this is BE NICE. Tell stories and all that but the ethos of the speech should be that their your bezzy mate.
Also, other bit of advice is NOT to take ANYTHING off the internet, at all. Definitely not.
Remember, they don't want you to fail, and they really will laugh at anything. So don't be nervous as it makes them nervous.
Also, the only joke that I heard on here that I thought was quite good but I didn't use was: "before I begin the management has asked for the sake of health and safety you all don't stand on the table for my standing ovation". MEh. Depends of delivery of course.
which is nice!!!
I've know the groom for years.
Which is nice!!!
He's a bloody idiot!
His new wife is beautiful
*cooing, sighs, gentle applause*
I can't wait to shag all the bridesmaids
*mexican wave, explosion of laughter, tears of delight*
If you have any Germans amongst the audience I would caution against a 2 minute long Nazi salute.
and faeces trickling down my leg.
Slays them every time.
This is the second time today I've got up from a warm seat clutching a piece of paper
given by his brother. opening line:
"my brother only gave me one peice of advice for boarding school..."dont bend up in the shower and let another boy put his willy up your bum..."
tumbleweed isnt the word.
actually i've just remembered i went to a wedding last week in wales. he married a french girl, so half the guests were french. the father of the brides speech was in french - each paragraph then translated into english by the bride. it took about 45 mins and i dont think she did the english version as he wanted it to come out. oh and then the best mans speech literally went like this:
"thanks for all coming...they make a lovely couple...carolé looked lovely...to the bride and groom..."
and then sat down. to be fair to the guy, he's a little bit socially backwards. he had to go to a group job interview the week before: after a few hours of the interview, the interviewer asked, "does anyone have any qestions?" and he put up his hand and said, "can i go home please". brilliant man.
Say nice things, bung in the odd cheesy joke.
Recently saw my friend do teh speech for another good friend - both are Chemistry boffins, cue the excellent "there's always been a certain chemistry between us".
Also told an amusing story about a youn groom being sick on a doctor finishing with the line "I can tell by the grooms face he isn't happy that I've brought this up, but then again, neither was the doctor in that story I just told"
It'll be mad deep.
If it is not, you may struggle for the next ten minutes. Don't use inappropriate stories, don't reveal any sordid secrets, don't be afraid to deviate from the 'script'. Don't keep looking at the 'script'. I was incredibly nervous when I did mine a few weeks ago, and I really had to get myself together to get through it. In the end it went down pretty well. So do your best to just put on a brave face and dive in. Forget crowd reaction until your first laugh, which comes surprisingly easy. Repeat: DO NOT APPEAR NERVOUS. Practice the opener and ending in your head so as to make sure you're making eye contact with the room/the people you're talking about. And, yes, be nice as said above. Apart from the entire room laughing, the bit I knew I had done alright was when I got a full room 'awwww' for my final sentiments to the groom. I wasn't expecting that, and I believe it allowed me a free pass for my awkward, fumbling beginning. Good luck and try to enjoy if you can.
Do it as a song
When I was one of two best men we put various embarrasing photos from the grooms childhood to present recounting tales from childhood, how we met etc, picture says a thousand words and all that. Other best man did tell the story of my mate ironing naked and catching his old boy on the iron.
Organise a sweepstake relating to the length of the speech, £1 a go 50% of fund to charity 50% to closest estimate.
Key joke goes thus;
Give out around 10-20 keys to various male guests, during the speech you announce that one of the brides ex's still has a key and ask if he could return it, cue 20 blokes getting up to much hilarity placing keys in pot. Do the same for the groom but this time the brides mother chucks the key in, hilarity ensues.
I'm doing Larkin's "An Arundel Tomb".
Whatever you do, don't read that.