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My son - "I've got an idea!"
Me - "What is it?"
My son - "A CAT!"
have you ever spoken to anyone, ever?
5 year old writer, 29 year old illustrator.
Is it like those comic strips that Theo posts that I don't get? Are they funny cos they're not funny? What's Axe Cop?
Axe cop, and all the characters therein, are created by a 5 year old writing the plot and dialogue. The illustrator is fantastic, so it looks slick and polished, but it means you get completely insane tangents and a child's imagination behind the stories. it's lovely.
Had it contained anything like the response you gave me, I wouldn't have needed further clarification. Cheers
Me: ' ... I didn't say anything.'
Girlfriend: 'Oh, I thought you did.'
At least twice a day.
What's Axe Cop?
And she never will be. Not marriage material, you see.
If y'all are just trying to fuck with my head, it's working
in classic US sitcom It's Always Sunny
A cat is an idea, a GREAT idea.
it's a pretty good idea.
^ great band name
FFS, that was staring you in the face.
Me: That's when I have to go
Girlfriend: Can you stop doing it?
Think about this.
(Do you always get in from work at the same time as your girlfriend?)
just before I leave in the morning and when I get back in.
Yes, we work in the same town and catch the train to and from work together. Sweet, isn't it?
just think about how much money you could be saving on toilet roll
Swings and roundabouts.
Dan: The train is on its way
Me: How do you know that?
Dan: I can see the smoke over there
Dan: Have a look
<3 second pause>
Dan: Oh yeah, trains don’t run on steam anymore
Me: Not for one hundred years
Dan: Fuck I really need some sleep.
Me: ...and some book learning
Dan And some book learning. Yes.
DOES ANYONE SMART WANT TO BE MY FRIEND?
*Wields air-raid siren*
the cat has already been invented. Your child is a THIEF
I feel like everything I've ever believed in has been a lie.
you'd think you were amazing until you found out that someone had already done it.
If my boiling water device ever takes off, it's people like that I'll really feel sorry for. Chumps!!
(after john lennon had put out an album with himself and yoko ono naked on the front of it)
ringo starr: this might be cool for you john, but we're the ones that have to answer for it.
john lennon: you only have to answer the phone, ring.
Email to everyone in the office:
"Hand in your time sheets before 12pm today please!"
Email to everyone in the office AND the girl who sent it out:
"Marmalade and handcuffs!!!!!!?????"
will keep you posted.
I meant to ask you something
...I MEANT TO ASK YOU SOMETHING
What was your question, sir?
That's a bit weird.
Shut in a room with no form of language, he has adapted his own.
'A cat' actually means 'you will all die on the 80th sunday of my life.'
Why is that weird?
but we're not meant to talk about it. Oh God, I just said 'talk'....
You know, talking kids.
he kept muttering something about cats
someone: alapa ala al LOL
i'd love to see what he thinks up next.
i miss the little guy.
Me: I've left my computer on
IT guy : You can turn it off if you like
Me: How do I do that?
IT guy: Just go start and then shut down.
Made myself look like a complete moron. I know how to turn a PC off and I don't know why I asked how!!?!
Me: Alright mate, 20 lucky silvers
Guy in shop: £6.70 pal
Me: There you go
Guy in shop: £0.30 change pal
Me: See you after
Guy in shop: Cheerio
You some kind of street pirate?
Woman: That is £8.30 please
Me: I only have a tenner.
Woman: Ok I have change
*rummages in bag*
*puts bag on floor*
*tips bag contents onto floor*
*scrambles around for £1.70*
*hands it to me*
*starts scraping together all the contents again*
Woman: You can just close the door.
Beautiful, just beautiful
Cold caller: hello? Is that a Mr Macdonald?
Me: It's 'a' Mr Macdonald, who's calling?
CC: ok...are you Mr Macdonald?
Me: Yeah, I'm pretty sure I am for the last 26 years or so.
CC: *laughs* ok..,I'm from *insert name of kitchen/windows company* so is Mr Macdonald there?
I hang up.
My English team member: "oh right."
that was funny
do you mean the one asking about whether there is a Goverment in a certain country?
i think i was thinking of something else. but that was good too
F: "I mean, the calendar was established ages and ages ago. Surely they didn't get it exactly right? Why hasn't anyone checked using modern technology EXACTLY how long the year is yet? We could actually be in August right now!"
Me: "I... I'm pretty sure that at least one curious scientist would have checked this by now. And you'd notice how much colder it was in summer..."
F: "But it WAS really cold last summer! Anyway, if they found out that the year was a different length, I don't think they'd tell people, would they? They'd keep it under wraps. It'd cause too much trouble to change everything round. The year could be 432 days for all we know."
'Is Your Girlfriend Smarter Than Judge_B's Kid?'
Me: Single, please
Me: [a little bit louder] Single, please
Driver: Oh right.
(15 minutes later, when I'm getting off the bus)
Me: Right, cheers
Dad: What do you fancy for dinner?
Me: I dunno, Dad, I haven't thought about it.
Dad: How about...um...pasta?
Me: No, I had pasta at lunch...
Dad: French toast?
Dad: How's the French toast?
Me: Aye, not bad.
Dad: Is it as good as your mum's?
[Pavement start up a song I can't remember the name of]
Julian: What song is this?
Me: Um...I'm not sure, to be honest.
Julian: Oh right.
Me: Why are you going to work so early?
Girlfriend: Because you can fuck it up your arse
Not really any answer to that.
But thanks for checking.
GIRLFRIEND: So what's happening on Saturday for Steve's birthday
ME: I don't know. We're meeting in the pub at 7 and that's all I know.
GIRLFRIEND: Where are we going afterwards?
ME: I don't know. I have told you everything I know about what's happening. I don't know ANYTHING else.
GIRLFRIEND: Well, we won't be staying in there all night will we?
ME: I DON'T KNOW! You know as much as I do about it, I've told you everything I know.
GIRLFRIEND: Ok, sorry... Shall I wear heels or flats?
ME: I don't mind
GIRLFRIEND: Well, if we're going out after the pub it would be good to know what shoes to wear
ME: I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE DOING. SERIOUSLY.
GIRLFRIEND: Fine, I won't come then.
He is a conglomeration of the annual round of birthday folk.
This year, Steve will be between 25 and 28.
I dont have anything else to add.
Girl: This reminds me of Alladin.
Boy: Brighton's a shit-hole, isn't it?
Girl(same girl, who lives in Brighton): Well, at least I don't live in Rectum! [She meant Wrexham]