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...cast-iron, stonewall legend.
A man gets on a train and sits down opposite a little old lady. As soon as they leave the station, she takes a bible out of her handbag and starts to read it intently. When they arrive at the next station, she marks her place and tucks the book away, but remains seated. The train pulls away, and again she takes the bible out of her handbag, finds her place, and continues reading, only to put it away when the train pulls into the next station. The journey continues, with the old lady displaying same behaviour at every station.
By this point the man is very curious, and he can’t help but ask. “Excuse me,” he says, “Why do you read your Bible only when the train is moving, and put it back in your handbag when we stop?”
The old lady marks her place with her finger, looks up and replies, “Why don’t you just fuck off?”
Did you hear about that chap who shot a Golden Eagle? He ended up in court, in front of a magistrate. The magistrate said, "This is a dreadful thing." The chap said, "I never intended to. I was shooting pheasant and it flew into my line of fire. Complete accident." The magistrate said, "Ok. As a matter of interest, what did you do with it?" He said, "I ate it." The magistrate said, "Good God, what did it taste like?" He said, "Rather like swan..."