Pensioners garrotted by flip bins after an overenthusiastic mopping turned the floor into a virtual ice rink.
Young families would mourn the loss of infants whose throats had swollen to the size of my neighbour's wife's thighs after chowing down on a batch of renegade McNuggets.
The Daily Mail regaled us with stories of 80's proto-chavs holding up branches of Radio Rentals armed only with McDonalds cherry pies. These pies contained molten lava with a slight cherry scent and if the word on the street was to be believed, junkies, deviants and ruffians of all varieties were using them to rob, assault and terrorise the nation. Yes, all of us.
As if all that wasn't enough, as any man in any pub would tell you, McDonalds were funding the IRA* so in the unlikely event that you weren't killed during the course of the meal, you'd more than likely die in a town centre bombing as you emerged.
*They weren't really
With all of that in mind, you can imagine my relief upon spotting this: http://tinyurl.com/yjjhaah