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Ron: Harry! Hermione was pushed down the stairs!
Harry: What! Was it serious?
Ron: No it was Snape.
serious sounds like sirus, another character. the humour comes from the misunderstanding that ron thought harry was asking if it was the character sirus, rather than adjective. with this misunderstanding, he answers that it was snape, another character.
did it take you long to come up with that joke?
NOW it's funny.
my cousin told a joke at a family party last week that went on for ages and ages and ages. it was about some cowboy. i didn't get it.
and the only animal they had in the whole place was a dog.
It was a shih tzu.
I agonised over whether to write shih tzu/shit zoo for a whole three seconds before posting.
I'm still laughing about it, a full 2 minutes afterwards.
How did the cheese walk around the circus?
(he made it up)
but he only had 12 followers.
Dobby (unwrapping): Ahh Ron, you shouldn't have... oh... a comb? Thanks. I'll never part with it.
Ron: I'm separating all the letter 'o's from my spaghetti hoops so that I can spell out the ghostly noise I heard in the grand school hall yesterday. Basically it went "ooooooooooooooooooooo" and I've been excited all day about spelling it out for you, my fellow child magicians.
Hermione: Why didn't you use the Cheerios at breakfast?
he's an alcoholic and is destroying his family.
It was driving down the road and it turned into a field.
AM KNIGHT IAMALAMB
Not a bleedin' stick!
"Hi I need some stuff for doing magic and all that" says the youthful magician. "And what might that be, young Harry?" said the large bearded shop assistant. "Hold on, I've got a list here. Right... first of all I need four candles."
That's not terrible, that made me laugh.
it also made me laugh.
A missile silo officer falls asleep during his watch, with his face on the control board and "red button". As his superior officer comes in, the officer snaps up and proudly reports: "Nothing to report during my watch, comrade Colonel"
"Nothing to report, you say? Nothing to report?! Then where the hell is Belgium?!!"
Cause it was dead.
Cause it was dead too.
The other three monkeys hit it on the way down.
2 eggs, lightly beaten
YEAH SURREALIST IM SO WACKY
His microphone broke.
behold drop_b and his wonderous compendium of jokes from 1998
1998 was the year I became obsessed by the internet, I spent a lot of that year online looking for bad jokes.
Web forums back in 1998 worked properly.
they are pretty slippery
what is a cow's three favourite films?
'speed', 'demolition man' and 'the net'
(bit clever that one)
which channel do crocodiles like watching the news on?
channel four news with George alligator
I'M HERE ALL WEEK
well done! feels good yeah?
who's the 'craziest' actor in hollywood?
how do you do a rebuild?
A car park.
My coat you say? Why certainly...
"Okay," I said. "You can have Toy Story, Wall-E and Finding Nemo, but I'm never gonna give you Up."
said I'm never going to lend you Down.
Root it oot!
(makes sense if you're Scottish)
"NO, WITH A KNIFE!!!"
works every time
it was fucking intense.
Sexy Weans! (Weans=kids in scottish)
Park in it man.
put it out man
A pilot, ya racist.
kick him in the balls
is walking through a sunny park. He says a couple he knows from his street and says "best hurry back folks, it's going to piss it down." The couple look up and see nothing but clear blue skies, so they carry on walking.
Two minutes later it starts pissing it down. The wife turns to the husband and says
"I guess that communist neighbour of ours, Rudolf was right! He must be a weather expert."
her husband replies...
"Oh yes, Rudolf the red knows rain dear."
David Bowie song would a demolition expert sing while knocking down a block of flats in his wrecking ball-equipped crane?
Thats all mine and if it crops up on Mock the Week or something I'm going to be bloody annoyed
"Where's my tractor?"
Oscillate its tit a lot
Like a vindaloo but a little otter
What's black and runny...
... Linford Christie
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint
of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?'
The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham
and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of
beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the
pub, (because word gets round), gives the rabbit the pint and the
Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman.'
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and
toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down
The next night there is standing room only in the pub.
Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.
The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year
Toastie, please barman,
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are
right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'
The rabbit looks aghast.
The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears
his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like
The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.
The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let
down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'
'Ok', says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the
He then waves to the crowd and leaves.....NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who
has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.
When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white
form, floating above the bar.
The barman says, 'Who are you?',
To which he is answered,
'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public
The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.
You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and
Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'
The rabbit says, 'Yes I know.'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any
Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.
The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'
'I DIED', said the rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'
After a short pause The rabbit said...
whats a yiddish goat's favourite drink? Mountain Dew!
whats the roundest deer in the forest? a doe-nut!
where do sheeps buy all their jumpers? Bleatish Home Stores!
whats a horses favourite tv show? Neighbours!
whats a sheeps favourite fast food chain? Baaaaaaa-urger King!
Why did the mushroom go to the party?
Because he's a fun guy.
A Male Pornstar
A Male Pornstar Who?
Can't I just come in (your face)?
mental isnt it?